**See my last title regarding cockroach : living :: Brooks : winning** - Round 1 Recap & Round 2 Preview

I don't think y'all all really need the loquaciousness that I usually bring to these posts this week, as last week's regular season roundup really put the big ass cherry on top of the shit sundae that was the 2020 fantasy football season. Yes, yes, I know, I am still very much in contention to win the damn thing, but I think any objective third party observer can admit that this season has been about as much fun as a bucket full o' nails in a chuck e. cheese ball pit. Between postponements, last minute IR adds, and *ahem* stat corrections, it's been a barrel full of drunk monkeys for sure. I, for one, am desperately hoping enough idiots in this country have taken a vaccine by the time the 2021 season rolls around, because I'm sure as shit ready for some fuckin' normalcy around these parts.

What a week last week turned out to be though, eh?? I wasn't actively watching any of the games, but I was definitely following along in the app and damn. That was insane.

-Ben got career days out of 3(!) starters in Gesicki, Lamar, and JT, plus a very solid effort by Tyreek, and still came up just short of Brooks in a THRILLING ending to the week's action. I know that Ben's metaphorical waffles this year are gonna have Parker & McManus written ALLLLL over them.

-Colby & Neil went about as expected, unfortunately for Butters. And surprisingly it had nothing to do with CMC being out after all, as Mike Davis gave him about as much production as he could've expected from McCaffrey. Instead, every single one of Neil's pass catchers decided to dip their hands in wet cement and suck ass all at once. Yikes. Neil and Ben now get to battle for 5th place and then retire early to the clubhouse watch the action in the Oltman and Waffle Bowls next week.

-Broullire & Jim exchanged haymakers all throughout the weekend, and I legitimately thought each one had it in the bag multiple times. After the smoke cleared, it wound up being BROULLIRE who emerged victorious and booked his Get Out Of Waffles card in round 1. It's a bit of a shame, as I was really loving the idea of a mid-offseason dudes trip to JAX to heckle him, but I am glad that Roswell(?) (Milton? wait, where do you live Jim?) is a significantly closer trip. Speaking above of writing names on waffles, I think Jim's will have MB on each one should he fall further.

-In yet another VERY close matchup, Stephen eeked by Wes with a margin of 1.11 points. Although granted, Stephen made the last min decision to not risk a fumble and benched Kareem Hunt, leaving 26 extra points on the bench. Regardless, Stephen achieves Waffle Safety in just his first year in the league, and Wes is at risk of syrupy doom. All in all, about where we thought we'd be.

-Finally, the Loser's Bye. I don't think I fully understood just how fucked up our loser's bracket really is, despite becoming intimately familiar with the process last year myself. It makes ZERO sense that Collin is "rewarded" for winning by facing Jim, whereas Mike gets Wes by losing. Y'all, please don't let me forget about this issue in the offseason. Let's make some good decisions about how to best run a loser's bracket so that it's still fun for the rest of us to watch, but makes logical sense. Even just switching these matchups in the future so that the winner plays the easier opponent would make sense.

Either way, we've officially got our Top Four and Bottom Four (tho I think we're all surprised Colby's a Top, if you know what I mean.) Will the Oltman Bowl wind up Bama vs. Clemso-- whoops, I mean Drayer vs. Brooks? Will Colby or myself inject a little newness into it? Will Mike escape the Waffle Bowl? ("just one win, baby!") Who's unpredictable team will reign supreme between Jim & Collin? How high will Wes get before his Waffle House Challenge?

So many questions, just two more weeks for answers.

As always, Go Dawgs(?), Go Tortilla Fight Boiz, Go America.
-Commish

Like a Cockroach in a Nuclear Holocaust, May I Introduce Mr. Brooks Sawyer - Week 13 Recap & PLAYOFFS FIRST ROUND Preview

Some things just simply never die. Taylor Swift's popularity, my hunger for the McRib, and finally, Brooks Sawyer's Oltman pursuit. How did we miss this? I wrote an entire predictions note last week and somehow never caught on to the fact that Broullire beating me would trigger the apocal-- sorry, I mean trigger a three-way tie that'd allow Brooks to waltz into the playoffs despite losing to Wes(!) Just absolute insanity.

After the stat correction, which many people thought to be karma from attempting a QB/TE cheat code, and ending up on the playoff bubble, I don't think anyone expected this. Mr. Sawyer, I hereby name you The Most Interesting Team of the Year. It may or may not yet end in a 4th Oltman trophy and being crowned the first back-to-back winner, but damn what a ride it has been. Wow. Meanwhile, Jim took his surprising fall into the abyss with what some may call a surprising nonchalance; basically saying "huh, that sucks." to the news. Glad to see he's been paying attention, having finally spent some of his FAAB for the first time this year. Good luck with the miscreants down there Jimbo.

Let's review this week's matchups before moving onto some End of the Regular Season stats:

In the upper bracket, Drayer & I both have the week off. Drayer's team will sit and just get hungrier to feast on whoever comes out of his side of the bracket, while The Tortilla Fight Boiz have been quoted as saying "Dear God just let us get healthy in our bye week." Seriously. Someone give Antonio Gibson a damn toe for christsakes.

Neil and Colby battle once more for the "Most Screwed" title, with neither of them realizing that that award was already given to Binford Griffin by the Atlanta PD. Oh dear God I cannot believe I just wrote that. Am I allowed to write that? Does it make it any better if I acknowledge that Neil's already engaged to a smokeshow that's twice the woman she ever was? Yikes. Well with that joke alone, Neil's probably revvin' up his team in anger so watch the fuck out Colby. This one may ultimately hinge on whether or not CMC is available which ain't lookin' great thus far.

Brooks takes on Ben with revenge in his eyes. No, not revenge from the regular season, because Brooks handled Ben then, too. Motherfucker's comin' for me and he's comin' hard (that's what she said.) I think one of my favorite dynamics this year though has been Ben's shocking confidence when it pertains to going up against Brooks. I fucking love it. Keep up the shittalking Ben. Believe me from last year, losing's a lot more fun if you shittalked your way to it...

Down below the line:

Broullire versus Jim in the "I can't believe we're below the fucking line" Bowl. Both of these teams need just one win to avoid the Waffle Bowl but only one of them can get one here. This might be the closest matchup of the week, at least on paper. Broullire's been surging, but Jim's team is unpredictable as fuck (almost as much as Collin's.) Should be a good one. If one of these teams winds up in the Waffle Bowl eventually, something's gone wonky. Cheer for wonkiness.

Wes and Stephen face each other in what should be a weird one. Wes's team has been terrible all year (except for beating Brooks last week, what up?) but Stephen's team is new to this whole being-bad thing. It's a clash of New Suck vs. Old Suck and we shall see who sucks just a wee bit worse. It's fucking weird that with a win here, Wes can guarantee safety from the Waffle Bowl. I did NOT expect that going into this season, but that's where we're at.

Finally, the matchup Brooks so lovingly dubbed "The Loser's Bye." Yes my friends, it's Mike & Collin Week and we couldn't be happier. In a Rum Bowl Revenge game, the winner here still ain't done yet. These two lovelies need two wins in order to avoid the Waffle Bowl and by God I honestly have no idea what to expect. Does Julio or Davante go apeshit and propel Collin into Round 2? Does Mike's Frankenstein monster mixmatch of RBs pull him through? This is the game this week I'm most interested in. GIMME SOME FUCKING FIREWORKS BITCHES. Dance for me, Derek.


Onto some fascinating stats, compiled for us by our resident nerds Brooks & Drayer.
They not only love crunching numbers, they also love each other. I think I saw Drayer touching Brooks' pocket protector once. Scandalous.

Closest Games:
-Jeff was in the weekly closest matchup 4 separate times, he went 3-1.
-Brooks was in the weekly closest matchup 3 separate times, he went 0-3.
-The season's closest matchup? Jeff vs. Brooks, aka The Taysom Hill Conundrum. Jeff won by 0.04.

Highest Scoring Games:
-Drayer was in the weekly highest scoring matchup 7(!) total times, he went 5-2.
-Colby was in the weekly highest scoring matchup 5 total times, he went 1-4.
-The highest scoring matchup of the year: Drayer beat Jim 166.27 - 125.66 for a combined point total of 291.93.

Lowest Scoring Games:
-Mike was in the lowest weekly scoring matchup 4 times, went 1-3.
-Wes was in the lowest weekly scoring matchup 3 times, went 0-3. Yikes.
-Lowest combined scoring matchup? Jim beat Collin 87.39 - 45.91, a combined total of 133.30. Aka, Jim and Collin could've teamed up that week and still lost to Jeff, Brooks, or Drayer. Yikes again.

In total, and this will factor into Edgar Award payouts (highest weekly scorers:)
-Drayer's scored highest 4 weeks, Brooks 3 weeks, Colby 2 weeks, Broullire 2 weeks, Jeff 1 week, and Collin 1 week.

For lowest weekly scorer:
-Stephen 4 weeks, Neil 2 weeks, Broullire 2 weeks, Mike 2 weeks, Wes 1 week, Jeff 1 week, and Collin 1 week.

Random stats:
-Brooks is the first 6-7 team to make the playoffs since Michael Elliott in 2016. Before that it was done by both Colby and Brooks in 2015, and Ben in 2014 (infamous divisions tallest-midget year.)

-Drayer's 1680 regular season points is the highest point total since we switched from full-point PPR to half-point PPR, eclipsing Jeff's 2018 total of 1627.37. Colby's 1598.68 total this year slots into the third-most ever.

-Mike's 1116.25 is the third worst point total ever since the switch from full-to-half.

-This year is also the largest gap between 1st place and 12th place we've ever had at a differential of 565 points. The previous high was 443. Huge discrepancy this year.

The bad news for Drayer and good news for Mike? Only once has the top scoring team won the championship and the bottom scoring team has NEVER lost the Kim. The final finishes in the regular season for the ultimate champion previously: 2nd, 1st, 2nd, 4th, 9th(!) and 2nd.

-New historical Total Points For:
1. Drayer - 10,328.49
2. Brooks - 10,312.50
3. Jeff - 10,124.57
4. Neil - 10,058.21
5. Colby - 9,918.38
6. Jim - 9,779.81
7. Collin - 9,747.90
8. Broullire - 9,705.02
9. Adam/Stephen - 9,653.43
10. Wes - 9,405.38
11. Mike - 9,347.11
12. Ben - 9,207.77

Looking that over, (this year aside) is there anyone who has done more with less than Mike? And is there anyone who has done less with more than ... me? Hot damn, I'm the motherfucking Mark Richt of the league.

Oh well. Happy Playoffs everybody!

Go Dawgs, Go Tortilla Fight Boiz, Go America!
-The Commish

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN - Week 12 Recap & Week 13 Rankings

So we've arrived. It's officially Decision Day in the Oltman League, and a number of teams are waiting to see if they're going to battle it out in the Oltman tournament, or face a possible syrupy demise in the Waffle tournament. As it stands today:

-Drayer, Benjamin, and myself have booked a ticket to the big show. All that's left is to determine who receives first-round byes. For Drayer and me, win and we're in. For Ben, he needs to beat Colby and have me lose to Broullire and he'll slot into second place and earn a bye.

-For Neil, best I can tell, he has also booked his ticket even though FantasyPros still only gives him a 92% chance of making it. To have a chance at missing it, he'd need to lose to Collin, have Colby, Jim, and Brooks all win, and then somehow get the shit end of a 4-way tie. According to Brooks' superior intellect, Brooks would be the odd man out in that scenario, not Neil, so I'm not positive where that 8% of doubt comes from in FantasyPros' calculations.

-Here's where things get interesting. Colby, Jim, and Brooks all sit at 6-6. One of these dudes is getting left out in the cold. Here are the scenarios:
-If just one of them loses, that fella's out.
-If Jim wins and Colby and Brooks lose, Colby's out.
-If Colby wins and Jim and Brooks both lose, Brooks is out.
-If Brooks wins and Colby and Jim both lose, Jim is out.
-If all three win, I believe Brooks is out because Colby would win the 3-way tie due to Points For, and then Jim owns the head-to-head matchup with him and Brooks.
(this is absolutely worth redesigning in the offseason.)
So that you can wager appropriately on these outcomes . . .
-Brooks is currently a 23.6 point favorite over Wes
-Colby should wind up as a 18.7 point favorite over Ben once he sets his lineup
-Jim is a 9.3 point dog to Drayer

It's 2020, anything can happen!! I know I'll be glued to these three matchups over the weekend, and I hope that there's some fun shittalking in the group text (minus Brooks who continues his boycott of all things fun in the Oltman.)

Speaking of Brooks... I did NOT foresee that stat correction whatsoever. If I had, I wouldn't have posted that whole Donald Trump speech last week. Honestly, this is like the Trump campaign actually overturning results in Georgia or Wisconsin.... Totally unexpected. But thems the breaks. I've piled on a bit too heavily on this whole Taysom Hill thing already, so I certainly won't be mentioning that if Brooks had only played Taysom Hill as an actual QB instead of a TE in Week 11, he would've beaten me handily....

Finally, the Waffle Tourney. Not much Decision Day drama to be had down here, as Broullire, Stephen, Wes, Collin, and Mike have all punched their ticket toward certain doom. The only drama worth watching here is who will join Mike in the cellar and have to win twice to escape the Waffle Bowl? It will most likely come down to whether or not Wes or Collin can pull off a win this week. I think there might be some convoluted ways that MB or Stephen could wind up in the cellar (maybe?) but tbh I'm not going to spend too much time working those out. Still - - worth monitoring for sure!

As for last weeks' matchups, not sure that there was enough drama to go game-by-game but I do want to dedicate a special part of this note to Mr. Collin Hopf. Oh Collin. You faced a very beatable Jim, who scored a Mike-score in the 80's, and what did you decide to do? You decided to post one of the Top(low?) 10 scores of all time with a whopping 45.91 points. I decided to compose a limerick for you:
There once was a young lad named Collin,
Who used to think that his team was ballin'
Til he totally shat the bed
He's been left for dead
Now for waffles, he'll face Mike who's pp is smallin'

This is it, gentlemen and Wes. Week 13 separates the men from the boys. The butters from the cheesedicks. Good luck!!

Go Dawgs, Go Tortilla Fight Boiz, Go America!
-The Commish

Onto the final regular season rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Thirteen
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0) Premature Venmolation 9-3 10-3 100% 32%
2(+0) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 9-3 10-3 100% 25%
3(+1) Cancel 2020 8-4 8-5 100% 7%
4(+2) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 7-5 7-6 92% 7%
5(-2) COVID Jesus 6-6 7-6 89% 12%
6(-1) Taysom Hill is the #1 TE 6-6 7-6 78% 11%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 6-6 6-7 38% 4%
8(+0) Marginal Fucks Given 5-7 5-8 3% <1%
9(+0) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 5-7 5-8 <1% <1%
10(+0) mike lil pp 4-8 5-8 0% 0%
11(+0) Fuck Me Until You Love Me 4-8 4-9 0% 0%
12(+0) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 3-9 4-9 0% 0%

We were getting ready for a big celebration. We were winning everything and all of a sudden it was just called off. - Week 11 Recap & Week 12 Rankings

This is a fraud on the American public. This is an embarrassment to our country. We were getting ready to win this matchup. Frankly, we did win this matchup. We did win this matchup. So our goal now is to ensure the integrity of the matchup for the good of this nation. This is a very big moment. This is a major fraud in our nation. We want the law to be used in a proper manner. So we’ll be going to the ESPN Fantasy Offices. We want all point accumulation to stop. We don’t want them to find any more Taysom Hill points at four o’clock in the morning and add them to the score. Okay? It’s a very sad moment. To me this is a very sad moment and we will win this. And as far as I’m concerned, we already have won it.
-The Commissioner of the Oltman Bowl

Wow. So how 'bout that drive in, eh? Guess that's why they call it Sin City. What a weekend. Brooks *perfectly legally!* used a QB in a TE slot, and yet I was still less than 2 yards away from beating him. That may have been the most devastating loss I've experienced, minus last year's Waffle Bowl. I've considered all of the possibilities, even outside of the obvious Taysom Hill Conundrum. What if my kicker didn't miss the BS extra point he missed? What if *any* of my skill players had fallen forward at any point in the game? I'd be sitting in first place, a lock for the playoffs.

As it stands though, I dropped below Ben into 3rd, lost my auto-bye, and still have to face a shockingly resurgent Colby and Broullire. Lose both of those and there's a real shot at missing the playoffs. Yikes times ten, as they say.

Other matchups last week were as follows:

Colby v. Mike - 120.83 - 85.34 - - Colby is still Colby, but he no longer is getting Colbied. That has me worried going into this week's matchup with him. Mike on the other hand is in a frenzy sending hydroxychloroquine to the Coleman, Gaskin, Swift, and Ekeler households, as he slides down into the role of the sole owner of the Cellar timeshare. It all comes down to one game, as he says.

Broullire v. Drayer - 143.48 - 119.93 - - Uh... what? What just happened? Did Drayer get Colbied? Is Broullire... good? I am suddenly terrified of the Week 13 continuation of the Bourbon Bowl. A couple more wins and Broullire could do the seemingly impossible and sneak his way into the playoffs. It is 2020, after all...

Ben v. Neil - 101.06 - 94.75 - - I think y'all must've taken it personally when I chose y'all to be this week's Dickslapfest Game o' the Week. You both came out and left it all out on the field. Despite an utter shitshow by his Falcons players, Ben pulled ahead and kept it steady throughout the weekend. Ben's looking like a lock for the playoffs, and he isn't even the tallest midget division leader this time around. Love it.

Wes v. Collin - 111.45 - 101.59 - - What are these scores!? The Kim Bowl Bracket came to fuckin' play in Week 11! I picked Wes to be the Jim Martin Hollister Model and he turns around and scores his second highest point total of the year. If I could post gifs in these things I'd post that Michael Jordan gif "and I took that personally!" I'm gonna double down on what I've maintained for weeks, The losers bracket is going to be fuckin' quality television, y'all.

Stephen v. Jim - 73.54 - 100.67 - - Yikes. Stephen's team all collectively decided to shit the bed at the same time except for *checks notes* Curtis Samuel and his kicker. That's... not a recipe for success. Stevie's lookin' like a strong candidate for the thrilling Kim Bowl Bracket... can Jim escape? Who's to say.

Where does that leave us? Drayer now has a lock on the playoffs, with an almost-lock on a first round bye (thanks to my loss.) We have 8(!) teams all within a couple games of each other, which makes them all candidates to round out the remaining 5 slots of the playoffs. Wes, Collin, and Mike seem to have already booked their tickets to the Kim Bowl Bracket. A couple former locks for the KBB seem to be surging, so who knows where we'll be sitting in two weeks. Thrilling!

Coming up this week, Colby probably annihilates me, Brooks tries to put out the raging Broullire inferno, Ben tries to keep Mike in his place, Drayer gets an easy win against Wes, Collin and Jim tickle each other, and Neil and Stephen look to be dead fuckin' even.

Because of that, I'm choosing Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts vs. My Name's Not Adam Schifter as this week's Dickslapfest Game o' the Week. Who's going to get out of the other one's way? Who's to say. (Sorry to choose you twice in a row, Neil!) As for the Jim Martin Hollister Model, I'm gonna choose the person facing Jim and select mike lil pp. I just feel like he's gonna shit the bed against Mr. Hollister himself.

Enjoy your turkey this week, boys! Go Dawgs, Go Tortilla Fight Boiz, Go Elastic Waistbands!
-Commish

Onto the Rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Twelve
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0) Premature Venmolation 8-3 9-4 100% 33%
2(+0) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 7-4 8-5 99% 16%
3(+1) COVID Jesus 6-5 7-6 92% 17%
4(-1) Cancel 2020 7-4 7-6 92% 9%
5(+1) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 6-5 7-6 85% 13%
6(-1) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 6-5 7-6 55% 4%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+2) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 5-6 6-7 27% 3%
8(+2) Marginal Fucks Given 5-6 6-7 24% 2%
9(-2) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 5-6 6-7 24% 2%
10(-2) mike lil pp 4-7 5-8 3% <1%
11(+1) Fuck Me Until You Love Me 4-7 5-8 <1% <1%
12(-1) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 3-8 4-9 -- 0% 0%

Who's in Greater Denial? Trump in Losing the Election? or Wes in Owing F1 Bet Money? - Week 10 Recap & Week 11 Rankings

Seriously though. Wes seems to relish in the fact that he owes the league an extra $29 (and counting, quickly,) at draft time next season. He's already planning on an F1 text that's worthy of $30. I really wish we had some way of increasing his penalty...

That's enough about Wes though. If I don't stop talking about Wes soon, next thing you know these LM Notes are just going to be filled with pictures of my dog, links to jambands or EDM tunes, and thoughts about the moon at any given moment. Toss in a couple innuendos about eating ass, and you've got yourself a full-on Cheesucopia.

This past week had some fantastic matchups, most of which I assumed would be a whole lot closer than they wound up. The closest matchup ended up being between a couple of Cellar Bubble teams in Collin vs. Broullire, and that was just because Jimmy Graham shat the bed for Broullire late Monday night. We didn't even really get a true Dickslapfest Game o' The Week because all other matchups had someone clearly pull away. Let's review:

Mike v. Jeff - 68.21 - 102.53 - - What else is there to say? I had this game pegged as the probable Dickslapfest Game o' The Week (it's gonna be a thing) but then as per yuge, Kyler Murray said fuck that and took the game over himself. As for Mike, there's no way in hell I'd go as far as to point out that had he played Jones & Gallman instead of McKinnon & Fulgham, he would've won by two. I'd never sink that low.

Drayer v. Brooks - 132.52 - 103.44 - - Man, this one had the makings of a classic when the weekend got started. In an ironic turn of fate, Tom Brady was the one player to NOT let Brooks down this week. Drayer regains his regular threshold of scoring after suffering a shocking loss last week......... ;)

Neil v. Colby - 64.51 - 98.07 - - This was probably the closest thing we got this week to a Dickslapfest Game o' The Week, as both of these teams were surprisingly underwhelming. Colby scored in the double digits for just the second time this season, yet Neil's team failed to capitalize while struggling mightily just to maintain their dignity and avoid falling below the "Jim Martin Horizon" (read: anything sub 50 points.) Being down CMC, Golladay, and Mahomie all at the same time is gonna hurt, no matter who you are.

Collin v. Broullire - 94.31 - 91.21 - - pass.

Jim v. Ben - 105.83 - 85.07 - - BEN! Benny boy. Benjamina. Woof. You've had a surprisingly profitable 2020 thus far, essentially acting as the "Zoom stockholder" of our league, yet you fall to Jim of all people. I tell y'all what, the race for the playoffs the next three weeks will be fascinating, as I honestly don't know who out of Neil, Ben, Brooks, Colby, and Stephen is gonna get left out in the cold. There could even be a surprising Collin or Jim appearance! But once Week 14 hits, the Kim Tourney is going to have ALL the fireworks. I can't wait to see the march toward Waffles between everyone.

Stephen v. Wes - 121.49 - 97.4 - - Ah yes, The Last of the Stephicans is the latest person to use Wes as their personal punching bag, posting his second highest score since Week 1. The lone bright spot for our cheesiest friend was that Corey Davis tripled the score of AJ Brown... so... congrats? I guess?

Looking toward this week - Brooks and I give yet another potential preview of the future Oltman Bowl, only this is what would happen if Alvin Kamara tore his ACL before the playoffs (I am not wishing for a player to injure himself. I'm no monster.) Colby tries not to embarrass himself against Mike's Squad of Injured RBs, Broullire decides whether or not to even field a team against Drayer, Ben and Neil match up in what I'm being told has all the conditions for dick-slapping, Wes & Collin promise hilarity in a potential preview of the Waffle Bowl, and finally the two sneakiest teams who will both probably miss the playoffs face off when Stephen takes on Jim.

Now that I keep reusing the same sayings in all of these posts, I'm gonna start issuing some predictions. the DSFGoTW goes to the game most likely to feature two teams who can't derp their way to a win, and the Jim Martin Hollister Clerk award goes to the person most likely to score sub-50 points:
Dickslapfest Game o' The Week - The Storm Trackers at WSBTV have alerted me that they're tracking a massive dick-front moving eastbound from Birmingham to Atlanta, and there's a a strong likelihood of a Dickslapfest brewin' in Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts vs. Cancel 2020.
Jim Martin Hollister Clerk - Honestly, this is a tough one. I never would've predicted Neil last time. May be a cop-out, but I'm going to go with the big Cheese himself and predict Fuck Me Until You Love Me to take home the JMHC.

That's all she wrote, folks. Go JT Daniels, Go Tortilla Fight Boiz, Go Brad Raffensperger.
-Commish

Onto the rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Eleven
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0) Premature Venmolation 8-2 10-3 100% 34%
2(+0) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 7-3 8-5 99% 17%
3(+1) Cancel 2020 6-4 7-6 76% 6%
4(+2) COVID Jesus 5-5 7-6 76% 12%
5(-2) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 6-4 7-6 73% 7%
6(-1) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 5-5 7-6 70% 12%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 5-5 7-6 54% 6%
8(+2) mike lil pp 4-6 6-7 22% 2%
9(+0) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 4-6 5-8 17% 2%
10(-2) Marginal Fucks Given 4-6 5-8 13% 1%
11(+0) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 3-7 4-9 <1% <1%
12(+0) Fuck Me Until You Love Me 3-7 4-9 <1% <1%

The Real Georgia Team Showed Up to Everbank Field Total Landscaping by Mistake - Week 9 Recap & Week 10 Rankings

What a weekend. The election is finally over despite any sore losers alleging fraud, the Dawgs decided to go ahead and crush all hopes for this year and focus on next year, and I get to slap Drayer directly in his face.

Honestly at this point, the slap is just icing on the cake. That win went a LONG way toward moving me as far away as possible from a Waffle Repeat. I gotta say, if the unthinkable happens and I wind up losing the Kim Bowl this year, y'all might have to force-feed me those buttery demons. I still wake up in a cold maple syrupy sweat from time to time thinking about the sheer amount of chewing I did that day. It's also not just waffles. I can't look at ANY batter-based breakfast treat the same way. Pancakes? Nah dawg. Crepes? save those for the sorostitutes at Pauleys. I'm not even sure if I'd be able to stomach a corn dog. A CORN DOG! I've officially got PTWD.

Elsewhere in the league:

Mike v. Neil - 100.06 - 137.54 - - Don't look now, but NeilTheThrill is actually putting togeth- .... wait, what was that? Ah damnit, CMC is back out. Seriously, The Great White Buffalo is slowly turning into Mr. Glass. At least you got 32 points out of him in the interim and effectively shut Mike down despite Mike achieving triple digits for the first time since Week 5. Damn Mike, it sucks to get Colby'ed and slide on down to #12. That cellar's getting mighty mighty crowded. I think the Kim Tourney might be more interesting than the winner's bracket this year.

Brooks v. Collin - 73.87 - 82.82 - - Speaking of disappointing lil pp's, we arrive at Brooks. For real though, "mike's lil pp" was very similar to Mike's real lil' pp in that it was surprisingly disappointing yet it still got the job done. (I'm still super excited for you and Kelley, don't hate me!) In what was very much his lowest output of the year, Brooks shockingly fell to cellar-dweller Collin on the back of Tom Brady's worst NFL game ever. Brooks was last seen driving down I-75 South toward Tampa Bay for what I assume to be an entirely above-the-board reason...

Colby v. Jim - 136.61 - 90.4 - - Well, well, well. It took back-to-back matchups against cellar dwellers for Colby to stop Colbying out. Congrats, I guess? He has one more cellar-dweller on his schedule in Mike next week, but the other 3/4ths of his remaining schedule consist of folks tied for 2nd place. Yikes.

Broullire v. Stephen - 96.59 - 70.41 - - Well, Stephen did finally decide to field running backs in this game, but it didn't wind up helping him too much as they combined for about 13 points. They turned out to not really be the main issue though, as everybody outside Matt Ryan and JuJu Smith-Schuster absolutely shat the bed when they saw the Broullire Juggernauts step onto the field. Broullire's team may finally begin rounding the corner, with the return of Chubb imminent and Ekler probably not far behind. That, or he'll slide back down into the cellar. Who's to say, really?

Ben v. Wes - 105.66 - 79.22 - - Ah... back to beating up on Wes. After reeling off three straight surprising wins, Colby and Ben have rightfully put Wes right back where his team belongs. With games remaining against Stephen (should stephen elect to field a team this week...), a tricky Collin, and then *checks notes* Drayer and Brooks...... Wesley, prepare your stomach my friend. I'd recommend taking laxatives a few hours before walking into the WaHo.

Jeff v. Drayer - 116.97 - 114.17 - - I'll refrain from gloating, as this was an insanely close matchup that shouldn't have been as close as it was. It literally took the Saints taking a shit on Tom Brady's chest, thus causing both teams to pull their starters for Drayer to fall to me, and that was even just by 2.7 points. It appears that the Georgia Sports curse applies not only to Georgia teams, but also to Drayer and Donald Trump. Do with that what you will. Meanwhile, I'll be working out my wrist to prepare for Drayer's face. (I tried a few different ways of writing that sentence and there was no possible way of NOT making it sound like I was jacking off to prepare to bukkake Drayer, so... I'll just leave it as it is.)


Coming up this week, Drayer and Brooks give us a possible preview of the Oltman championship game, Neil attempts to show Colby what the old-school version of Colbying, called Neiling, really looks like, mike lil pp fucks around with Broullire, Ben looks surprisingly weak against a stellar cellar dweller Jim, Stephen probably continues the Wes Beatdown streak, and Mike and I star in what will probably end up as the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week.

Dawgs are off because the rest of the league can't handle their shit when it comes to global pandemics (plus, we and Bama are probably just a shit ton better at keeping it under wraps.) And the Falcons are off because who wants to watch that shit anyways. This weekend is about one thing and one thing only, falling asleep mid-beer during Masters coverage. Enjoy it boys, we get it again in just five short months*.

*Pfizer vaccine pending
-Commish

Onto the rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Ten
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0) Premature Venmolation 7-2 9-4 >99% 33%
2(+1) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 6-3 8-5 92% 14%
3(+1) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 6-3 8-5 85% 10%
4(+1) Cancel 2020 6-3 8-5 84% 8%
5(-3) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 5-4 7-6 78% 12%
6(+1) COVID Jesus 4-5 6-7 66% 11%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-1) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 4-5 6-7 35% 4%
8(+1) Marginal Fucks Given 4-5 6-7 33% 4%
9(-1) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 3-6 5-8 12% 1%
10(+1) mike lil pp 3-6 5-8 12% 1%
11(-1) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 3-6 5-8 3% <1%
12(+0) Fuck Me Until You Love Me 3-6 4-9 1% <1%

Distracted by the Election - Week 8 Recap & Week 9 Rankings

Hey guys - I'm sure y'all are like me and the rest of the country and have been distracted by a Red vs. Blue battle all week. By that, I'm of course referring to Georgia/Florida. But seriously, not much recap from last week. I lost again and lost Kittle in the process. I get to get slapped by Drayer most likely sometime soon. Colby finally scored 150 points and didn't lose. Broullire scored what I believe to be a 2020 season-low of FIFTY THREE POINTS.

Go Dawgs, Go America, Go Tortilla Fight Boiz.
-Commish

Rankings:

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Nine
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0) Premature Venmolation 7-1 10-3 >99% 34%
2(+1) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 5-3 8-5 91% 20%
3(-1) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 5-3 7-6 83% 12%
4(+1) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 5-3 7-6 77% 10%
5(-1) Cancel 2020 5-3 7-6 74% 6%
6(+0) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 4-4 7-6 55% 6%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+1) COVID Jesus 3-5 6-7 48% 7%
8(+1) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 3-5 5-8 26% 3%
9(-2) Marginal Fucks Given 3-5 5-8 22% 2%
10(+1) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 3-5 5-8 10% <1%
11(-1) mike lil pp 2-6 5-8 9% <1%
12(+0) Fuck Me Until You Love Me 3-5 5-8 6% <1%

Damnit Collin... AGAIN - Week 7 Recap & Week 8 Rankings

If Losing to Collin in Fantasy were in and of itself a sport, I'd take gold. Thankfully, there were no waffles on the line this time, just my pride and a shot at being tied with Drayer. NUTS! For those of you who didn't stay up on Sunday commiserating with Brooks, Mike, and myself, I LITERALLY needed a 20 yard touchdown catch from DK Metcalf to put me ahead. What did he give me in Overtime? Exactly. Fucking. That. HOWEVER, his fucking teammate held a defender, so no dice. Had last year's Kim Bowl gone this way, I would've written that teammate's name on every goddamn waffle I had to eat. That was miserable.

Elsewhere in the league, The Last of the Stephicans acquired his ultimate scalp by taking down Drayer. Mike and Wes slapped each other with their dicks for a little while until Wes finally emerged victorious. (Kim Bowl preview?) Broullire laid WASTE to Colby. Seems to be a recurring theme for our longhaired one. Can Wes pull it off this week? Should he do that, There's a strong chance he'll be above the red line when I write next week's post. Colby, this whole losing thing has been fun and provided us all with a whole lot of enjoyment, but I don't know that we could deal with Formula Bitch Boy making the playoffs. Put him back in his rightful spot, please.

Coming up this week, Collin gets a shot at the #1 team after already taking out #2, can he pull off the doubleheader? Stephagawea (Stephahontas? one of those.) takes aim at a fully erect and raging Brooks (get it? he's a penis.) Neil catches me in midst of bye week hell and may even get CMC back tomorrow. (Cool cool cool cool cool.) Ben & Broullire have what looks like a competitive matchup. Aaaanddd the aforementioned Colby/Wes showdown that has the looks of being this week's Dick Slappin' Special. Jim and Mike also play.

It was pointed out in the group chat, but Colby and Jim have the 3rd & 4th most Points For, and yet are 10th and 12th, respectively. I don't have a lot of jokes on that, I just thought it was goddamn hilarious.

Dawgs get the Cats on Spooky Saturday. Let's show up, do our job, and get home. Hoping to see The Mailman back to his usual self, and maybe the emergence of Kendall Milton? Let's Fucking Go.

Go Dawgs, Go Tortilla Fight Boiz, Go America.
-The Commish

PS - typing "Go America" right then just made me realize that there's a chance we have a new President-elect by the time I write next week's post. There's also a chance that regardless of who wins, people will be burning shit down. So, assuming we aren't already in a postapocalyptic wasteland by next Wed, you'll get my LM Note on time!

Onto the rankings!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Four
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0) Premature Venmolation 6-1 10-3 >99% 32%
2(+0) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 5-2 8-5 92% 18%
3(+1) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 4-3 7-6 82% 15%
4(-1) Cancel 2020 4-3 7-6 1% 8%
5(+3) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 4-3 7-6 66% 8%
6(+0) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 4-3 7-6 62% 7%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+3) Marginal Fucks Given 3-4 6-7 36% 3%
8(-3) COVID Jesus 2-5 5-8 31% 4%
9(-2) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 2-5 5-8 22% 2%
10(+1) mike lil pp 2-5 5-8 16% 1%
11(-2) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 3-4 5-8 13% <1%
12(+0) Fuck Me Until You Love Me 3-4 5-8 11% <1%

The Cheese No Longer Stands Alone - Week 6 Recap & Week 7 Rankings

Don't call it a comeback, Wes has been here for years. Mr. Robertson is staring in the face of a two-game winning streak, with a (sorry Mike) seemingly-beatable 3-Cup PTSD standing in his way. Get a win here, and he could be looking at mid-standings territory. I'll say it now, if Cheese makes the playoffs after the way he drafted and began this season, I will officially give SO MUCH SHIT to everyone who doesn't. Come on guys, get it together.

Dawgs lost, Braves lost, Falcons got further from a meaningful draft pick. Wes is "surging," Drayer remains undefeated despite a rousing effort from Judge Harbin. Quite the disappointing sports weekend all the way around. I know we're all sick of hearing this around these parts, but brighter days are indeed ahead. Dawgs will get another shot at Bama. Braves have an amazingly young team. Wes is still Wes. Let's all take this CFB bye week to recoup and come next week, Optimism Jeff will be back in action ready to help y'all drown those Wildcats. Onto the recaps and rankings!

Jim v. Jeff - 111.7 - 111.96 - - Wooooooooooow. a couple more yards from Amari Cooper and I would've been screwed. This one got way too damn close by the end of Sunday, but thankful it provided some solid entertainment in an otherwise shitshow of a game.

Stephen v. Collin - 85.91 - 82.41 - - Stephen, welcome back to the win column. Insane that this close win over Collin vaulted you to 4th in the league, but that's what happens when we've got the amount of parity we have. On Collin's side, I haven't seen NEARLY as much shit tossed his way as we typically toss toward Wes/Mike/Broullire. Guys, Collin now has sole possession of the cellar. Surely we can get some shittalking going in the chat.

Wes v. Neil - 113.9 - 71.5 - - Woof. Sub-80 weeks are fairly rare but nevertheless entirely painful, and to have it happen against Wes of all people. That has to sting, Butters. Y'all, Wes had the 3rd-highest score last week. Play some defense, Neil!

Broullire v. Mike - 116.3 - 90.1 - - SPEAKING of cellar-dwellers showing up and showing out, damn Broullire! The man who showered with Collin DESPERATELY wanted to get out of the cellar with him, and did so at the expense of Mike. Was it a flash in the pan or can he maintain?

Ben v. Drayer - 85.15 - 99.85 - - Ah, the one that got away. This is now Drayer's second close call. But, as the DGD Stetson Bennett IV says, good teams win but great teams cover. After all the gnashing of teeth throughout the weekend, Drayer still managed to cover his original line and beat #2 Ben by 14.7.

Colby v. Brooks - 102.78 - 149.18 - - Well this one sure seemed like it was going in a different direction! That was before Derrick Henry said "fuck that" and had himself a day. Then Kenyan Drake jumped up and said "Derrick's not the only one who gains energy whenever Bama destroys souls!" and had himself a day as well. Well, the Dawgs' losses were Brooks' gains as he roundly Colbied Colby right out of the projected playoff.

--
Coming up this week, Wes and Broullire get to try and continue their ascension against Mike & Colby, respectively. Collin gets to try and work his way out of the cellar against my team (God, please, no,) Brooks gets to test himself against a self-proclaimed paper tiger in Ben, Neil will try and rebound against a pissed-off Jim, and Drayer gets to beat up on his biffle Stephen.

Rest up, enjoy the bye week, pray for JT Daniel's leg, avoid waffles, and go Tortilla Fight Boiz!
-Commish

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Four
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0) Premature Venmolation 6-0 10-3 >99% 32%
2(+0) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 5-1 9-4 97% 24%
3(+0) Hope n' Hopf GA Guvnah 2030 4-2 8-5 76% 8%
4(+2) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 3-3 7-6 72% 11%
5(+0) COVID Jesus 2-4 6-7 52% 7%
6(+1) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 3-3 6-7 44% 4%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-3) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 2-4 6-7 39% 4%
8(+0) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 3-3 6-7 37% 3%
9(+2) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 3-3 6-7 37% 3%
10(-1) Marginal Fucks Given 2-4 5-8 26% 2%
11(-1) mike lil pp 1-5 4-9 11% <1%
12(+0) I Am Wesley Snipes 2-4 4-9 9% <1%

Drayer's Brush With Certain Doom - Week 4 Recap & Week 5 Rankings

So, I was looking over the stats of our league the other day, and I really wanted to compare the margins between Points For and Points Against for our teams. Some interesting things cropped up, especially at the bottom of our table. First, Wes' negative margin is absolutely off the charts bad. Like, historically. Not only is he definitively scoring the least, but everybody else is just straight up TEEING OFF against him. I don't know why we all decided to make the worst team our punching bag, but it's an unspoken agreement that we've all met. Wes' Points Against is 574.74. That is as if he played Drayer every single week of the year AND THEN SOME. (Drayer's Points For is 552.83.) Fun for him? He's got yet another matchup w/ Drayer later on in his schedule.

All of that being said though, you want to know what the difference is between 0-4 and 2-2? Brooks has only scored 50 points more than Wes so far (avg. 98.56/game vs. 86.15/game), but folks have scored 100 points less against him. (avg. 118.59/game vs. 143.94/game!!!) That last stat is insane. 143 points would be most of our best week ever (Drayer aside,) but Wes has had to face that every single week. Don't get me wrong his team is hot garbage player-wise, but there's also very little he can do. Work your appetite up, big Cheese. WaHo's calling.

What about the difference in 1-3 and 3-1? Ben has scored an average of 107.39/game. Broullire has scored an average of 117.13/game. Yet Ben sits at #2 in the league while Broullire's down at #10. The difference? Ben's opponents have scored an average of 98.38 and Broullire's have scored an average of 111.74. That's it. I tell y'all what it's a silly game all about the margins where the ball bounces funny sometimes.

Speaking of... Damnit Mike!! You had a chance at glory! Drayer was weak, limping to his lowest point total by far, but like Bo Nix, you crumbled under the bright lights. I'll cover that matchup more below... but damnnnn I don't know that we'll get a better chance for Drayer to get his first loss!

Other than all of that, Dawgs won, Tortilla Fight Boiz won, Braves won, even Atlanta United won. The Falcons are dead to me until DQ's been DQ'ed from the rest of his Falcons career. It was a good weekend!

Onto the games:

Wesley v. Jeff - 79.9 - 146.81 - - Damn Drayer, you're right. 140 points feels good. I was more than happy to take the Edgar Memorial Award away from Drayer for at least one week, and unfortunately it had to come against the man who tried to nurse Edgar back to health, Mr. Robertson himself. Damn Wes... I can't believe Chubb went down. Can't wait to see how David Montgomery inevitably rescues you from ending up in the Kim Bowl. Absolutely insane that you've never gotten DFL.

Ben v. Stephen - 119.79 - 74.43 - - Ben just cannot stop winning. I think it's all time we rise and recognize the (dis)Honorable Judge Harbin as he slides into 2nd place by virtue of his head to head over me. Stephen on the other hand is on a bit of a slide after starting so hot. He may have to wait a week to right the ship though as he gets the Tortilla Fight Boiz up next!

Broullire v. Jim - 83.93 - 121.27 - - Broullire was bold and decided to forgo the option of picking up replacements for his dual Steeler backfield, and instead rolled with AE and AP. Those 20 points from Murray on the bench would've come in handy I think... Jim turned in another solid team effort, with almost all of his players logging double-digit days.

Colby v. Collin - 130.7 - 126.97 - - Colby didn't get screwed! For once! (Louisville coke van shenanigans aside.) It took Davante's last min. sit and Julio's quiet night, but damnit the COVID Jesus rose again.

Brooks v. Neil - 101.78 - 127.49 - - One of my favorite "rivalries" (aka, the biggest fucking headache of the 2018 year when Neil was threatening to leave,) this has to be Neil's signature win so far. Mike Davis did his best CMC impression and there was a Chark Attack in Jax. Brooks was looking pretty smart for vulturing Mixon out of the wasteland of Wes' team as he took off for about 40 points, but lucky for Neil Kenyan Drake shat the bed. Best hope those Titans can play this week, big Brooksie.

Mike v. Drayer - 84.69 - 96.15 - - Mike, it's absolutely crazy to think that if a couple of extra touchdowns went your way, your squad of wounded warriors might be sitting at 3-1 with the biggest upset of the year under their belts. So strange that the two-headed monster of Jerick McKinnon and Jeff Wilson Jr. didn't somehow take ya to the promised land... Alas, you emerge the absolute enigma of the league sitting at 2-2 yet predicted in the Kim Bowl by most if not all predictions. Carry on, you Enigma of the Oltman Mystical, you.

Coming up this week, we'll all be waiting to see if we'll need another Safe Drop for the Titans/Bills game. Let's hope not, because these COVID reports are realllllly starting to get us closer and closer to a league cancellation. I know Wes and Mike would sigh in relief, but most of the rest of us are in contention. Mike, you had Drayer last week, this week you get Brooks. Wouldn't it be nice for Brooks to no longer be able to talk shit about your team in the group chat? You know what to do. Jim... This entire post next week will be making fun of you if you lose to Wes. Just saying.

Okay, that's about all I've got. Tennessee's comin' down from the hills looking for an ass-whoopin'. Excited to see our LBs feast on Guarantano the way they did Maurer last year.
GO DAWGS, GO TORTILLA FIGHT BOIZ, GO AMERICA!
-The Commish

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Four
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0) Premature Venmolation 4-0 9-4 95% 26%
2(+2) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 3-1 8-5 83% 17%
3(+0) Hope n' Hopf GA Guvnah 2030 3-1 8-5 73% 9%
4(+2) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 2-2 7-6 67% 12%
5(+0) COVID Jesus 2-2 7-6 66% 11%
6(-4) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 2-2 7-6 61% 9%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 2-2 7-6 50% 7%
8(+3) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 2-2 6-7 38% 3%
9(-1) Marginal Fucks Given 1-3 5-8 22% 2%
10(-1) mike lil pp 1-3 5-8 22% 2%
11(+0) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 2-2 5-8 21% 1%
12(+0) I Am Wesley Snipes 0-4 3-10 1% <1%

Ben's Feelin' Himself and Mike's Somehow Drinking Rum - Week 3 Recap & Week 4 Rankings

What a week what a week. My fantasy team did it's best impression of the first half of the Dawgs game, only we never put The Mailman in and redeemed ourselves. Also, I have officially set next Friday, 10/9, as my Waffle Day. I know it's now the third date I've selected since getting DFL last year, but these are strange times. I've researched competitive eating strategies, I'm already charging all my devices, it should be a good time. I do think, though, that we need to up the punishment for failing to do the waffles though. I'd be lying if I hadn't thought about just paying the $150 into the pool and being done with it. But despite being a LOT of things, I ain't a quitter. I'm a Waffle Bitch.

Onto the Week 3 games:

Jeff v. Ben - 85.74 - 87.74 - - Okay Ben, you beat me. In a battle of who could score less, I came up juuust short. We had the lowest combined point total by far and all I needed was one of Lamar's near INTs to fall into the Chiefs' hands and we'd be singing a different tune. But let's pump the breaks on all the double waffles talk, shall we? I will pay my syrupy debt in a week and a half, but most likely, yours is yet to come due. I'll keep the seat warm at the WaHo.

Collin v. Mike - 90.85 - 109.08 - - Speaking of people who have a high chance of downing some of Belgium's finest, Michael Elliott. CONGRATULATIONS! That's gonna be the sweetest rum you've ever tasted. Pro tip: I found this really great recipe for a buttered rum syrup drizzle you could bring with you to Waffle House in December:
https://www.food.com/recipe/tropical-hot-buttered-rum-sauce-for-drizzling-380914
You're welcome.

Wes v. Broullire - 98.78 - 173.07 - - You guys want to see a dead body? Jesus, Broullire. I'm sure as shit glad you saved this for your Wes Bye and didn't explode last week. On a week where three other guys had scores that usually would've won them the Edgar the Epileptic Squirrel Memorial Excellence Award (name still being workshopped,) you blew them all away. But then again, you've always been good at blowing other guys .... away ... haven't you.

Stephen v. Colby - 90.09 - 151.28 - - Ah Stephen, it had to happen at some point, right? Losing to Colby is kinda a hazing ritual around here, so welcome to the league, I guess? I only wish you had scored 80.08 instead of 90.09 because that spells BOOB and ... aren't boobs awesome?

Jim v. Brooks - 151.28 - 85.91 - - Speaking of boobs, Jim and Brooks. Jim licks stripper titties and Brooks is just a boob himself. This game got out of hand fairly quickly, with all of Jim's players being steady contributors and Brooks primarily riding on the back of Derrick Henry. Sure would be a shame if his whole team were to have a COVID outbreak. That'd really suck for a team that rides on his back I'd think. Man, what a bummer that'd be.

Neil v. Drayer - 103.75 - 145.03 - - What's the opposite of a Wes Bye? A Drayer Buzzsaw? A Matty D Devastation? Not quite sure, but Neil certainly ran into it this week. Drayer emerges as the last remaining unbeaten, and has not scored under 145 points within a week yet. Oh, will he be affected by the Titans outbreak? Maybe score fewer points this week? Nope, all he has is the Steelers D. Our only Hope is that he pulls a Hopf and churns his way through the regular season only to have a massive collapse in the playoffs. Hey, 2020's pretty weird, right?

Coming up this week:
I get a huge matchup, massive game, big struggle against Wes (don't call it a wes bye, don't call it a wes bye,) Ben gets to try and keep his winnin' ways a' rollin against a surprisingly vulnerable-looking Stevie (depending on what happens with JuJu,) Something's Gotta Give in the matchup between surprising Week 3 stars, Broullire & Jim, COVID Jesus looks to exorcise mike's lil pp (God the jokes are so good with these names,) Brooks and Neil face off in the Battle of "Man I Really Thought They Might Throw Some Fists a Couple Years Ago But Now They're Friends?" and finally Mike gets his Matty D's Devastation week. Dude, shock the world, Mike. Shock the world.

That's it for this week, chaps. The Dawgs get the Wartiglesmen this weekend. Let's show those fuckers why they didn't get into Georgia in the first place. I know the saying is that if you have more than one quarterback, you have zero, but I disagree wholeheartedly. I want to see a new quarterback EVERY SINGLE DRIVE. Keep those fuckers guessing. Oh, you thought it was bad that D'wan just torched you for a 35yd TD? Well here's JT slingin' the rock down to Pickens. Thought that was all we had? Here's Stetson calmly handing the ball off to Zeus. Now you've got all the Dawg fans pullin' their best Trumpian impression saying "Please sir, please, Kirby, we can't take all this winning!" and what's that coming down the track? It's MFing Carson Beck here to sweep up all the dead Auburn bodies. He'll be known as Carson "The Closer" Beck after this one, fellas.
And that, my friends, is how Optimism Jeff gets through his day to day.

Go Dawgs, Go Tortilla Fight Boiz, Go America,
-The Commish

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Four
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. This will change every week (mostly.) NEW this week, odds of becoming Champion!

1(+0) Premature Venmolation 3-0 9-4 97% 32%
2(+1) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 2-1 8-5 85% 14%
3(+2) Hope n' Hopf GA Guvnah 2030 2-1 8-5 78% 10%
4(-2) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 2-1 8-5 77% 13%
5(+2) COVID Jesus 1-2 7-6 68% 12%
6(+0) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 1-2 7-6 66% 9%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-3) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 2-1 7-6 59% 6%
8(+2) Marginal Fucks Given 1-2 6-7 36% 3%
9(-1) mike lil pp 1-2 5-8 16% 1%
10(+1) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 2-1 5-8 8% <1%
11(-2) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 1-2 5-8 7% <1%
12(+0) I Am Wesley Snipes 0-3 4-9 2% <1%

F1 power rankings: Lewis Hamilton remains clear of the chasing pack as Sergio Perez and Sebastian Vettel drop

The first of two races at Silverstone brought late drama that nearly scuppered Lewis Hamilton’s hopes of winning a seventh British Grand Prix, with the current championship leader limping home to record his third victory of the 2020 season.

Apart from an opening weekend blip, Hamilton has been in imperious form this season and looks destined to claim a seventh world championship this year, with the Mercedes driver now 30 points clear at the top of the table with just four races completed.

Max Verstappen made the most of Valtteri Bottas’s late troubles to move take another second place finish - a second in a row - that also moves him cling onto the Finn in the drivers’ championship, but his Red Bull teammate Alex Albon endured yet another tricky weekend after a crash in Friday practice led to a disappointing qualifying session and a tough Sunday afternoon following contact with Kevin Magnussen.

Sunday also saw Daniil Kvyat’s promising early race pace ended dramatically in a high-speed off at Maggots, while Carlos Sainz saw what looked like a strong race result unravel as one of the three victims of late tyre delaminations that dropped him out of the points completely.

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lol totally just kidding, I just wanted to talk about Formula One now that Wes isn't allowed to.

Mike Lil PP? More Like Mike's Bum Knees - Week 2 Recap & Week 3 Rankings

Wowwww - What a week. I knew that they filmed The Walking Dead in Atlanta, I just didn't know that it was starring Mike's team. The injury bug hit BIG TIME, and the wacky week had us watching scores all the way until midnight on Monday. Let's get into the review:

Broullire v. Jeff - 124.49 - 129.84 - - This one was a thriller all day on Sunday, and if Russell Wilson had looked Lockett's way on his last touchdown instead of Carson, I'd be singing a very different tune right now. BUT HE DIDN'T! Broullire slides to 0-2 and I climb to 2-0 and get 5 points closer to a bottle of Jacksonville's finest bourbon. (??)

Colby v. Ben - 128.67 - 128.91 - - TWO AND A HALF YARDS. Josh Jacobs literally needed to fall forwards in order to push Colby above Benjamin in this one. As it stands though, Colby has the distinct pleasure of being 3rd in Points For while 9th in the standings, but will always be 1st to contract new diseases.

Brooks v. Wes - 109.48 - 108.3 - - Man, another matchup with something on the line and another nailbiter that had us enthralled until Sunday night. The First (and probably only) Inaugural Formula One Cup came down to one last catch from Julian Edelman. There are a lot of things I am not thankful for Julian Edelman for (read: Super Bowl 2017) but putting an end to Formula One is one of them. Let's take a step back and be honest for a second though, I bet anything that once Trump wins reelection and sports get shut back down again, we'll all start watching Formula One and become huge fans. Were that to happen, I actually think Wes' punishment of not being able to join in the conversation would be even worse. So... new idea?

Mike v. Stephen - 73.86 - 108.82 - - Mike, what is there to say that has not already been said? Honestly at this point, I just hate it for you. Maybe you'll catch lightning in a bottle with some savvy waiver moves - - not impossible. Otherwise I'll be sure to write down tips and tricks to chugging waffles that I can share with you at the end of the year. Stephen, your new nickname is the Last of the Mohicans because motherfucker's out here collectin' scalps.

Drayer v. Jim - 166.27 - 125.66 - - Another day, another ungodly amount of points scored by Matt Drayer. Not much to say other than I'm not seeing a lot of weaknesses on his team. I'm just hoping his players all get Covid before Week 9... Jim on the otherhand is a sneaky bastard. He's over there pulling a Colby by being 4th in Points For but 10th in the standings. Let's see if things can start swinging his way soon.

Neil v. Collin - 113.28 - 102.13 - - Ahh, the booty shorts / lil pp matchup. I know I made that joke last week but it was too good to not repeat. Neil's team is back to claiming their birthright as the #1 overall drafted team by getting a notch in the W column, however losing CMC for 4-6 weeks is roughhh. He seems like a fighter tho, I bet he's back in 3-4. Collin's high scorers were his TE and his defense, so yeah, back to the said wackiness of the week.


Coming up this week, we've got some good matchups even if nothing is on the line for them. Intriguing matchups include Colby and Stephen - can Colby live up to his points? Does Stephen claim another scalp? Brooks and Jim - One of these teams is losing despite scoring a bunch of points, the other is winning despite being TENTH in points for. Does Brooks' luck run out? Oh who am I kidding we all know that never happens. Mike and Collin - Mike penciled this week in in the preseason to get revenge for Collin's pp joke, but can he even field a full roster? Time shall tell.

That's it for this week! Go Dawgs on SATURDAY!!
-Commish

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Two
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+0) Premature Venmolation 2-0 9-4 95%
2(+0) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 2-0 8-5 91%
3(+1) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 2-0 8-5 90%
4(+5) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 2-0 7-6 70%
5(+5) Hope n' Hopf GA Guvnah 2030 1-1 7-6 65%
6(+2) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 0-2 6-7 55%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-1) COVID Jesus 0-2 6-7 49%
8(-3) mike lil pp 1-1 6-7 34%
9(-2) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 1-1 5-8 16%
10(+1) Marginal Fucks Given 0-2 5-8 14%
11(-8) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 1-1 5-8 12%
12(+0) Why No Formula Fuck 0-2 5-8 9%

Optimistic Jeff is Crashin' In like One of Wes' Shitty Formula 1 Drivers - Week 1 Recap & Week 2 Rankings

What is this feeling? Is this what Mike, Drayer, Brooks, etc. feel every year? For once, I'm not the one scrambling to fill an injury-riddled lineup, or spending OVER THREE QUARTERS OF MY SEASON FAAB BALANCE after Week One. I know, I know, Jeff Optimism cometh before a massive fall and I'm sure my team will be lain waste by The Broullire Juggernauts this week. But for now, for at least one more day, I am going to savor this feeling. It'll keep me warm when I'm eventually spending 48 hours in a waffle house.

Around the league, we had multiple tough battles last week that kept us up late on Monday like the degenerates that we all are. Here's a recap of the week 1 matchups:

Jeff v. Colby - 138.27 - 131.01 - - What's that you said? "A seven point victory over COVID Jesus isn't worth all this bullshit overconfidence, Commish?" Fuck that. I'll take 2nd place in points all day. Colby's team is one to watch though. I for one, did not expect Josh Jacobs to explode for 34 points right out of the gate.

Broullire v. Brooks - 87 - 97.05 - - Oh man, this one was a nailbiter for most of the weekend. Up until James Conner and Evan Engram did their best "Thielen/Miller" impression and totally shat the bed for Broullire and Derrick Henry did justtttt enough to pull Brooks through.

Collin v. Mike - 93.13 - 104.68 - - This one was never in much doubt after the first few games, however with a lil over 20pt combined 3 ways, Mike has to be worried a bit about his RB corp. I suppose he's saying "Thank God for Adam Thielen." which is some shit you'll never hear from me.

Wes v. Drayer - 57.63 - 145.38 - - Well, well, well, have yourself a day Mr. Drayer. And.. do whatever is the opposite of that, Wesley. Wow. This was ALMOST the third time someone has been tripled up on. We've come close, but best I can tell, only Jim has been tripled, and it happened twice in 2017. Oh well Wes, there's still time this season!!

Stephen v. Neil - 131.35 - 99.2 - - In what was the most surprising result of the week, The Team Formerly Owned by Adam came out of nowhere and put an extra 32 points on one of the post-draft frontrunners. These teams will be interesting to watch. Can McCaffrey and Mahomes carry Big Neil? Will Ingram wake up? Time will tell.

Jim v. Collin - 116.17 - 120.29 - - Ah, the truck battle of who's got the smaller wiener. Weirdly, apparently Mike does, as mike lil pp came out victorious. Oddly, it's one of the "named after his sons" players that dropped the ball for Jim, as Cooper Kupp failed to live up to his ADP in Week 1. CEH will be fun to watch this season though, so I'm predicting a bounceback.

Coming up this week, we've got the much anticipated Formula One Bowl. Will Wes be forced to cease all F1 chatter in the text group? Will he start a second text group specifically for F1 talk and invite us all against our wills? Or will he shock the world and force Brooks into a weekend of mediocre television streaming? Will Brooks become a Ferrari fan, or whatever the fuck they cheer for in that sport? Time shall tell.

We also have Leg 1 of the two-part Bourbon Bowl. Broullire, I prefer wheated bourbons.

Other intriguing matchups - - Ben vs. Colby. Was Colby's week 1 showing a fluke? Can Ben get a solid win under his belt? Mike vs. Stephen. Same thing, can Stephen continue shocking the world against another post-draft favorite? Mike's team is limping into this one, can he pull it together? Neil vs. Collin. The battle between mike's lil pp and ben's booty shorts. Words I never expected to type.

That's it for this week, fellas. Next week we get the DAWGS!!
-Commish

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Two
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. This will change every week (mostly.)

1(+2) Premature Venmolation 1-0 8-5 83%
2(+3) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 1-0 8-5 81%
3(-2) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 1-0 8-5 77%
4(+3) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 1-0 7-6 62%
5(+3) mike lil pp 1-0 7-6 59%
6(-4) COVID Jesus 0-1 7-6 55%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-4) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 0-1 6-7 47%
8(+1) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 0-1 6-7 39%
9(+3) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 1-0 6-7 36%
10(+1) Hope n' Hopf GA Guvnah 2030 0-1 6-7 27%
11(-5) Marginal Fucks Given 0-1 5-8 20%
12(-2) Brook's Ass Formula 0-1 5-8 12%

It's 2020 So Clearly Ben's Gonna Win It All - Post-Draft, Week 1 Rankings

Hey all you cool cats and kittens out there, it's your favorite Commish and I'm recycling pop culture references from the very beginning of quarantine. Remember those days? When bingewatching bullshit on Netflix and running out of toilet paper seemed like odd novelties of an otherwise normal year, and not our new and neverending existence? Good times, man.

Here we're sitting, two days out from the NFL season debut, and we still have no idea whether the season will be 6 weeks long or take us all the way to February. I do know one thing, that shower picture of Collin and Broullire is going to keep me laughing my ass off way longer than this NFL season, regardless of its length.

Draft weekend was a huge success. Sorry we missed you Wes and Stephen. At least Stephen had a good excuse of "dude i wasn't in this league 12 hours ago" for missing it. Wesley, you're on notice for next year. Start planning now. Maybe if you're there in person you won't draft the Buc's backup RB in the third round. Or seven WRs. ;)

As you all know, due to how wildly successful they made my team last year, I renewed my subscription to FantasyPros for this season. I will be using their League Analyzer tool to provide the weekly power rankings and playoff chances throughout the season (below.) But before we do that I wanted to first take a look at how things broke down during the draft. I'll also rank y'alls names.

Based on FantasyPro's Expert Consensus Rankings at the time of the draft, here is how everybody shook out:
1) The Tortilla Fight Boiz - Jeff Ostenson - - obviously I like my team name as I created it, (like Drayer's team names in most years too,) but I only hope my fantasy players fight with as much fervor as you drunk tortilla assholes did on that last night. Of note, FantasyPros was ALSO very high on my Jameis Winston, OJ Howard, David Montgomery team last year... so this is clearly bullshit.
2) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts - Neil Bramblett - - Butters recently changed this from "Ben" to "BTK" and I love it. The only thing creepier than Ben's mustache is Wes walking into Sandbar back in the day.
3) Collin, Who Hurt You? - Mike Elliott - - Mike swooping in here with a damn good question. Who did hurt you, Collin? The answer to that question would explain a lot.
4) Premature Venmolation - Matt Drayer - - So I may not have written this team name, but I sure as hell inspired it. Looking back on it, I almost wish I hadn't explained anything to Adam and had just slid his money back to him and added Stephen to the group chat. Curious how long it would've taken him to catch on.
5) COVID Jesus - Colby Grant - - So, I did write this title. Seeing him walking on the sand bars outside our draft house like he was actually walking on water was somewhat of a religious experience, I must say. That, and his sun salutations he did each morning on the algae-covered "beach."
6) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in - Brooks Sawyer - - What I love is taking what was a very small conversation on the draft and crafting it into your team name. What I love even more is that most of the time when I'm in the fantasy app, it shortens Brooks' team name to just "Aggressive Ass Wipe" which... tbh... fits.
7) How to Satisfy My Wife - Wes Robertson - - How his ranking is in the single digits is beyond me. I suppose when these draft rankings were made, Leonard Fournette was still the top dawg in Jacksonville (sorry Broullire.)
8) Marginal Fucks Given - Matt Broullire - - I think I may have missed the original conversation that sparked this phrase, but I did hear everyone saying it the rest of the weekend. Solid draft reference here.
9) mike lil pp - Collin Hopf - - Who could've guessed that Collin fucking Hopf would have the joke of the weekend? Such a little little joke (just like mike's lil pp) but so impactful.
10) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires - Jim Martin - - This change just happened a couple hours ago, and it's a solid one. Nothing says country music or cousin-lovin like two dudes fighting about the rims on their pickup trucks. Carry on, fellas.
11) Hope n' Hopf GA Guvnah 2030 - Ben Harbin - - Another recent change that I like. It's a bit of a mouthful (unlike mike's lil pp) but he'd get my vote in ten years, that's for sure.
12) My Name's Not Adam Schifter - Stephen Robison - - Somehow ranked below a guy that drafted both Sony Michel and Mohamed Sanu, Stephen enters into his first year placed at the bottom. Also, I created this team name, and while accurate and IMO solid, you should change it Stephen.

Happy Week One everybody! And may the odds be ever in your favor (except you, Colby. Fuck you.)
-Commish

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week One
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. This will change every week (mostly.)


1 Collin, Who Hurt You? 8-5 74%
2 COVID Jesus 7-6 68%
3 Premature Venmolation 7-6 65%
4 Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 7-6 64%
5 The Tortilla Fight Boiz 7-6 61%
6 Marginal Fucks Given 7-6 56%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7 Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 7-6 54%
8 mike lil pp 6-7 41%
9 Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 6-7 37%
10 How to Satisfy My Wife 6-7 32%
11 Hope n' Hopf GA Guvnah 2030 5-8 24%
12 My Name's Not Adam Schifter 5-8 23%