[ROUND ONE] WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME BITCH

Here we fuckin' go. It's the playoffs baby, and you've either got Oltman glory or Waffle shame on the line. Who will reign supreme and who will have maple syrup dreams? LET'S FUCKIN' GO

Let's take a look at last week and the regular season in review, shall we?

Last week was weird, huh? Most of the matchups were fairly onesided, and settled before the weekend was over. Ben and Neil, last week's clear top two, decided to both collectively bend over and turned the top of the table into a four-way, securing Ben his first Jim Martin, Hollister Model for the season. In fact, Ben's 78.65 was so low that even with Jim ALMOST winning his third consecutive Edgar, Ben and Jim's matchup also wound up as last week's Dickslapfest Game o' the Week. Quite a week for two of the league's frontrunners, that's for sure.

That all being said, Jim did not wind up winning his third consecutive Edgar. Instead, Deandre Hopkins literally gave up the cartilage in his knee on one final catch in order to secure me the second Edgar of my terribly disappointing season. Rest well, faithful soldier. Now I get to trot out some sort of lineup of scrubs just in time for the waffle tourney. Fantastic.

As for a recap on the regular season as a whole - -
With my second Edgar, I joined elite company. Neil, Stephen, Jim, and myself all earned two Edgars on the season. One of these is not like the others, lol. *finger guns* Everyone else in the league got at least one Edgar, except for Collin and Ben. Don't worry fellas, you still have a couple weeks to avoid being the only ones to miss out on Mike's waffle bitch money. Make it happen (unless I wind up against you in the loser's bracket, Collin.)

With Ben's JMHM, he also joins elite company. Drayer and Colby both had THREE(!) JMHM awards this season, Broullire and Mike both had two, and Ben joins Stephen, Wes, and Collin who have all won one.

You may have noticed that Jim never won his namesake award. It's better than that - - Jim finished in the top half of the scoring week by week 10 out of 14 weeks. He went 4-1 in matchups that were highest weekly scoring. He went 3-1 in closest weekly matchups. Damn he's gonna be a load when he comes off bye unless his whole team sprains an ACL. Jim may be gunning for his second Oltman at this rate - - who's gonna stop him?

Overall, this season has had incredible parity, even with Mike basically sucking the entire season (sorry bud... it's true.) This season had the smallest spread between the highest scorer and lowest scorer of all time (average of 24.05/week.) The previous season with the most parity was 2019 with a spread of 27.43/week, and the highest was last year (2020) when Drayer basically ran train on the league (until the end of course) and Mike started his long train of sucking ass.

Stephen made the playoffs without spending a single FAAB dollar. I missed the playoffs while spending $1005 FAAB dollars. Fuck this guy.

We had a few new entries onto mikelilpp.com this season (to be updated in the offseason:)
-Fewest Points in a Single Game - Colby, Week 11 with 44.11 takes #4 all-time
-Highest Combined Point Total in a Game - Neil & Collin, Week 5 with 294.65 takes #9 all-time
-Lowest Combined Point Total in a Game - Jeff & Broullire, Week 9 with 125.77 takes #2 (briefly #1, supplanted quickly by...)
-Lowest Combined Point Total in a Game - Brooks & Colby, Week 11 with 123.58 takes #1 all-time lowest combined point total. Congrats fellas.

All in all, it was a fantastic regular season, and no matter what happens the rest of the way I appreciate you all (not Ben) for taking part in the draft and having a damn good time throughout the season. Depending on how close to waffles I get in the next three weeks we'll see if I post any more LM Notes but if I don't, just know that y'all fuckin' rock.

As for Round One:

Neil, Jim, Mike, and Colby all take up a hobby together during their byes. Let's say braiding friendship bracelets. Their work is shoddy, but the results are cute. Keep it up fellas. Stephen and Ben have a massive derpfest and somehow win the DSGotW in the winner's bracket. Stephen takes the W though and starts his prep for Neil. Ballsack and Drayer match up for what feels like the 7th time this season. GOD GET A ROOM ALREADY. Ballsack teabags Drayer tho, legit. I ride into the weekend full of jeffitimism, but suffer an embarrassing defeat to Broullire as if I started Stetson at QB (tbh I may have to depending on Josh Allen's ankle.) And finally, Wes and Collin are only one point away from each other on this week's FantasyPros power rankings, so this should be a good matchup. My guess is that it ends like it typically does whenever these two get drunk and start fighting though... Collin on top.

My predictions are usually bullshit, but they're based on FantasyPros which is also bullshit, so at least I'm consistent. If these predictions are accurate however, our semifinals would be:

Oltman:
Stephen v. Neil
Ballsack v. Jim

Waffle:
Jeff v. Mike
Wes v. Colby

And so. it. begins.

Dawgs:
If I don't write another note before NYE, just know that the Dawgs are coming out mad. Harbaugh's boys haven't seen a defense like ours, and they haven't met our running backs either. A healthier Dawgs team makes a strong statement heading into a rematch with Bama, and the Oltman text group finds new ways to wring their hands for four more weeks. Dawgs on top and eatin' oranges 37-14.

As always,
Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, & Go Fuckin' America,
-Commish


Final Standing Predictions: (based on FantasyPros)
1(+2). Collin Can't Read
2(-1). Futbol Is Life
3(+1). BenBottom MikeBottom
4(-2). League Of Skanks
5(+1). Steve the Pirate
6(-1). Ballsack Aladdin
7(+1). Who Hurt Collin
8(-1). Public A_$$ Bleeder
9(+1). Team Dumpster Fire
10(-1). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe
11(+1). Espn's PC Team Names
12(-1). Need More Tuddies

Mike back down to #12. That was a fun week at #11, eh?

[Week 14] Just Throwing Shit at the Teflon Wall, Ain't Nothing Sticking

Ugh, this may be the most anti-climatic ending to a fantasy regular season ever. The playoff field has been more or less set for weeks now, but it's officially official after Stephen's win over Ballsack last week. All that's left is a fight for winners byes and to avoid losers byes.
Let's review where we're at on that!
Up Top:
Neil and Ben are currently tied for first and both sitting in the Bye Zone, however as fate would have it they both draw other playoff teams in their season finales. Ben tussles with a surging Jim (fun fact: that's how Jim's three children were conceived,) while Neil has to deal with a Drayer team that somehow is continuing to win despite not having anything resembling a top round pick on his team left.
With these matchups, we could end up with four 10-4 teams sitting atop the bracket if Jim and Drayer both win, which would be the most fitting thing ever. As if they were the stars of a TLC show about polyamory, this communal marriage of dudes just hasn't been able to quit each other all season long. On top of that, each dude of the ménage à quatre will have played the other 3 a total of 4 times, so the tie breaker will be head to head. Assuming the four-way-tie happens: Neil will have gone 3-1 against his gay lovers, Drayer 2-2, Jim 2-2, and Ben 1-3, so Neil would grab the #1 seed, Jim would then win the 3-way tie for Points For for the #2 seed, and Drayer would snag the head-to-head against Ben, slotting him in #3 and Ben in #4.

OR both Neil and Ben win this week and lock up the byes and none of this fun shit happens.
If just Neil loses, he'd be tied with Drayer and still take the #2 spot. If just Ben loses, then Jim would get in on the tiebreaker at #2.

To recap:
-Neil & Ben win: Neil & Ben get the byes
-Ben wins, Neil loses: Neil & Ben get the byes
-Neil wins, Ben loses: Neil & Jim get the byes
-Neil & Ben lose: Neil & Jim get the byes

Congrats Neil, you're guaranteed a bye and are sitting on your best damn team in years. Don't pull a Dawgs and shit yourself when you face Bama(brooks.)

---------
Down south in the losers' den, there's a bit of a different story. Despite looking like a mortal lock for not only a loser's bye but a probable date with waffles too, Mikelilpp is now hanging onto the edge of his cellar by his fingernails and Colby's coming to town. Let's be honest, the words "Colby's coming" are typically the worst words that any man can hear, but in Mike's case he's pretty damn glad to hear them.
The loser of Mike's matchup with Colby is guaranteed the first loser's bye and the #12 seed. As for the #11 seed and the second loser's bye, it's much more complicated:

Broullire and Wes have saved themselves for each other and are safe from the loser's bye.

If Jeff & Collin win, they are both safe as well.
If Jeff wins, Collin loses, and Colby wins, Collin gets the bye and Colby is miraculously safe.
If Jeff wins, Collin loses, and Mike wins, Mike gets the bye and Collin is safe.
If Collin wins, Jeff loses, and Mike wins, Jeff gets the bye and Mike is safe.
If Collin wins, Jeff loses, and Colby wins, Jeff gets the bye and Colby is safe.
If Jeff & Collin lose and Colby wins, Collin gets the bye and Jeff is safe.
If Jeff & Collin lose and Mike wins, Jeff will need to outscore Collin by 24 points this week to survive.

Got all that? It's okay if not because I can guaran-fuckin-tee you that

Brooks

will be reminding everybody these scenarios throughout the weekend as they play out. ESPECIALLY if things start to turn and I'm trending toward a waffle bye. Fuck.

-----
I'm not gonna go game-by-game from last week, but Jim did dirty things to me and locked up his second consecutive Edgar. Colby shit himself against Neil and grabbed his third J im

Martin

,

Hollister

Model award. And Mike and Wes played a lil tummysticks (foreshadowing for the loser's bracket?!) and grabbed the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week.

As for this week:
Wes makes a fool out of me and provides a more interesting bye-race, Jim slips past Ben,

Brooks

makes short work of Collin, Broullire pants'es Steve right before his playoff push (how embarrassing!) Mike comes out on top of Colby in the shit bowl, and Neil wins a hard fought battle against Drayer.
In those predictions, it winds up:
Neil and Jim with the winners' byes
Colby and TBD with the losers' byes (it would depend on Jeff outscoring Collin by 24 points... so probably Jeff.)
Me and Wes has Dickslap written ALL over it, Colby's gonna snag yet another JMHM, and Jim's gonna flex his dick with a third consecutive Edgar.

As for the Dawgs, man, fuck Bama. Like, just seriously, just fuck them. Ugh. We will rebound against Michigan and rematch Bama in Indy, but don't ask me to predict that one. I ain't doin' it so quit askin'.

Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish

Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Fourteen
I took out the playoff percentages since it's all settled.


1(+0) Futbol Is Life 10-3 11-3
2(+0) League Of Skanks 10-3 10-4
3(+0) Collin Can't Read 9-4 10-4
4(+1) BenBottom MikeBottom 9-4 9-5
5(-1) Ballsack Aladdin 8-5 9-5
6(+0) Steve the Pirate 8-5 9-5
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0) Public A_$$ Bleeder 5-8 6-8
8(+0) Who Hurt Collin 5-8 5-9
9(+1) Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 4-9 4-10
10(-1) Broullire will blow for FAB$ 4-9 4-10
11(+1) Need More Tuddies 3-10 4-10
12(-1) Espn's PC Team Names 3-10 3-11

MIKE RISES ABOVE #12 FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE WEEK ONE PREDICTIONS!! MASS HYSTERIA!!

[Week 13] What Do I Do With My Hands?

Welp. The Playoffs are all but set. Much like the Dawgs - - Neil, Ben, Jim,

Brooks

, Drayer, and Stephen can basically go ahead and book their tickets. Stephen technically could get supplanted by Wes if he loses twice and Wes wins twice, but let's be honest, That's not going to happen. All that's left now is to determine who gets the bye. Neil and Ben are sitting on them at the moment, but everybody else sans Stephen is only one game behind.

Down in fucksville, it's a similar story. Mike seemingly has a lock on one of the byes at this point, despite making a fool out of me two weeks ago. Colby's a favorite for the other, but at this point it's anybody's game. Man, fuck fantasy football.

Sorry for not getting an LM Note out last week. To be honest, I completely forgot with Thanksgiving. I'm sure I probably would've remembered had I beaten Mike, because nothing drives me to write profusely than beating Mike. But alas, The Bills entire fucking team and

Kyle Pitts

conspired to bend me over instead.

Let's see, was there anything else worth mentioning from Week 11? Colby's score of 44.11 made the mikelilpp.com leaderboard for 4th shittiest score in history. He posted that against an easily-beatable 79.47 from

Brooks

, but in true Colby fashion he dropped his pants at the first chance he was given. As such, that absolute dickslapfest shockingly took the title for the lowest combined score in history, which was a record set by Broullire and myself a mere 2 weeks beforehand in Week 9. Good job team. We're breaking some ridiculously shitty records this season. Just call us the Florida Gators.

Neil/Jim from Week 11 deserves a shoutout too. It didn't break any records or anything, but they both scored over 140 points, which from my perspective deep in the cellar certainly makes me damn jealous.

Let's take a look at Week 12 now:

Jeff v. Ben / 82.22 - 100.58 - - - Yeah, I don't wanna talk about it. Fuck running backs. This week I will practically be starting Neil "

Rush

" Bramblett back there. My depth is worse than Bama's. Also, fuck

Adam Thielen

. I do not know what I did to this man in a former life, but it 100% involved either screwing or killing the love of his life. At this point, who's to say?

Steve v. Collin / 76.18 - 94.87 - - - This game happened. Steve-o is now 1-4 in his last 5 matchups, yet he remains above the red line. Cool. This clusterfuck snagged the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week.

Mike v. Jim / 68.88 - 149.34 - - - YIKES. Mike, what did you do to Jim?! What derogatory term did you use to describe the tires on his truck!? He more than doubled ya up. This was the biggest beatdown of the year thus far. Basically, you were the basement walls, and he threw up all over you, only instead of cold cuts it was points. I'm hoping he took out all his anger on you, since now I get to go up against him starting Tevin fucking

Coleman

... I think it's fairly obvious but Jim grabbed this week's Edgar, and Mike ironically took the Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model. Funny how many people are winning the JMHM while going up against the man, the myth, the legend himself.

Drayer v. Ballsack / 86.27 - 116.87 - - - Wow. wtf.

Brooks

scored the exact same score, down to the hundredth decimal point, as he did against Drayer in Week 1. The only problem? Drayer scored 48.52 less this time. That'll happen when your team's seen more injuries than the 2013 Dawgs. What was y'alls side bet on this one? Who gets to be on top? Awesome, congrats

Brooks

, enjoy! I maintain that you fuckers above the line are straight up bending over for Ole Ballsack, and I, for one, am not going to enjoy crowning him once again.

Neil v. Wes / 100.6 - 93.34 - - - I tried to trade

Kyle Pitts

to Neil this week but for some odd reason he didn't want to have four rostered TEs. What, Neil, are you scared of a 14 personnel package? You could've snagged

Taysom Hill

at QB and just been one giant Tight End. Speaking of loving giant tight ends - - I give you Wes. Cheese, get your shit together, set a fantasy team name, and be proud of it. What even is a Public A_$$ Bleeder? Are you too prudish to say the word Ass? What's with the extra space? AASS? what are you even going for?

Colby v. Broullire / 82.55 - 106.65 - - - Broullire is the top of the class beneath the line... Let that sink in. He's the tallest midget, he's the least imbred bama fan, he's the hottest tech girl. Congrats, Broullire! BTW text me for my address for shipping me bourbon ;)

Onto this week:

-Words cannot express the destruction that's about to happen in mine and Jim's matchup. This isn't me just downplaying it in hopes that it doesn't happen. We're talking Biblical apocalyptic annihilation. My best hope at RB just broke his friggin neck two nights ago, but I'm still hoping he suits up. That's where we're at now.

Lock

me in as the latest fucker to get the JMHM against Jim, and I don't see how Jim doesn't take the Edgar for the second consecutive week too.
-Ben rides his high from forcefeeding me waffles into a win against Collin.
-Ballsack teabags Stephen.
-Mike (who hates when I pick him) takes care of the Wes-in-the-Playoffs conundrum early by knocking him out.
-I think Drayer beats Broullire but FantasyPros disagrees. For that reason, I'm taking this one as my Dickslapfest Game o' the Week prediction this week.
-Neil nut-taps Colby and he likes it.

AS FOR THE #1 RANKED GEORGIA BULLDOGS - -
Listen, I wrote a huge diatribe in this space last October. I explained all the ways that the mailman was going to deliver against Bama. I was proven woefully wrong.

This ain't that team, he ain't that mailman, and Bama ain't that Bama. Gentlemen, we just might be those motherfuckers. I hope you all find somewhere fantastic to watch the game, and I hope you all soak up every minute. It's going to taste so, so sweet.

Dawgs on top, 34-17 and we continue our quest for glory.

Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish


Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Thirteen
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+1). Futbol Is Life 9-3 10-4 100% 25%
2(+3). League Of Skanks 9-3 10-4 100% 18%
3(-2). Collin Can't Read 8-4 9-5 100% 21%
4(+2). Ballsack Aladdin 8-4 9-5 100% 14%
5(-2). BenBottom MikeBottom 8-4 9-5 100% 10%
6(-2). Steve the Pirate 7-5 8-6 92% 10%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). Public A_$$ Bleeder 5-7 6-8 5% <1%
8(+2). Who Hurt Collin 5-7 6-8 4% <1%
9(+0). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 4-8 5-9 0% 0%
10(-2). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 4-8 5-9 0% 0%
11(+0). Espn's PC Team Names 3-9 4-10 0% 0%
12(+0). Need More Tuddies 2-10 3-11 0% 0%

[Week 11] This Honestly Might Be the Most Even Season of the Oltman, and Then There's Mike

Do you want to talk about parity?

- Through 10 weeks, we've had 9 different Edgar Winners (Broullire, Stephen, Wes, Colby(!), Jeff, Stephen again,

Brooks

, Mike(!), Neil, and finally Drayer.)
- We've had 7 different Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Models (Colby, Broullire(2), Drayer(3), Stephen, Wes, Collin, and finally Mike.)
- We now have a ménage à cinq up top (my internet search history to figure out these orgy terms hates me.)
- Week 9, aka bitchpolcalypse, was the lowest scoring week in the history of the Oltman. This week however was the fourth-lowest scoring week in history. I don't know what the fuck is going on but something stinks.

With such parity up top, however, it makes it unlikely that we'll see much shakeup for the playoffs. We still have four weeks of matchups, but the main things I could see happening would be

Brooks

or (more likely) one of the orgy members shockingly dropping out and Wes or myself sliding in. We do have two separate matchups of orgy members this week though, so we shall see!

Let's glance back at some of the shitty times we had last week:

Neil v. Jeff / 86.91 - 105.71 - - - Well, well, well. I go off and plan a bachelors party part deux for the Big Buttery One and then pants him while he's distracted. This one was a shocker to me, as most of my players played like ass for the second week in a row. But praise be to the Atlanta Falcons. They played the shittiest football game this side of Gainesville, Florida and I took Big 'n Rich's advice and saved a horse by riding the Cowboy's Defense to victory. No complaints here, 5 stars, would ride again.

Mike v. Ben / 74.32 - 84.21 - - - What do you get when you pair one of the orgymembers scoring 84 with the cellar dweller who averages three digies each week? Well, you get a Mike loss of course! Curses be curses, after all. Mike, I'm pretty sure the waffles will continue haunting you until you nut up and do the challenge... So... I might take that into consideration when deciding what you do after losing this year. Just saying. Also, this loss officially took Mike out of playoff contention. I know that's a silly thing to say, but that's why I said it.

Drayer v. Stephen / 129.27 - 115 - - - Ohhhh

Christian McCaffrey

. Because of him, we now have the aforementioned Five Guy Fuckfest up top. Welcome to your share of the lead, Drayer, and congrats on your first Edgar. Stephen also scored a perfectly round number, which is odd. PS - I don't want to tell you how to run your team but uh... you might want to spend a singular FAAB dollar, or maybe perform a trade, because those RBs are uglier than Wes' seadonkeys he slept with in college.

Colby v. Collin / 100.22 - 80.77 - - - Ouch. Who the fuck loses to Colby? You'd have to be an idio - - - oh. nvm. carry on then. I know that the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week typically goes to the lowest point-total game, but fuck that. You guys straight up snagged that shit. Collin started two inactive RBs and got censured by the Commissioner, and Colby added a goose egg for starting a Falcons player. Boo this matchup all around. Boo. Boooooooooo.

Broullire v. Jim / 84.38 - 92.11 - - - Damn, speaking about not setting your lineup... Broullire, you had a full 24 hours after Big Ben got COVID to get a new QB. Damnit, I actually AM starting to feel very Brooksish about this shit. I was mostly out of commission this weekend cursing out Tennessee children, and y'all couldn't set your damn lineups? Come on now. How the fuck were we able to manage the friggin PANDEMIC YEAR last year with IR slots and safe drops, but picking up a friggin QB or RB off the waivers on a Sunday morning is too tall a task? Fuck all you guys. Jim, congrats on the win.

Wes v.

Brooks

/ 89.37 - 93.75 - - - A battle between shittalking bubble teams, what a shocker that

Brooks

came out on top. I only wish y'all had put something on the line this time. Gosh darnit, league, y'all are really going to let

Brooks

come back from being ranked #11 at one point to winning the Oltman this year, aren't you? You know what? We deserve it. I'm still jazzed up about the lineups. I'm gonna police that shit this week, and if it remains a problem I'm proposing some punishments for next season. I know of at least one ballsack who's vote I've got.

Onto this week's matchups:

I find a dumb way to lose to Mike in a heartbreaking fashion, in one of the orgy matchups Ben rebounds against Stephen (SET YOUR LINEUP,) Drayer destroys Collin, in the other orgy matchup Jim squeaks by Neil,

Brooks

does some absolutely unholy shit to Colby, and Broullire actually wins comfortably against Wes.

For the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week , it's tempting to select

Brooks

/Colby just in case Colby drags

Brooks

down into the mud and fucks around with him, but that Broullire/Wes matchup has way too many shenanigans waiting in the wings. Gimme that one.

I'm also gonna snag Wes as my Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model this week. It just feels right.

As for the Dawgs - - - You already know. The questions on the table for this week are do we break 50 on offense, do we goose egg them on defense, how long does JT play, who comes in after him,

Beck

or BVDG? I want to use the rest of this space to continue the calling for a Dawgnation Unification. You don't have to love Stetson Bennett. You can still think we'd be better if JT was starting. But it's time to start cheering our asses off for the diminutive mailman and appreciating the insanity that is a 2-star walk-on leading the #1 team in the nation towards the playoffs. I know I will be. Dawgs on top 52-0.

That's it fellas. Good luck this week to everybody but Mike.

Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish

Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Eleven
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+2). Collin Can't Read 7-3 9-5 96% 22%
2(-1). Futbol Is Life 7-3 9-5 94% 18%
3(+1). BenBottom MikeBottom 7-3 9-5 93% 18%
4(-2). Steve the Pirate 7-3 9-5 93% 12%
5(+0). League Of Skanks 7-3 9-5 89% 11%
6(+0). Ballsack Aladdin 6-4 8-6 82% 12%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). Ball-Gagged

Brooks

5-5 7-7 31% 5%
8(+0). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 4-6 6-8 15% 2%
9(+0). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 3-7 5-9 3% <1%
10(+0). Who Hurt Collin 3-7 5-9 2% <1%
11(+0). Espn's PC Team Names 3-7 5-9 1% <1%
12(+0). Need More Tuddies 1-9 3-11 0% 0%

[Week 10] AND ANOTHER SHORTY on Location in Knoxvegas

Hello fellas! I'm writing this shit from a weird ass cool loft apartment on Market Square in enemy territory. Damn ready to be a drunk obnoxious Georgia fan all damn weekend long.

Last week was weird shit, huh? It was our lowest combined scoring week of all time, featured the lowest scoring MATCHUP of ALL TIME (yep, it'll be topping one of the charts on mikelilpp.com. More on that in a bit.) Just an all around league-wide dickslapfest. Well done guys.

That all being said, Wes shit his pants against Collin which easily could've been the DSFGotW, however Ben and Drayer also played tummysticks and scored some nice 70's which also could've easily been the DSFGotW, EXCEPT that Broullire and yours truly decided to fully commit to the ass and straight up fuck shit upppppp. It was a work of art, truthfully. Well done, Broullire. I'll toast my bourbon to you. Mike once again scored triple digies to no avail as Neil told him to fuck his couch. Ballsack teabagged Jim like I predicted, and Steve beat Colby because Colby sucks.

Shit. I'm running out of time. Neil pwns me this week, Mike hates it when I predict a win for him but come on it's gotta happen sometime, he beats Ben's ass. Drayer continues rebuilding with a win against Steve, God knows what's gonna happen between Colby and Collin, Jim destroys Broullire, and Ballsack continues his sexual assault by pantsing Wes.

Dawgs start slow but fuckin ROLL. You can hear the dawg fans on the broadcast by the fourth. 49-14.

Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish


Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Ten
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+1). Futbol Is Life 7-2 9-5 97% 20%
2(+2). Steve the Pirate 7-2 9-5 94% 12%
3(-2). Collin Can't Read 6-3 9-5 90% 18%
4(+2). BenBottom MikeBottom 6-3 9-5 82% 15%
5(-2). League Of Skanks 6-3 8-6 78% 9%
6(+1). Ballsack Aladdin 5-4 8-6 71% 12%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-2). Mid-season Crisis 5-4 8-6 60% 10%
8(+1). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 3-6 6-8 12% 2%
9(+1). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 3-6 5-9 9% <1%
10(-2). Who Hurt Collin 3-6 5-9 6% <1%
11(+0). Espn's PC Team Names 2-7 4-10 <1% <1%
12(+0). Gym Vom'd On My AirPods 1-8 4-10 <1% <1%

[Week 9] Mike Found an Epileptic Squirrel in the Cellar?!

This'll be a shorty this week unfortunately fellas. Just a few too many things on the ole docket.

But damn, Mikelilpp himself managed to scrounge up the Edgar last week, proving that like kevin garnett, anything is possible. I suppose it helps that overall this was the lowest scoring week for the league this year. Hey, when everyone's a midget, the tallest one gets the apple I suppose. Congrats Mikelilpp.

Death, Taxes, and

Brooks

& Jeff scoring within 2 points of each other. Some things in this life are just fuckin' constants.

We're back to a ménage à quatre at the top of the table, and to be honest I'm not even 100% positive that the ultimate Oltman winner will be any of these four. Certainly possible, but I'm not seeing a whole lot of consistency from any of them at this point. Still a lot of fake football to be played, fellas.

It's tempting as hell to give the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week to whatever the fuck Drayer and Colby did all weekend, but the real winners(losers) are Jim and Collin. Congrats, that sucked. Collin also ironically takes home the Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model for last week too.

This week, I somehow find an infuriating way of losing to Broullire, Drayer gets in on the hot and steamy orgy action by beating Ben, Mike shocks the nation by winning against Neil for his 2nd consecutive win, Steve straight murders Colby, Wes fingers Collin, and Ballsack teabags Jim.

If Stephen somehow derps around even a little bit, his matchup with Colby will be the DSGotW, and I've got Collin as a surprise repeat winner of the JMHM this week.

Dawgs get to run ALL over Mizzou this weekend. I think Stetson starts and throws less than 10 passes, and Zeus and

Cook

both get over 100 total yards. Dawgs roll 49-3 and yet dawg fans continue to find shit to gripe about since JT doesn't start.

That's it, fellas!

Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish


Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Nine
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+2). Collin Can't Read 6-2 9-5 94% 22%
2(+2). Futbol Is Life 6-2 9-5 91% 17%
3(-1). League Of Skanks 6-2 9-5 90% 14%
4(-3). Steve the Pirate 6-2 9-5 84% 9%
5(+0). Fingerd The Pirate 5-3 8-6 79% 16%
6(+1). BenBottom MikeBottom 5-3 8-6 62% 7%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-1). Ballsack Aladdin 4-4 7-7 62% 10%
8(+0). Who Hurt Collin 3-5 6-8 18% 2%
9(+0). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 2-6 5-9 10% 2%
10(+0). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 2-6 5-9 6% <1%
11(+0). Espn's PC Team Names 2-6 5-9 3% <1%
12(+0). Gym Vom'd On My AirPods 1-7 4-10 <1% <1%

[Week 8] Lord, give me strength to change things I can change, and scotch to accept the ones I can not!

We have arrived.

What's that you say? a matchup between a 2-5 team and a 3-4 team can't possibly be a big deal? What about a matchup of two of the top three scorers for the year? What if one of them is coming off a victory vs. the top overall scorer on the year? What if it involves the two loudest and most annoying members of the league? What if the winner gains a shot at making the playoffs while the loser is almost guaranteed a spot in Mike's lap in the cellar?

That's right gentlemen and Wes, It's motherfucking Scotch Bowl Week.

Urban Meyer's Squadron of Hussies is taking on the

King

of Ballsacks, winner walks away with some fermented and distlled malted barley. I gotta be honest, in the preseason I thought this was going to be a matchup of Top 3 teams. I had no idea everyone in the fucking league was going to line up to just absolutely manhandle me, week after week.


Alas, it's ole ballsack and myself just fightin' for relevancy, but I imagine it should be a damn good one, given our weeks as of late. Let's. Fucking. Go.

Before turning our attention to this week, however, let's take a gander back at last week's action:

Jeff v. Collin / 144.03 - 136.73 - - - For goddamned once. Collin tried his damndest to career me as so many before him had, but my fightin' sluts fought back and came out victorious. Collin scored the third highest score of the week, which was a score good enough to give him the top slot in Points For for the year, too. NOT TODAY MOTHERFUCKER.

Ben v. Colby / 101.94 - 100.54 - - - Good gracious, this honestly feels like the divisions year without it being the divisions year. Ben continues to skate by, staying tied for first despite being 8th in Points For. I guess it fuckin' helps when you play the guy who's solidly 11th in PF.... #comeonnnnnnn

Neil v. Broullire / 108.47 - 109.17 - - - Man, this one was back and forth all weekend, with Broullire surprisingly eeking by Neil by a solid 0.7 points. I had pegged this one as the probably DSFGotW, and it was close to Ben/Colby of getting that crown, had it not been for...

Drayer v. Wes / 89.07 - 67.89 - - - Oh my dear heavens.

Wesley

, I've been talking your shit up for weeks now, and you go and do this? You go and out-Drayer the Drayer? I mean sure, you were missing Zeke, but that shouldn't have caused this. Nothing should have caused this. You were 9 points away from making the friggin leaderboard for shittiest score. Do better. You were SOLIDLY the Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model this week.

Mike v.

Brooks

/ 92.04 - 155.85 - - - Man,

Brooks

did NOT like me picking Mike to win this matchup. You know, I just figured crazy shit happens during Halloween season, and it was Byepocalypse, and who knows? But alas, you took out all of your frustration with me all over Mike's face. He puts the lotion on his skin, indeed, Mr. Cellar Boy.

Steve v. Jim / 121.94 - 104. 41 - - - Our new scurvy overlord just gave Jim the business. Could it be that in just his second year in the league, Steve-o may be able to come in here and plunder the Oltman? This is my nightmare.

Looking ahead to this week:

Brooks

and I fight for Scotch, as mentioned before. I can't jinx myself by calling that one. Neil beats Ben in a "No YOU'VE had the easier schedule!" bitch fight, Drayer makes short work of Colby as part of his ongoing redemption tour, Broullire survives a close one against Mike, keeping him cellar-bound, Steve and Wes both fight for the Edgar but Cheese comes up short, and Jim quietly continues his assassin tour by dismantling Collin.

Drayer/Colby has Dickslapfest Game o' the Week stank all over it, with Colby taking the JMHM , while I think someone in the

Brooks

/Jeff/Stephen/Wes area code grabs the epileptic Edgar.

Dawgs are eatin' fried gator this weekend, no matter who's behind center. Dawgs score north of 40, Gators score south of 14. Let's say 49-6 in an annihilation. Fuck those motherfuckers. I won't give Drayer an aneurysm by making a Braves prediction, but they just might be those motherfuckers.

Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, GO BRAVES, and as always, Go America!
-Commish


Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Eight
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+1). Steve the Pirate 6-1 10-4 94% 18%
2(+2). League Of Skanks 6-1 9-5 93% 15%
3(-2). Collin Can't Read 5-2 9-5 91% 21%
4(-1). Futbol Is Life 5-2 8-6 82% 12%
5(+0). I Got Fingrd 4-3 8-6 68% 12%
6(+0). Ballsack Aladdin 3-4 7-7 50% 8%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). BenBottom MikeBottom 4-3 7-7 43% 3%
8(+1). Who Hurt Collin 3-4 6-8 28% 4%
9(+2). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 2-5 6-8 26% 4%
10(-2). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 2-5 5-9 12% 1%
11(-1). Espn's PC Team Names 2-5 5-9 11% 1%
12(+0). Gym Vom'd On My AirPods 0-7 3-11 <1% <1%

[Week 7] Well Fuck You Too, Stephen

Gosh darn it. Gosh darn Stephen and gosh darn

Derrick Henry

. Ughhhhhhh. That was miserable. Here I was feelin' all giddy that my team was on the rebound, practically skipping up the stairs outta the cellar, and Stephen just came along and kicked my ass back down. I think that if

Derrick Henry

hadn't manhandled me, I'd be sitting in 7th or 8th right now, but instead Stephen dealt me my 3rd(!) loss in the week's highest scoring matchup and claimed his second Edgar. He is now the only one of us to claim two epileptic squirrels, so perhaps the Mad Scalper title from last year can be applied to him once more.

Elsewhere in the league, Drayer claimed his third JMHM of the last four weeks, as he continues to wallow in despair from losing CMC &

Carson

. Although the motherfucker is still technically above the playoff line so you know what? Mike and I don't wanna hear it.

In a stat that only the nerds care about,

Brooks

has now reclaimed the top spot for Career Points For, bumping Drayer down to 2nd. Ben is now just 79 points away from bumping Mike down to lowest Career Points For, which still just seems shocking to me that Mike has two Oltmans in his belt with a point total like that. At least those two Oltmans will keep him warm while he's munchin' on waffles in a few months.

Let's check out the games from last week:

Jeff v. Stephen / 128.87 - 137.58 - - - Motherfuckinpieceofworthlesscuntlickingdegeneratesackofballessbastardprobingbitchsuckingshit

Broullire v. Ben / 90.51 - 96.67 - - - Man, I did not anticipate this game being the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week but I guess I should've known given that Broullire's team is a motherfuckin loose cannon this season. They could score 140 points, they could score 60, who the fuck's to say?

Wes v. Colby / 114.69 - 110.66 - - - Wes fingered Colby and then changed his name accordingly. I think we all just need to get used to our new Cheesy overlord. When Darrell fuckin'

Henderson

is leading your team in scoring and you continue to win, you're on some voodoo shit and I want nothing to do with it. Wes is now 2-1 in the closest matchups of the season and he may just be Mr. Clutch.

Brooks

v. Neil / 128.7 - 96.52 - - - If you're gonna shoot at the

King

you better not miss and Mr. Ballsack himself surely didn't. Alas, so endeth Neil's reign as the last remaining unbeaten, and so also endeth the marriage between

Brooks

' team and my own. I shall miss thee, fair Ballsack.

Jim v. Drayer / 128.46 - 80.2 - - - Ouch. DrayerBottom once more. Jim just keeps jacked-up-truckin' along and is now taking part in the ménage à quatre that we've got going on at the top of the bracket. Everyone throw your keys in the jar and see who you're goin' home with. It's a motherfuckin' orgy.

Collin v. Mike / 132.09 - 80.86 - - - Who is this Collin team!? The dude just keeps hammering points and yet he's 2-4. He's a solid 3rd in PF (I won't mention who's a close 4th...) and yet below the line. A lottttttt of football left to play here. Except for Mike. Mike basically should've won the JMHM but for the .66 points that Drayer sucked even worse by.

Let's look ahead to this week:

Matthew Berry's dubbing this week Byemageddon, and some teams like yours truly, Wes, Mike, Jim, and Neil's Tight End Trifecta have more bye's on their bench than a 2005 hit song by *NSYNC. I mean fuck, I'm starting D'Importance of Being D'Ernest as my RB2. Crazy times. For this week, Collin probably teaches my team of backups a thing or two, Ben gets back to triple digies IF anybody on his team is actually healthy enough to play, Neil takes out his frustration, sexual and otherwise, against Broullire, Drayer has a cry against Wes, Mike gets his first win of the season against

Brooks

( what?!), and Steve takes another scalp against a bye-hampered Jim.

I feel like Neil's gonna get back to his demenford ways and suck the life out of a rollercoaster-ridin' Broullire, so that'll be our Dickslapfest Game o' the Week, and until proven otherwise, Drayer's got a bead on that Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model award.

Dawgs rest their not-so-weary heads this week, hopeful to return 3-4 WRs and possibly JTD. If this offense gets even just a hair better, watch out, this team may just be unstoppable.
Cheese also gets married (officially) tomorrow, so hopefully no one will have to throw him out of his own wedding like Collin did at Jim's. Congrats/Condolences to the Mrs. Cheese.

Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish

Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Seven
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+3). Collin Can't Read 5-1 9-5 93% 22%
2(+0). Steve the Pirate 5-1 9-5 88% 15%
3(-2). Futbol Is Life 5-1 9-5 88% 14%
4(-1). League Of Skanks 5-1 9-5 87% 14%
5(+1). Colby Got Fingerd 4-2 8-6 79% 14%
6(+3). Ballsack Aladdin 2-4 6-8 40% 6%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-2). BenBottom MikeBottom 3-3 6-8 38% 4%
8(+3). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 2-4 6-8 26% 3%
9(-2). Who Hurt Collin 2-4 6-8 23% 3%
10(+0). Espn's PC Team Names 2-4 6-8 19% 2%
11(-3). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 1-5 5-9 16% 3%
12(+0). Gym Vom'd On My AirPods 0-6 4-10 2% <1%

[Week 6] All Hail Professor Chaos, Bringer of Destruction and Doom!

Buckle up gentlemen and Wes, we've dove headfirst into a bucket of movie popcorn, because it's buttery as hell up in here. Riding his #1 easiest strength of schedule, Mr. Neil Bramblett has taken the pole position in the Oltman and sports the only unblemished record left. Neil usually struggles in fantasy despite scoring a bunch of points, but somehow this year he's succeeding despite... not. Can he keep it up?

As for everybody else, we all collectively pulled our best Stetson-to-McConkey impression and just straight up white-boy-flexed our way to the highest scoring Half PPR week in the history of the league (only Week 8 in 2014 was higher but that was full PPR, plus it was the divisions year which was shit.) I mean, the three highest scores of the season thus far were all set this week, with yours truly, Neil, and

Brooks

all vying for the Edgar but Big Fudge reigned supreme. With my squirrely win, this now means that there's been a new Edgar winner each and every week thus far (Broullire, Stephen, Wes, Colby, Jeff.) The same, unfortunately, cannot be said for the Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model award, which has now found its way to Drayer's inbox for the second time this year. Oh

McCaffrey

, where for art thou?

Another interesting nugget dug up by our resident nerds, Mikelilpp has now taken part in the closest matchups THREE separate times this season. Unfortunately for him, he's been on the losing end each time. Some people say there are no such things as curses. Those people are idiots.

Anyway, there's some interesting parity starting to form in the standings, with Mike and Neil now the only folks with any 0's in their columns. I think there's a lot of football left to be played...

Let's recap Week 5:

Drayer v. Jeff / 85.89 - 162.76 - - - Well hot damn. It feels good to be on the giving end of a fuckin' for once. I can't imagine my team keeping that sort of pace on any sort of consistent basis, but it felt damn good to get a bit of revenge after Drayer's record-breaking beatdown of me in the playoffs last year. BenBottom MikeBottom? More like DrayerBottom, at least for now.

Ben v. Wes / 106.54 - 130.37 - - - Ben had his third vulnerable week in a row, and enter the cheese man himself to capitalize.

Wesley

is on a tear leading up to his wedding next week, and I don't like it, you don't like it, but we've got to recognize it. I worry that we all may be looking up at him come year's end... At least provided he doesn't drop

Mahomes

or some dumb shit before then.

Broullire v.

Brooks

/ 87.65 0 156.92 - - - Ouch. Ballsack Aladdin hit Broullire right in the ballsack.

Lamar Jackson

decided to take Patricia Broullire out for dinner and he NEVER CALLED HER BACK. It felt personal.

Colby v. Jim / 89.05 - 135.52 - - - Where the fuck was this Colby last week? I could be sippin' on a paloma right about now, but instead I had to deliver shit to Dumbass Jesus himself. Unfortunately for Colby, he learned that he can't win with

Mark Andrews

by himself, and even worse, after losing Saquon he may need to try to.

Neil v. Collin / 156.09 - 138.56 - - - Geez boys, keep it in your pants. So much for the Demenford Effect. Collin scored what could've won him the Edgar in other weeks while Neil just opened up a straight can of whoopass across Collin's face. I got nothin' but respect for my new #1.

Mike v. Steve / 117.91 - 128.89 - - - Yikes Mike. Scoring triple digies every week but starting 0-5. That's gotta suuuuccckkkkkk. I dunno if it's the curse of skipping waffles or the curse of mocking Jim in your team name or what it is, but I'd throw some salt over your shoulder, do a rain dance jig on your roof, and burn some sage. You've got demons, my friend.

As mentioned before, Drayer was the JMHM this week, and honestly there wasn't a DSGotW. I mean, Jim/Colby was technically the lowest scoring, but they scored enough to almost be highest scoring in every other week we've had. So congrats everybody. Nobody slapped their dicks around.

Looking ahead to this week,

Steve debates whether to even start a defense or kicker against me, Ben takes out his anger on Broullire like a redheaded stepchild (don't let Alex judge your fathering skills based on this beatdown ,) Wes legit probably destroys Colby,

Brooks

gets his shot at the top dawg, Drayer may finally get to kiss CMC again against Jim, and Mike gets one of his best shots out of the cellar against Collin.

Let's get real, Mike/Collin is going to absolutely be the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week, and until proven otherwise, Colby is my choice for the JMHM.

Dawgs get our latest chance to silence the upstarts by absolutely laying the hammer down on Kentucky on Sat. I expect noise and the cats should expect pain. Dawgs cover again but again fall under the point total, Dawgs on top 33-6.

Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish

Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Six
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+1). Futbol Is Life 5-0 10-4 93% 19%
2(+3). Steve the Pirate 4-1 9-5 82% 15%
3(-2). League Of Skanks 4-1 9-5 81% 13%
4(+0). Collin Can't Read 4-1 8-6 80% 13%
5(-2). BenBottom MikeBottom 3-2 8-6 71% 14%
6(+0). Confused Genitalia 3-2 7-7 64% 9%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). Who Hurt Collin 2-3 7-7 38% 5%
8(+2). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 1-4 6-8 30% 5%
9(+2). Ballsack Aladdin 1-4 6-8 21% 3%
10(-2). Backstroke Jesus 2-3 6-8 19% 2%
11(-2). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 1-4 5-9 16% 2%
12(+0). Jim Puked On My AirPods 0-5 4-10 5% <1%

[Week 5] I, For One, Welcome Our New Ass-Eating Overlord

Know what's worse that getting careered by Wes? Getting careered first by Wes and then by Colby in consecutive weeks. It felt like the world's worst Eiffel Tower.

Know what's even worse than the world's worst Eiffel Towering? The fact that our very own Cheesy McCheesedick now owns the top spot in Points For. Granted, all that that's done for him is earn him a solid 2-2 record and a spot currently on the playoff bubble. But still. This is the world we're living in where Wes and Ben are neck and neck for most points for and

Brooks

and Jeff are playing tummysticks in the basement for least points for. Screw the Wuhan/Qanon/Illuminati conspiracy theories, I want someone's mother-in-law scouring YouTube for clues about whatever the fuck is going on in our fantasy league. Somethin' ain't right. Someone paid off Mike Tagliere to screw with the fantasypros rankings and then when Mike started chirpin', they Epsteined him and blamed it on Covid. Okay, okay, I'll admit that's a bit darker than my LM Notes typically go, but there's got to be some explanation for why fantasypros continues to rank my shithole of a cellardweller team as #1 in our league power rankings. (not playoff prediction rankings, just sheer team talent.) I blame Barack Obama.

Let's turn towards the light and recap some hot and sticky Week 4 action:

Jeff v. Colby / 77.45 - 140.83 - - - Yeesh. That was almost a doubler. Colby took some uppers in the bathroom and just came out and absolutely manhandled me and earned himself some tequila. I spent a nice solid $68 to try and improve upon my 10pt. DEF/K scoring average, and scored a solid 2.43. I'm about as good with money as Wes is at eating ass. AKA I'll pretend to know what I'm talking about but it probably ends up with some light bed-shitting. I would've been a solid lock for the JMHM award last week, had it not been for...

Steve v. Neil / 67.4 - 86.44 - - - YIKES dawgs. This was an easy winner for the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week last week, and Steve locked down that Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model real easy. I don't know what it is about Neil's team, but it has the insane ability to just absolutely suck every ounce of joy and love and happiness out of any man it comes up against. Basically, it's a dementor. Or more accurately, it's Binford

Griffin

.

Ballsack Aladdin v. Ben / 92.59 - 104.4 - - - Another (relatively) vulnerable week from Ben, another chump unable to capitalize. Shame, shame, shame.

Jim v. Wes / 129.04 - 124. 97 - - - And now for a barnburner between two really competent playoff teams, we turn to.... Jim and Wes. What the fuck is this year? Much like Wes' genitalia preferences, I am severely confused.

Collin v. Broullire / 107.63 - 134. 37 - - - Collin continues to hang out on the rim of the cellar, staring down at us disgusting beasts as we wallow in our sadness. Broullire rides the damn roller coaster each week and can't figure out how to get off, much like when Wes tries to have sex after eating shrooms.

Mike v. Drayer / 104.19 - 113.79 - - - Yessssss Mikeeeeeeee, stay down here my precious. We shall feast upon waffles yet.

Onto this week:

Drayer buttfucks me with

Christian McCaffrey

's resurrected corpse, ( gotdamn my visuals this week are terrifying... ) Big Dawg Ben tries to fend off a bi-curious cheesedick,

Brooks

takes on Broullire on what looks like a downer week in his bipolar mood swings (seriously dude? a 22pt dog?!) Jim does what I failed to do and absolutely destroys Colby, Neil probably makes Collin feel like he'll never be cheerful again, as if things will never be OK again, and Mike looks to escape the cellar against a stunningly weakly projected Steve.

Wait. Seriously? The other two cellar dwellers are going up against douches that don't even project above 100pt and I draw Drayer with what looks like a healthy CMC? What the damn hell, fantasy gods!? what the fuck did I do to you?!?! I'm feeling a fourth careering coming on...

Neil/Collin's gotta be the DSGotW because Neil just has that damn effect on everyone, and Colby's team is godawful and got damn lucky last week so he's my JMHM for this week.

Dawgs get to go in and pants

Bo Nix

in front of all of his friends and family. We also get to beat up on Tyler

Fromm

for his brother turning pro early. Dawgs cover -14.5 easily, but the game stays under the 45 O/U. Dawgs on top 33-6.

Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish

Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Five
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+1). League Of Skanks 4-0 9-5 86% 15%
2(+1). Futbol Is Life 4-0 9-5 83% 13%
3(+1). BenBottom MikeBottom 3-1 8-6 77% 16%
4(+1). Collin Can't Read 3-1 8-6 73% 13%
5(-4). Steve the Pirate 3-1 8-6 69% 11%
6(+0). Confused Genitalia 2-2 7-7 52% 8%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). Who Hurt Collin 2-2 7-7 50% 8%
8(+1). Backstroke Jesus 2-2 7-7 39% 4%
9(-1). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 1-3 6-8 26% 3%
10(+0). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 0-4 5-9 18% 3%
11(+0). Ballsack Aladdin 0-4 5-9 16% 3%
12(+0). Jim Puked On My AirPods 0-4 5-9 10% 1%

[Week 4] Damnit, Fantasy Football

Fuck.

Nothing like getting careered by Wes to make you take a look at yourself and wonder how you fell so far. This has been a half-week of introspection, confusion, and bidding too goddamn much on kickers and defenses. At least I didn't bid over 50% for CMC's two-week stand-in. But I suppose Mikelilpp is just as desperate as me.

As for the other cellar-dweller,

Brooks

has, like me, institutionalized the words of the age-old adage, " Start 0 and 3? Create a new me. " I think that was in the Bible somewhere. Hopefully whatever voodoo mama JuJu that Pukey

Martin

put on our cursed teams ends with the rebranding. Although I can't say that having an Aladdin with giant balls as your mascot seems like a strategy for success... But damnit if Ballsack Aladdin doesn't just make me chuckle every damn time.

Let's take a look at the week 3 matchups:

Wes v. Jeff / 143.86 - 118.37 - - - What more is there to say that y'all didn't hear me bitching about in the text chain over the weekend? I scored enough to beat 75% of the league, and yet Zeke

Elliott

woke up and helped Wes hit the current season-high mark, winning him the Edgar in the process. All I can hope is that my team's score is a sign of things to come, and not just fuckin' par for the course.

Ben v. Jim / 106.64 - 91.59 - - - Auto-draft Ben has his one vulnerable week, and yet Pukey

Martin

can't quite capitalize.

Justin Tucker

tried his damndest to return draft value for Jim, but no one else on his team joined in. How long can Ben fly so damn high? We shall see. As someone very much on the outside looking in, it's definitely made for entertaining fantasy, that's for damn sure.

Brooks

v. Collin / 96.84 - 125.59 - - - Know what's almost as bad as losing to Wes? Losing to Collin. Not a good look.

Brooks

best be praying that

Josh Jacobs

and

Antonio Brown

get back soon, 'cause this team be limpin'. Collin on the other hand gets his first W and escapes the cellar better than the silence of the lambs.

Broullire v. Stephen / 99.66 - 105.48 - - - Gotdang, Broullire found a middle ground between his Edgar and his JMHM, but it didn't matter because Steve the Pirate keeps pillagin' villages and plunderin' booty. This time he plundered Broullire's booty better than Wes on his wedding night. Absolutely insane that Ben, Steve, and Neil are the favorites for the Oltman right now. If I can't win it (duh,) then I do love fresh blood winning it. Could it be Stevie Wonder?

Colby v. Mike / 111.96 - 100.85 - - - Colby fuckin' somehow also clawed his way out of the cellar, climbing over Mike in the process. Ouch, Mike. less than 13 combined points between your 3 WRs, with your TE adding an extra 2... That's...... not great Bob. Honest question that I'd like you to answer in the text group: What would your choice legitimately be between waffles, half-marathon, and $500? Throwing more money away to bitch out? Bettering yourself by running in what I am assuming would be an awfully humiliating costume? Finally giving in and crushing a few waffles? I'm very curious.

Neil v. Drayer / 120.71 - 80.24 - - - Down goes CMC and down goes Drayer. Poetic justice that Neil pulls out a win off of a CMC injury. It's funny that Drayer has

Mike Davis

on his bench, but unfortunately that dude's playing in Atlanta and not Charlotte now. Drayer also now loses

James White

for the season. Can he string enough players together to cover for CMC during the next few weeks? Is this the start of a plummet or a momentary hiccup? Time will tell. Meanwhile, Neil's team was massively propped up all the way from the city of angels as

Stafford

and Mikey

Williams

had massive days. Those RBs are lookin' a litttttttleeeeee dangerous my friend. Can you keep the streak up??

As for the Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model award, that's unsurprisngly handed to Drayer with his stud injury. And as for the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week , That's gotta go to Auto-draft Ben vs. Jim. Ben and

Justin Tucker

did everything they could to hand that one to Jim, but he just couldn't get it done.

Onto this week:

Colby and I face off in the Bol de Tequila, and I bought limes in anticipation. Jim and Wes are both slated for 106.8 points exactly, so that one's got promise. Collin and Broullire, who both have team names mocking the other, slap their dicks around a bit. Steve and Neil face off in a fascinating Top 3 battle of "Who the fuck invited these guys to the playoffs already?!" and Drayer gets to test out his non-CMC options against a worrisome Mike. Wait, there should be one more matchup... who am I missing??

Holy shit Ben. Do you hear that in the distance? What is that?!

Make way!
Here he comes!
Ring bells! Bang the drums!
Are you gonna love this guy!

Ballsack Ali! Handsome is he, Ballsack Ababwa
That physique! How can I speak?
Weak at the knee
Well, get on out in that square
Adjust your veil and prepare
To gawk and grovel and stare at Ballsack Ali!

insert ballsack aladdin pic here


Anyway, I've got Collin/Broullire as the DSGotW, and fittingly, I've got a sneaking suspicion Jim's gonna shit the bed against Wes and earn himself the JMHM. And one of the rebranded teams, either my Untouched Beers or Ballsack Aladdin himself is going to surprise and take the Edgar, I just don't know which one.

Dawgs get to beat up on a Top 8 team this Saturday. Enjoy it boys.

Jordan

Davis

firmly cements his name into the Heisman conversation, Darnell returns to much fanfare, and Kendall

Milton

has himself a day.

Go Dawgs, Go Untouched Beers, Go America!
-Commish

Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Four
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+1). Steve the Pirate 3-0 9-5 85% 18%
2(+1). League Of Skanks 3-0 9-5 79% 14%
3(+2). Futbol Is Life 3-0 8-6 77% 13%
4(-3). BenBottom MikeBottom 2-1 8-6 66% 12%
5(-1). Collin Can't Read 2-1 7-7 60% 10%
6(+2). Body Bag Jim 2-1 7-7 56% 8%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-1). Who Hurt Collin 1-2 7-7 40% 6%
8(+2). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 1-2 6-8 35% 5%
9(+2). Backstroke Jesus 1-2 6-8 30% 4%
10(-1). Ben's Untouched Draft Beers 0-3 6-8 27% 5%
11(-4). Ballsack Aladdin 0-3 6-8 26% 4%
12(+0). Jim Puked On My AirPods 0-3 5-9 18% 2%

[Week 3] It's an Auto-Draft Ben Kinda World and He's Just an Auto-Draft Ben Kinda Girl

An Ode to Auto-Draft Ben
There once was a Ben so busy,
He couldn't drink with his friends and get dizzy,
He bitched out on the draft,
Wouldn't chug on a raft,
But somehow has the league in a tizzy.

Seriously. Fuck ESPN's rankings. Next year I'll just randomize our draft orders and then go down their rankings and assign everybody's players to them. What even is the point? Why do we do all of this shit? Drayer's in first because he won the

McCaffrey

tie-breaker with a blackout Jim, and then Auto-draft Ben(!) of all fuckers is in second after autodrafting from the 10-spot of all places. I hate everything.

Like Week 1, last week was another solid week throughout the league, with relatively consistent and even scores, and nobody making a fool . . . Wait, what was that? He did what?!? *gets handed Broullire's Week 2 score* My dear God. He was just 3.94 points away from slotting in at #10 on the lowest point totals ever, so at least he escaped that. But hot damn. I don't think anybody has seen someone fade that quickly since Jim

Martin

at the draft between the hours of 1 and 2am. One moment he's happily snackin' on some lunchmeats and the next Mike is cleaning them up off the basement walls.

Let's look at some of those Week 2 matchups:

Jeff v. Jim / 113.09 - 136.78 - - - Hey! My team of misfits broke triple digies. Not that it mattered because Jim's defense outscored every player not named

Aaron Jones

on my team. I'm still holding open tryouts for my RB2 slot, if anybody wants to relive Neil's glory days. I am also willing to execute a trade rape. Consider me the trade equivalent of wearing a mini-skirt walking down the street in downtown Atlanta. I'm just asking for it.

Collin v. Auto-draft Ben / 103.34 - 136.12 - - - I'm now going to start using these recaps as a way to scout RBs I want to trade for. Welp, the highest of the 5 RBs that played in this matchup was

Chase Edmonds

getting 10 points for Auto-draft Ben... so.... yeah nvm. That being said, fuck old man

Tom Brady

. Auto-draft Ben was supposed to auto-draft a shitty team and the fact that he didn't is going to continue to irk me.

Stephen v.

Brooks

/ 138.11 - 95.13 - - - Well hot damn. Stephen's already had more success in this league than Schifter ever did. Gotta love catching

Brooks

early before he has the chance to find some third string RB on the waiver wire that turns to gold and trade rape Wes a couple times. *looks up my schedule* Oh cool, I play him Week 8. hooray... Stephen also locks up what I think is his very first Edgar award. So congrats on that and don't spend the $20 in one place!

Mikelilpp v. Wes / 112.99 - 120.13 - - - I honestly don't know what to think about this game. Both of these teams have actually been pretty solid, scoring triples in both weeks thus far. And yet my heart wants to assume they're headed for the Kim tourney. Maybe this is the year Wes makes the playoffs. Maybe Mike ascends to his third Oltman. At this point I honestly have no fuckin' idea.

Drayer v. Broullire / 133.79 - 62.5 - - - My God Drayer he has a family! His wife is expecting! You're gonna do a man like that? You're gonna pants him in front of everybody? While the 71.29 point differential was still 16.36 points away from making the record book, it still provided the first "fun score" of the season. Broullire seemingly couldn't get anything going with just two players reaching double digits and getting a big ole donut from his kicker. MAYBE NOW YOU'LL JUMP ABOARD THE #ABOLISHKICKERS MOVEMENT YA DAMN TRADITIONALIST! Get with the times old man.

Neil v. Colby / 108.41 - 71.98 - - - Finally, we have Colby's continued descent into first-to-worst territory. I think down in Mexico he learned that futbol is not life, futbol is in fact death. All of us fuckers below the line at the moment are all within 5-10 points of each other, and then there's Colby. He's the kid eating paste in the corner of the room at the moment, with a shocking 161.78 Total PF at the moment. As it stands, that'd put him on track for a nice, solid #2 finish on the lowest point total season of all time. That slot is currently occupied by none other than Colby

Grant

himself from 2016 so... there's that I suppose. As for Neil, he is 2-0 but he and Wes are currently playing a dangerous game of being the lowest Total PF teams above the line. But hey, it's worked before. Just look at Mike's two trophies despite being 11th in all-time scoring. The ball bounces funny sometimes.

I think it comes as absolutely zero surprise that last week's Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model award goes to Mr. Matthew Broullire, and I think I'll pick Neil/Colby as the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week as neither really seemed to be able to get out of the other's way throughout it.

One thing I totally forgot to mention here the past couple posts is tracking the side bets for the year! We've already had two results, with Neil winning the first annual Creamy Baileys Kickoff Classic against cheesedick and earning himself some of that sweet old gregg nectar. Drayer also took down

Brooks

in the first half of their cumulative Bourbon Bowl so

Brooks

has a 17.92 hole to climb out of in Week 12. Oh weird, that's ironic that 1792 is also the name of a bourbon. It was meant to be.

We don't have any Side Bet Showdowns this week, but next week is my Bol de Tequila con Colby and I gotta say I'm currently feelin' pretty good about sippin some scorpion juice.
Upcoming bets that I know about (tell me if there are more:)
Week 4 - Jeff/Colby, Bol de Tequila
Week 7 - Mike/Collin, The Grandaddy of them all, the Rum Bowl
Week 8 - Jeff/

Brooks

, Scotch Bowl
Week 9 - Jeff/Broullire (damn I like liquor,) Bourbon Bowl
Week 10 - Drayer/Stephen, Currently-Undecided-Liquor Bowl
Week 12 - The second half of the Drayer/

Brooks

Bourbon Bowl, Drayer's up 17.92pt.

As for this week, I get to try and do fucking something against a vulnerable 1-1 Cheese, Jim and Auto-draft Ben are legit both projected for exactly 112.4 points and someone's gotta give,

Brooks

and Collin get to see who sucks least, Steve gets to just straight up continue his rampage against a troubled Broullire, Mike makes himself feel better against a hapless Colby, and Neil takes a shot at the throne against Drayer.
I'm gonna peg Broullire as the likely JMHM recipient because that team be crashin'. I have a feeling some shenanigans are gonna happen with me and cheese so I'm gonna select our matchup as the likely DSFGotW. Though so far none of my predictions have come true so who the fuck knows.

Dawgs get their Vandy bye this week, and I think they sleepwalk to a 35-3 type of win. Things to watch are whether or not we can start getting some game time for Dom, Darnell, and Tykee to ramp them up for the meatier SEC teams. Can't wait to see this team at full strength when we pull into Jacksonville. Those fuckin' assholes won't know what hit them, kinda like every girl Wes dated in college.

Go Dawgs, Go Greased Melons, Go America!
-Commish


Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Three
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0). BenBottom MikeBottom 2-0 9-5 83% 20%
2(+1). Steve the Pirate 2-0 8-6 76% 15%
3(-1). League Of Skanks 2-0 8-6 71% 11%
4(+2). Collin Can't Read 2-0 8-6 70% 12%
5(-1). Futbol Is Life 2-0 8-6 67% 10%
6(-1). Who Hurt Collin 1-1 7-7 43% 6%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). Jim's Drive-By Cold Cut Vomit 0-2 7-7 42% 7%
8(+1).

Brooks

Cups My Balls 1-1 7-7 41% 5%
9(-1). Jim's Greased Melon Faceplant 0-2 6-8 32% 5%
10(+1). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 0-2 6-8 28% 3%
11(-1). Backstroke Jesus 0-2 6-8 25% 3%
12(+0). Jim Puked On My AirPods 0-2 6-8 23% 2%

[Week 2] So how was the drive in?

Well, THAT went about exactly as we all planned, yeah?

Sorry for the delay fellas. Work got a bit nuts this week, so this one may be a shorty. Let's review the games!

Auto-draft Ben v. Jeff / 126.73 - 97.12 - - - cool cool cool cool cool. I didn't want to win the Oltman this year anyways. Hot damn. I came in second for the Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model award last week and got my ass handed to me by a guy that didn't even fucking show up. Goddamn it, Auto-draft Ben. I started the equivalent of Neil "Heisman" Bramblett at RB2 and shit doesn't look any more promising going forward.

Tom Brady

and

Adam Thielen

(damn you,) two guys that should be on AARP by now, ran all over my ass. If Auto-draft Ben wins the Oltman this year I'm disbanding the league. Sorry guys, had a good run. Let's hang it up.

Collin v. Stephen / 101.59 - 108.93 - - Well, well, well. Collin's team of retards came out and totally proved me wrong. They didn't win, mind you (only three players broke double digits,) but they sure as shit did better than me so *shrug.* Stevie the quiet assassin just picking up right where he left off last year.

Jim v. Mike / 102.27 - 100.24 - - Mikeeeee........ Miiiiikkkkeeeeeeee........ It's meeeeeee, the Ghost of Waffles Yet Uneatennnnnnnn....... Joinnnnn meeeee innnnn youurrrrrr ssyyyruuuppppyyyy doooooooooooommmmmmmm.........

Brooks

v. Drayer / 116.87 - 134.79 - - Yawn. Wake me up when our long national nightmare of these two teams being solid is over. Legit though, Drayer started fuckin OBJ who netted him 0 points, and got negative points from his defense, yet still beat

Brooks

by 18. Can't make that shit up. That score WOULD'VE been enough to lock in the Edgar for Mr. Drayer, if it weren't for......

Broullire v. Colby / 137.04 - 89.8 - - Mr. Broullire, have yourself a day. Getting 75 points from your WRs ain't no thang. A variance of 47.24 points isn't getting you into the Record

Book

on mikelilpp.com, but it's still a damn fine way to start your season. Congrats on the Edgar, which this year is funded by Mike's lil bitchtits. And Mexican Jesús, thank you for taking the JMHM award from yours truly. Welcome back to reality after last year.

Wes v. Neil / 105.32 - 115.3 - - This game also happened.
No, I'm just joking. After slating it for the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week, they came out and totally proved me wrong by both scoring more than me. Neil pulled it out even while grabbin' a big fat donut from

Gesicki

. Well done my dudez.

This week, I get reamed by Jim. Auto-draft Ben continues being an absentee father to his team of geriatrics.

Brooks

takes out his anger by ragefucking Stephen. Drayer and Broullire compete to see who actually gets to be on top. Wes and Mike tickle each other for a lil while. And Colby and Neil just have a good time.

Honestly, I may be a bit self-deprecating here, but I'm gonna select myself as the most likely recipient of the Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model this week, and I am also selecting my matchup with the zoolander himself as the most likely Dickslapfest Game o' the Week this week. Until proven otherwise, choosing between

Green

Bay's backup RB, Philly's backup RB, and San Francisco's third string RB as my RB2 is going to set me up for a Waffle Redux. If that happens, can't wait to see if I beat the league record!!! (anything better than Mike's zero waffles already puts me in second.)

Dawgs took care of business last week, they do it even better this week. The lowest three-game start our defense has ever had in terms of points surrendered was 12 points in 2006. We've currently surrendered 3. LFG HBTMFD.

Go Dawgs, Go Greased Melons, Go America,
-Commish


Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Two
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0). BenBottom MikeBottom 1-0 8-6 73% 16%
2(+5). League Of Skanks 1-0 8-6 61% 10%
3(+2). Steve the Pirate 1-0 8-6 60% 10%
4(+4). Futbol Is Life 1-0 7-7 57% 9%
5(+5). Who Hurt Collin 1-0 7-7 57% 9%
6(+0). Collin Can't Read 1-0 7-7 53% 8%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-5). Jim's Drive-By Cold Cut Vomit 0-1 7-7 52% 10%
8(-5). Jim's Greased Melon Faceplant 0-1 7-7 42% 7%
9(+0). Creamy Is Me 0-1 7-7 42% 7%
10(-6). Backstroke Jesus 0-1 7-7 40% 6%
11(+2). JIMBOS GOT THE SHAKES 0-1 6-8 32% 4%
12(-1). Jim Puked On My AirPods 0-1 6-8 29% 4%

[Week One] Chapter One, Let's Begin

Maestro, strike up the band.

Well gentlemen, we begin again. Hot off the weirdest year in our three decades of life (and I'm talking about Colby's championship, not the global pandemic,) we find ourselves somewhere between "back to normal" and "the new normal." There will be 92,746 barkin' dawgs in Sanford in a few days and yet a quarter of them will be wearing masks and keeping their distance. You can go downtown and hammer tequila shots in bourbon street, but also Athens Regional is filled to the brim. Odd times. To be honest, this year might be even stranger than last... But hey, at least football's back.

And with the return of football is the return of The Oltman Bowl. Now 11 years old, the league is almost old enough for Jim to hit on it on a cruise. Ah, who am I kidding? It's been old enough for at least three years now.

Speaking of Jim - - I think 25% of our team names attest to the unsurprising fact that Jim officially wins Douchebag of the Draft. Poker really fucked him, didn't it? I don't think I've ever seen somebody hammer 6 or 7 shots of rum, then play 4 games of beer pong, then smoke a bowl, then eat a whole pot cookie, and then crush some raw cold cuts by hand before. It's no wonder those cold cuts quickly made a reemergence and he drafted a 9th round kicker from his deathbed. You know what they say about playing stupid games.

Know who else played a stupid game? Motherfuckin' DJ Uiagalelei. Man, beating the shit out of overhyped quarterbacks is fun as shit. Hope we do it again in Dec. against Bryce Young.

Back to fantasy - - what's insane to me is that despite literally being deader than Wes pretended to be all weekend, Jim shockingly didn't have the worst draft (according to fantasypros.) That honor belongs to Mr. Collin Hopf ... and that's BEFORE we factor in him losing both JK

Dobbins

and

Latavius Murray

. Yikes dawg. Jimbo may have the shakes, but your team's a mistake.

After Collin, there's Wes and Mike. So basically, it seems like our loser's bracket is like the CFP... The same three damn teams run that shit. Mike, if you get last again I can't WAIT to buy some cool shit for next year's draft with your $500, cause we all know you're a massive waffle bitch.

Neil, Ben, and Jim round out the bottom half of the draft rankings. I predict that one of these teams is going to shock the world and ride the year out in the top half of the league... but who knows who. If it's Ben's dumbass autodrafted team I'm gonna shit a brick.

Broullire, Stephen(!),

Brooks

, Colby, Jeff, and Drayer round out the top half of the draft rankings, but nobody wants to talk about them. I predict three of these teams will find themselves in the losers' bracket at the end of the year, with one of them in the Waffle Bowl.

Moving onto Week One, we've got some exciting matchups. I get to try and show Ben that autodrafting a live draft is a bad idea (tho let's be honest, ESPNs team of rejects is probably gonna beat me.) Also Mike gets to try and take revenge for his pukey airpods against Jim, and

Brooks

and Drayer start their annual season-long bitchfest by facing each other in Week 1.

To renew a couple terms from last year, the Dickslapfest Game of the Week goes to the game most likely to feature two teams who can't derp their way to a win, and the Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model award goes to the person most likely to score sub-50 points:
For Week 1 - -
Dickslapfest Game of the Week - I hope nobody is lactose intolerant, because this week's DSFGotW involves both butter and cheese. I pick Creamy is Me vs. Futbol is Life. ESPN has Wes as a slight favorite to win, but in this matchup everybody else loses.
Jim

Martin

,

Hollister

Model - Until proven otherwise I'm going to have a tough ass time picking anybody other than Collin Hopf. Hey Collin, I'm glad that you and Megan are having a boy, because your team is having a bitch-of-a-time-winning-anything-this-year.

There you have it, folks. Let's kick this season off with a bang. I wanna see plenty of shit-talking. I want to see multiple side bets. Liquor bets are fun, but slap bets are even better. I wanna see JT

Daniels

throw for four touchdowns on Sat. and then

Carson

Beck

add four more.

Go Dawgs, Go Greased Melons, Go America,
-Commish

Onto the rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week One
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0). BenBottom MikeBottom 0-0 8-6 65% 14%
2(+0). Jim's Drive-By Cold Cut Vomit 0-0 7-7 60% 12%
3(+0). Jim's Greased Melon Faceplant 0-0 7-7 56% 10%
4(+0). Backstroke Jesus 0-0 7-7 52% 9%
5(+0). Steve the Pirate 0-0 7-7 50% 8%
6(+0). Collin Can't Read 0-0 7-7 49% 8%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). League Of Skanks 0-0 7-7 47% 7%
8(+0). Futbol Is Life 0-0 7-7 47% 7%
9(+0). Creamy Is Me 0-0 7-7 45% 7%
10(+0). Who Hurt Collin 0-0 7-7 45% 7%
11(+0). Jim Puked On My AirPods 0-0 7-7 42% 6%
12(+0). JIMBOS GOT THE SHAKES 0-0 7-7 42% 6%

Successful Draft! LM Note incoming next week.

Picks were made, cold cuts were vomited, kickers were drafted way too damn early, and greased melons were squeezed by all. Ben, you were missed. Hope y'all are settling in well to the reno.

Outside of Jim painting the downstairs walls a new color, that may have been one of the most successful draft weekends ever. Stephen, you were a welcome addition to the festivities, glad you enjoyed your first spelling bee.

We'll start up with full-time LM Notes next week, for now I need everybody to rest, relax, and hydrate up to prepare themselves for an epic fantasy football season beginning in 10 days. Until then, Go motherfucking Dawgs!
-Commish