[Week 7] Well Fuck You Too, Stephen
Gosh darn it. Gosh darn Stephen and gosh darn
Derrick Henry
. Ughhhhhhh. That was miserable. Here I was feelin' all giddy that my team was on the rebound, practically skipping up the stairs outta the cellar, and Stephen just came along and kicked my ass back down. I think that if
Derrick Henry
hadn't manhandled me, I'd be sitting in 7th or 8th right now, but instead Stephen dealt me my 3rd(!) loss in the week's highest scoring matchup and claimed his second Edgar. He is now the only one of us to claim two epileptic squirrels, so perhaps the Mad Scalper title from last year can be applied to him once more.
Elsewhere in the league, Drayer claimed his third JMHM of the last four weeks, as he continues to wallow in despair from losing CMC &
Carson
. Although the motherfucker is still technically above the playoff line so you know what? Mike and I don't wanna hear it.
In a stat that only the nerds care about,
Brooks
has now reclaimed the top spot for Career Points For, bumping Drayer down to 2nd. Ben is now just 79 points away from bumping Mike down to lowest Career Points For, which still just seems shocking to me that Mike has two Oltmans in his belt with a point total like that. At least those two Oltmans will keep him warm while he's munchin' on waffles in a few months.
Let's check out the games from last week:
Jeff v. Stephen / 128.87 - 137.58 - - - Motherfuckinpieceofworthlesscuntlickingdegeneratesackofballessbastardprobingbitchsuckingshit
Broullire v. Ben / 90.51 - 96.67 - - - Man, I did not anticipate this game being the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week but I guess I should've known given that Broullire's team is a motherfuckin loose cannon this season. They could score 140 points, they could score 60, who the fuck's to say?
Wes v. Colby / 114.69 - 110.66 - - - Wes fingered Colby and then changed his name accordingly. I think we all just need to get used to our new Cheesy overlord. When Darrell fuckin'
Henderson
is leading your team in scoring and you continue to win, you're on some voodoo shit and I want nothing to do with it. Wes is now 2-1 in the closest matchups of the season and he may just be Mr. Clutch.
Brooks
v. Neil / 128.7 - 96.52 - - - If you're gonna shoot at the
King
you better not miss and Mr. Ballsack himself surely didn't. Alas, so endeth Neil's reign as the last remaining unbeaten, and so also endeth the marriage between
Brooks
' team and my own. I shall miss thee, fair Ballsack.
Jim v. Drayer / 128.46 - 80.2 - - - Ouch. DrayerBottom once more. Jim just keeps jacked-up-truckin' along and is now taking part in the ménage à quatre that we've got going on at the top of the bracket. Everyone throw your keys in the jar and see who you're goin' home with. It's a motherfuckin' orgy.
Collin v. Mike / 132.09 - 80.86 - - - Who is this Collin team!? The dude just keeps hammering points and yet he's 2-4. He's a solid 3rd in PF (I won't mention who's a close 4th...) and yet below the line. A lottttttt of football left to play here. Except for Mike. Mike basically should've won the JMHM but for the .66 points that Drayer sucked even worse by.
Let's look ahead to this week:
Matthew Berry's dubbing this week Byemageddon, and some teams like yours truly, Wes, Mike, Jim, and Neil's Tight End Trifecta have more bye's on their bench than a 2005 hit song by *NSYNC. I mean fuck, I'm starting D'Importance of Being D'Ernest as my RB2. Crazy times. For this week, Collin probably teaches my team of backups a thing or two, Ben gets back to triple digies IF anybody on his team is actually healthy enough to play, Neil takes out his frustration, sexual and otherwise, against Broullire, Drayer has a cry against Wes, Mike gets his first win of the season against
Brooks
( what?!), and Steve takes another scalp against a bye-hampered Jim.
I feel like Neil's gonna get back to his demenford ways and suck the life out of a rollercoaster-ridin' Broullire, so that'll be our Dickslapfest Game o' the Week, and until proven otherwise, Drayer's got a bead on that Jim
Martin
,
Hollister
Model award.
Dawgs rest their not-so-weary heads this week, hopeful to return 3-4 WRs and possibly JTD. If this offense gets even just a hair better, watch out, this team may just be unstoppable.
Cheese also gets married (officially) tomorrow, so hopefully no one will have to throw him out of his own wedding like Collin did at Jim's. Congrats/Condolences to the Mrs. Cheese.
Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Seven
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+3). Collin Can't Read 5-1 9-5 93% 22%
2(+0). Steve the Pirate 5-1 9-5 88% 15%
3(-2). Futbol Is Life 5-1 9-5 88% 14%
4(-1). League Of Skanks 5-1 9-5 87% 14%
5(+1). Colby Got Fingerd 4-2 8-6 79% 14%
6(+3). Ballsack Aladdin 2-4 6-8 40% 6%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-2). BenBottom MikeBottom 3-3 6-8 38% 4%
8(+3). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 2-4 6-8 26% 3%
9(-2). Who Hurt Collin 2-4 6-8 23% 3%
10(+0). Espn's PC Team Names 2-4 6-8 19% 2%
11(-3). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 1-5 5-9 16% 3%
12(+0). Gym Vom'd On My AirPods 0-6 4-10 2% <1%
