[Week 14] Lol Sorry Bout That, Guys
Every time I look back on old LM Notes (conveniently located at www.mikelilpp.com,) I always tell myself “self, you’re not going to skip any weeks this year, even once you start losing.” Then I go on to have a few shorties, a few late, and just full on skip weeks 12 and 13 entirely. I never know how much y’all appreciate these notes until we go a day (or week, or weeks) without one and voice your displeasure. Damn, I’m just glad somebody’s out there reading my bullshit. Anyways, a week at the beach with the in-laws for thanksgiving prevented Week 12, and Kat’s last week of maternity / prepping for me to go back ON paternity prevented Week 13, but WE’RE BACK BITCHES.
It’s Week 14 gentlemen and Wes. Decision Week, as it were, and there are loads of scenarios still up in the air. We will get to those and what to expect next week in a second, but first let’s review what happened this past week.
I managed to squeak past Jimbo, mainly due to injuries to Lamar and Hayden Hurst. It didn’t hurt that Derrick Henry had a shit day, too. There wasn’t really a true Dickslapfest this week, but if there had been one it probably would’ve been Colby eventually having his way with Collin on a day where Collin’s best player was pretty much Youngho Koo. If not that one, then I’d have to pick Mike skullfucking Wes despite having a pretty weak week himself. Wes earned himself a nice lil JMHM in the process. MB also had a nicely surprising win against Brooks, Drayer took care of business against Neil, locking him in the cellar and into a loser’s bye, and Ben just absolutely dragged Stephen, leading to his 5th epileptic squirrel of the season.
This was Ben’s second consecutive beatdown (largest win margin,) and Ben is 6-0 in those matchups this year. This was also Ben’s 11th week in the top half of the league in scoring, whereas Neil has been in the top half only once this year. Neil’s getting close to a historical mark, depending on how Week 14 goes. Only twice in history has a team gone only one week in the top half of scoring (Mike in 2017, Colby in 2016,) so Sgt. Butters is keeping elite company!
Now looking ahead to Decision Week - -
Collin and I are both on the playoff bubble, so what better time for us to face each other? Nothing bad has EVER happened to me whilst facing Collin. Certainly not flashing back to the 2019 Waffle Bowl or anything. Thankfully I’m not counting on Adam Thielen this week. Unfortunately, Aaron Jones and Christian Watson are on bye so I AM counting on Diontae Johnson lol. Collin beats me this week, and complicates the bottom of the playoff bracket in doing so. Speaking of bubbles, Jim and Drayer also match up. Drayer wins, but if Jim pulls the upset it’ll further complicate things. MB also has a chance at the playoff, but to do so he’s got to beat Colby. Unfortunately for the man from America’s wang, I think Colby pulls it out. In a tale of two seasons, Ben takes on Neil. There’s nothing on the line here as both teams have locked up their respective ends of the table and respective byes accordingly, but wouldn’t it be funny for Neil to pull this one out? Unfortunately like Jim, he just can’t pull it out. Ben wins and heads into the playoff as a total juggernaut. Brooks has a chance at the second winner’s bye, but he’s gotta get past Wes first and like I always say, only cool kids lose to Wes. Brooks must not be a cool kid though, because he ain’t losing to cheesy wonder. Unfortunately though Brooks also needs Mike to lose to Da Pirate, which just ain’t happening this week. Mike wins and locks down the second winner’s bye.
So just to recap playoff scenarios:
1) Ben already has a winner’s bye
2) Mike’s in a good position for the second, owning the head-to-head win against Brooks. But if he loses to Stephen and Brooks beats Wes, Brooks grabs the second bye.
3) Lil Boy Bramblett’s got a loser’s bye locked down
4) Colby also has his locked down. Even if he beats Broullire and Stephen loses to Mike, Stephen owns the head-to-head against Colby, so Colby owns the second bye.
5) The middle of the table is a clusterfuck, no two ways around it. Drayer and I are currently in, but there are scenarios in which Collin, Broullire, Wes, and Jim all could sneak in. I can’t promise to break down all of the scenarios, but let’s see…
6) If either/both Drayer and I win, we’re in.
7) Collin needs: to beat me, have Drayer lose, and have Broullire lose
8) Broullire needs: to beat Colby, and have me lose by 9 points more than his win margin against Colby
9) Wes needs: a miracle. Seriously, we’re getting deep into Points For margins and stuff, it probably ain’t happening
10) Jim needs: an even bigger miracle than Wes
I’m confident I missed quite a few scenarios, but that’s just from a quick look at things! Lots of possibilities this week. To recap, I think Ben takes his sixth squirrel because honestly, who’s going to stop him at this point? And Stevie Wonder is snagging a Jim Martin, Hollister Model, and if Mikey fucks around enough, that just may be the Dickslapfest Game o’ the Week too. For now though I’m assigning that to me and Collin. Shit always goes down when I tussle with the Baitshacker.
Dawgs are done until NYE, but let’s be honest who knows if I’ll write another note in the interim. Dawgs handle OSU like we handled Tennessee, by knocking Stroud on his ass. Dawgs take it 45-17 and prep for beating Michigan for the B1G Champio— I mean national championship.
Bonus pick — Ole Big Balls ties Garrison Hearst by finishing 3rd in the Heisman voting this Saturday. Brooks and Mike still call for his benching midway through the first quarter against Ohio State. Neil and I continue to verbally fellate him in defense.
That’s all she wrote, folks.
Go Dawgs, Go SadSacs, Go America!
- ‘mish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Fourteen
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+0). It's A Love Story 12-1 13-1 100% 36%
2(+2). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 8-5 9-5 100% 16%
3(-1). Ben Has A Bengina 8-5 9-5 100% 18%
4(+2). Mikey Elliott's SadSac Emporium 7-6 7-7 82% 8%
5(-2). TeamNameWon'tBe OnTrophyAnyway 7-6 7-7 76% 8%
6(-1). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 6-7 7-7 52% 6%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+2). Zach Wilson's Mormon Harem 6-7 6-8 46% 4%
8(-1). Whoop That Trick 6-7 6-8 23% 2%
9(-1). Desparation Name Change 6-7 6-8 22% 2%
10(+0). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 5-8 5-9 <1% <1%
11(+1). Waffle Champ 4-9 5-9 -- 0% 0%
12(-1). Stetson IV Heisman 3-10 3-11 0% 0%
[Week 11] Pour that damn scotch down the drain
**Editor's Note** - - Yeah I try and get these out before TNF and I missed that boat. My B. At least it's not a true shorty though! Also, this coming on Friday allows me to fuckin' gloat about picking up Christian *the goat*
Watson
. 8 catches the past two weeks and 5 of them were TDs? that's some
Gabe Davis
shit (who admittedly I gave up as part of this shake up, lol.) How Neil was the only other person to bid on him, and at $18, blows me away. Enjoy Michael "5.2pt Average"
Gallup
,
Benjamin
. Anyways, onto the post - - -
Ugh. I cannot even begin to tell you how pissed at
AJ Brown
I am. He totally
Thielen
'ed me out of a nice bottle of scotch. What, you can't catch like one more fucking pass? I got so damn lucky when all of
Brooks
' SNF players underperformed, who could have guessed I'd have the same thing happen to me the following night?! As such,
Brooks
and I had yet another closest matchup with him eeking it out.
A win last week would've put my playoff hopes full steam ahead. Instead, I remain the bubbliest of bubble teams just praying to make the cut. Perfect time to lose my TE and panic-trade with Wes for his. *finger-guns*
In theory, I could be starting
Gabe Davis
and
Cole Kmet
, but instead I'm starting
Christian Watson
and TJ Hock. upgrade? severe downgrade? Time shall tell. In previous years I've had a pretty nasty habit of giving the shittiest team in the league a win and lo and behold, The Fightin' Brambletts are rolling into town. Fuck my life. More on that later.
Elsewhere in the league - -
Stephen juuuust about got doubled up by NEIL. Did Neil score high triple digies? nah. Stephen just scored the 7th worst score in league history. lolololololololol. Needless to say, they slapped salamis and Stephen grabbed the JMHM easily. Mike released his raging boner all over Colby (Colby didn't mind) and came in third for the squirrel. Wes handled Jim like the year was 2010 in Room 2 at SigEp. Ben won. and Matthew Motherfuckin' Drayer took my LM Note encouragement from last week seriously and demolished Broullire en route to his second squirrel of the year. Well done, no notes.
Looking at this week:
Honestly, who the fuck knows what's going to happen when Neil and I take the field. I have confidence, but Neil is a sexual deviant who can convince just about anybody he meets to take of their pants and swing meat, so Imma say Neil pulls it out (literally) and he and I get the DSFGotW.
Brooks
plays with his food against Colby. Jim's team is bad. Stephen's team might be worse now. Jim on Top. Collin rebounds against Mike. Wes and Drayer should be a good matchup on paper, but I've got a sneaking suspicion it gets a lil dickslappy. Drayer on top though. Finally the smart bet is not on whether or not Ben wins (he does.) The bet is on whether Broullire (or his boss?) sets his lineup in time and misses on a CGRANT fee. My money is on no, lol.
So, for the projected awards, I believe:
I think
Brooks
reaches his final form and takes the squirrel.
Stephen's was hilarious last week. Neil's always a candidate. But This one is Broullire's all the way this week.
Now THIS is an easy one to pencil Neil's matchup in, you randy man, you. Neil and I duel dongs this week.
Dawgs locked up the East, now the next two weeks are gravy. We'll be looking to keep things as vanilla as possible and keep everyone as healthy as possible. Hopefully our O-Line lets us run the damn ball because that's what Kirby is going to want to do this week and get out of Lexington asap. Look for Daijun to keep looking like RB2, and you know what? Imma say that
Kendall Milton
proves my doubt wrong and has himself a day. Dawgs keep it boring and stay the most underrated #1 team in history, 35-3.
Go Dawgs, Go SadSacs, Go America!
-'misshhhhh
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Eleven
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+0). It's A
Love
Story 9-1 11-3 100% 31%
2(+0). Ben Has A Bengina 7-3 9-5 97% 22%
3(+2). TeamNameWon'tBe OnTrophyAnyway 6-4 8-6 86% 11%
4(+0). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 6-4 8-6 85% 11%
5(-2). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 5-5 7-7 67% 9%
6(+0). Mikey
Elliott
's SadSac Emporium 5-5 7-7 51% 4%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+1). Whoop That Trick 5-5 7-7 50% 6%
8(+1). Desparation Name Change 4-6 6-8 24% 2%
9(+1).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 4-6 6-8 22% 2%
10(-3). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 4-6 6-8 15% <1%
11(+1). Stetson IV Heisman 3-7 5-9 2% <1%
12(-1). Waffle Champ 2-8 4-10 <1% <1%
[Week 10] Suck My Peg Leg, Stephen
Matt Drayer's in 4th place. Let that sink in. I spent WEEKS on here talking mad shit about Drayer's team, and here we are.
It just goes to show you that the fantasy season is long. Drayer went from scoring 59pts in week 1 to 131 in week 9. Let that be a lesson for the rest of you. If you're ever feeling down about your team, you too can refuse every trade ever brought up to you, scour the waiver wire, and luck out when
Justin Fields
finally stops suckin' major ass. It's really that simple.
Speaking of sucking major ass... Neil Bramblett. Mr. Butters got himself pants by Cheesedick this past week, earning himself his second JMHM (tied with the aforementioned Drayer with that stat.) Neil's 809.25 points thru Week 9 are now the lowest total since 2018 when Collin went 798.76 thru the front nine. The biggest difference is that Collin had a score of 36.25 weighing him down as an anchor, whereas Neil's just basically been consistently in the 80's this whole time. I'm sure that like the seadonkey that Wes fucked back in college, Neil would just love to be told "welcome to the 90's, bitch." Ah.. well... nevertheless.
Elsewhere in the league this week...
As mentioned in the subject line, I managed a win against Stephen while possibly losing
Aaron Jones
for awhile, watching
Mostert
lose his starting job, and having
Gabe Davis
shit the bet yet again. Man, Stevie, what the fuck was your team doing?!
Brooks
had byepocalypse & purposefully threw his matchup against mikelilpp this week for strategery or some shit. Yeah, because god forbid you drop
Dalton
fucking
Schultz
. But oh well, it most likely wouldn't have mattered as Mike surged to his second Edgar of the year. Colby drug Ben down into the cellar mud and nearly conquered him, but of course he snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Ben would've retained sole attic position regardless with
Brooks
' loss, but Colby missed out on a chance to leave Neil locked down there by himself like he's Buffalo Bill in a skin suit. IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN. But I digress. This clusterfuck attic/cellar matchup was absolutely the dickslapfest game o' the week and it spawned an honest-to-goodness dick-shaped hurricane. Be safe down there Broullire! Speaking of FloridaMan, he fell flat on his face against Jim and very nearly earned the JMHM had it not been for the aforementioned Neil. Looking at his team brings back all sorts of haunted memories, with it's Adam Thielens and its Taysom Hills. Missin'
Chubb
and
Chase
is gonna sting no matter who's on your team though. Finally, Collin scored in the top half of the league's scoring this week, but Drayer said no fuck you that's mine and knocked him down. Now Collin's tied up with the rest of us bubble team hooligans.
Looking ahead at this week - - -
Brooks
has been building a death star all year long, with long plays like Nuk, crazy trades to net him the 1.01 and 1.02 picks, oh and sitting on
Mahomes
this whole time. Due to injuries and byes, that's netted him losses the past two weeks. LUCKY FOR ME he gets the whole squad back just in time for the Scotch Bowl. Motherfucker.
Brooks
sips the strong stuff for the third year in a row... Stephen and Neil will be a close one but Neil just picked up
Deshaun Watson
which is dangerous for his team and dangerous for the massage parlors of Birmingham, AL. The curse is real, and Stephen keeps him in the basement. FantasyPros just can't quit Colby, which has his team ranked playoff-caliber for the rest of the season and has him beating Mike. I just can't fucking do it. MikeAboveAveragePeen shows FPros who's boss. Woof. Jim/Wes is going to be bad. It's gonna be real bad. IMO it's a lock for the DSFGOTW and my lord if Jim doesn't get the JMHM I'll be a monkey's uncle. Wes somehow on top of the world's worst tickle fight. Ben literally individually texts me gloats, trash talks, legitimate commentary on the league. This week he gloated about officially being a playoff lock. I still want a unified group chat, so I do not pass any of these on. But who am I to argue with the man who's won 8 in a row? I've got no reason to start doubting him now, and meanwhile Collin may be without
Josh Allen
. Ben wins big and we all come to grips with the fact that this is one of the best regular seasons since Collin's 13-0 back in the day (we all know how that ended tho...) Finally, Drayer's on a roll and continuing his charge from probable-cellar-dweller to legitimate playoff contender. I ain't standing in his way, and neither is Broullire this week. Like Hurricane Nicole, Drayer blows right over Jacksonville this week.
So, for the projected awards, I believe:
Ben becomes the first person with three squirrels, although Drayer(!) pushes hard for his second.
This is probably the loser of Wes/Jim, who I believe to be Jim, but ngl Broullire could challenge here.
Yeah no doubt in my mind that Wes and Jim are swordfighting with limp sausages this week.
Dawgs played the most complete game since Oregon and rightfully put Tennessee back in it's place. The gravy train continues into Starkville (where they're very acquainted with gravy,) and we handle business despite all Sad Sacks being officially worried about a let down. Dawgs on top 48-13.
Until next time, Go Dawgs, Go SadSacs, and damnit, Go America!
-Your Friendly Neighborhood Commissioner
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Ten
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+0). It's A
Love
Story 8-1 11-3 >99% 27%
2(+0). Ben Has A Bengina 6-3 9-5 90% 20%
3(+0). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 5-4 8-6 74% 12%
4(+0). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 5-4 8-6 70% 10%
5(+3). TeamNameWon'tBe OnTrophyAnyway 5-4 8-6 66% 9%
6(+1). Mikey
Elliott
's SadSac Emporium 5-4 7-7 58% 6%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-2). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 4-5 7-7 43% 6%
8(+1). 901 Dub Rock 4-5 6-8 32% 4%
9(+2). Desparation Name Change 4-5 6-8 32% 3%
10(-4).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 4-5 6-8 30% 3%
11(-1). Waffle Champ 2-7 5-9 3% <1%
12(+0). Stetson IV Heisman 2-7 4-10 <1% <1%
This would put:
Ben and
Brooks
in the Oltman Bowl
and
Colby and Neil in the Waffle Bowl
[Week 9] Slacking two weeks in a row!
Oh man what a loser. My B guys, this is gonna be another short post. I swear next week won't be!
I broke my streak against Ye Micro Ween, Stevie straight pummeled Wes, we may need to check him for anger issues, Ben took sole possession of the attic with a win over
Brooks
, MB kept Neil in the cellar alongside Colby, who got himself spanked by Drayer and liked it. Finally, Jim handed Collin a rare loss this year! All in all, it was our collective highest scoring week since Week 5 last year, well done everyone. Da Pirate plundered the Edgar, Wes worked retail with the JMHM, and Broullire and Neil slapped schlongs.
Coming up this week, Stephen and I are tied on FPros, but I think I make him walk the plank, Mike and
Brooks
have a nice lil battle with MIKEGIANTWIENER reigning supreme, Wes squeaks by Neil but slaps his dick en route, Ben obliterates Colby, Jim keeps a winning streak by pantsing Broullire, and Collin does nasty things to Drayer, earning a squirrel and handing Drayer a JMHM.
Dawgs come to play and win by 3 scores this weekend. Fuck Tennessee and the meth-riddled cousin they rode in on. 48-27.
Go Dawgs, Go SadSacs, Go America!
-Commish
[Week 8] Sorry guys
Y'all... this isn't even going to count as a LM Note. I might not even text y'all about it. I've got about 15 mins to post this, so this'll be a shorty to end all shorties.
I fucking lost to Wes. I feel dirty like most of his college conquests. Ben spanked Mike, establishing attic dominance. Broullire unleashed massive whoopass on Stephen and earned a squirrel in the process. Our first double-up of the season!
Brooks
fucked around but didn't find out because of course he was playing fucking Drayer, who BARELY NEARLY beat Da Pirate out for the JMHM. Neil played well (first week in top half of scoring). Unfortunately, Collin played a shit ton better. and then Jim and Colby fooled around in the basement like the year was 2007, with Jim taking revenge and winding up atop Mr.
Grant
.
Brooks
and Drayer were absolutely last week's Dickslapfest Game o' the Week, which whilst I knew they enjoyed slappin' each others' dicks in real life, I didn't know they enjoyed it in the context of fantasy.
Looking to this week:
Mike and I are friggin tied in the FPros rankings this week, I think I take him. Stevie has himself a good week and plunders Wes's booty, only problem is he likes it. Ben has another attic matchup and takes advantage of
Brooks
' somewhat flux team. Neil tries his best. MB on top. FPros loves Colby's team for absolutely no goddamn reason, so it WANTS ME to say that he's gonna take down Drayer but fuck FPros and fuck Colby, Drayer on top. Finally, Collin and Jim get fuckin' weird, but Collin keeps his winning ways afloat.
Don't have time to add the pics, so Ben takes another squirrel, Neil... woof. Workin' retail this week. Neil and MB slap dicks.
Dawgs spank that ass and get the shut out.
Go Dawgs, Go SadSacs, Go America!
-Mish
[Week 7] Bahahahahahahahahahahaha
Bahahaha hahahaha haha ha. Cheese. Come on man. I know they say never to victim blame in a situation like this but my God man you were asking for it. You were practically wearing a bikini to skid row. You dropped the soap in the prison showers. You willingly accepted
Antonio Gibson
.
Mike, I guess I should say you're welcome for
Jeff Wilson
. Glad Cheese could hold onto him for a few weeks. Can i hire you for the sales team at my company? Clearly you know how to sell some shit.
In actual fantasy news, I took one for the team and lost to Absentee Ben so that he'd stay away from the group chat, giving Ben his ellusive 2nd epileptic squirrel for the year. Now
Brooks
is free to continue BernieBro-ing his democratic shit all over the group chat. That keeps Ben in a tie for first place, edging out
Brooks
by just 32 points for. Broullire had a nice lil bounceback win against
Wesley
, escaping the cellar and ALMOST causing Wes to win the JMHM. Mike also came close to a JMHM in his surprising loss to Drayer, but alas it was the man the myth the legend himself, Jimothy Martin who took home his namesake award this week - -
***Shit, baby's crying and i've got another work call coming up, gotta make this quick.
Collin also beat da pirate, and Colby NARROWLY pulled one out over Neil.
This is the overall lowest scoring week since Week 9 last year, and the league's scoring this season so far is the lowest 6 week start since 2017. Well done gentlemen.
Nerds tell me that Neil is still the lowest scorer in the league this season, but teams are also SCORING the lowest amount of points against him at a surprising 511 total Points Against. So Butters is still hanging in there, dangling his dangler right above the cellar where a hungry Jim awaits.
Predictions for this week - -
Somehow, some way Wes gets his dub against me and I cry in shame. Ben and Mike meet in a heavyweight clash but there ain't stoppin' Ben when
Taylor
Swift
is on and baby it's a love story. MB continues his winning ways, pantsing the Pirate.
Brooks
ain't losing to Drayer, especially not now that Drayer's team is as dried up as Nancy Pelosi. Collin does some straight up mean shit to Neil and they don't talk to each other again til next year's draft. FantasyPros has both Jim and Colby in the Top 5 for teams this week. I don't smoke what they're smoking. Colby and Jim slap some dicks and fuck around for awhile until, much like their wrestling match, Colby winds up on top.
Broullire. I've predicted you like twice for the damn squirrel. Just take it already, okay?!
Have you looked at Drayer's team this week?
If this isn't Jim and Colby then I'm a monkey's uncle.
Dawgs are off before dismantling Florida and putting Tennessee in their place. Early lines have the WLOCP as -15.5 and UGA/UT as -11 and damnit hammer them Dawgs in both cases. They is hell don't they.
Go Dawgs, Go Jumpshots, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Seven
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+0). It's A
Love
Story 5-1 9-5 94% 22%
2(+0). Ben Has A Bengina 5-1 9-5 93% 20%
3(+0). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 4-2 8-6 83% 17%
4(+0). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 4-2 8-6 76% 11%
5(+0). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 3-3 7-7 46% 6%
6(+4).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 2-4 6-8 41% 5%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-1). Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot 3-3 6-8 41% 5%
8(+0). TheCurse Continued 3-3 6-8 30% 4%
9(-2). I Need A DUB 2-4 6-8 29% 3%
10(+1). Waffle Champ 2-4 6-8 29% 5%
11(+1). Desparation Name Change 1-5 5-9 19% 2%
12(-3). Stetson IV Heisman 2-4 5-9 19% 2%
[Week 6] I'll take a double on the rocks, please
Well, well, well - - it appears Mr.
Gabriel Davis
has himself a bit of a
Stetson Bennett
complex. The moment I tell him he's trash and consider benching him, he comes out and completely puts my team on his shoulders, earning me either two semi-good bottles or one very good bottle of bourbon from Señor Broullire. Let's be honest though, I ain't seeing those bottles anytime soon and I'm sure by the time next year rolls around we'll be going quadruple or nothing. I couldn't have done it without my second biggest scorer in Danny Big Balls
Carlson
though. By far the coolest person to ever come out of Auburn. A hat tip to you, good sir. Our matchup however wound up just being yet another boring 100ish to 100ish type of affair that we've all become accustomed to. The real entertainment came elsewhere in the league. Let's dig in - -
My body's willing and I'm ready to admit it - - Collin Hopf is good at fantasy football this year. Yung Hopf (ps - Jim, that's not actually how "young" is spelled) came in like a wrecking ball against Cheese and stole his second straight Edgar right out from under Ben's floppy bengina, despite his passcatchers being ass on the day. This is Collin's 10th all time Edgar award (dating back even before the epileptic squirrel was born) which brings him to 5th all time in Squirrel Huntin'. I, for one, welcome our new illiterate overlord and would actively cheer for Collin against anybody currently residing in the attic. Speaking of the attic, it stayed unchanged as Ben kept a surging Drayer at bay. Mike and Jim were well on their way to slappin' dicks like I predicted, until
Davante Adams
went off on Mon and Mike slammed Jim to the ground as if he was a photographer just doing his job. No, Mike and Jim did not have a wiener war, that honor resided with Neil and
Brooks
. Butters grabbed ole Ballsack and taught him a thing or two about fuckin around and finding out, but ultimately still came up short, earning him what is surprisingly his first and only JMHM for the season thus far.
Speaking of Neil - - the Nerd Report remained largely unchanged this week (Neil's still not had a top half scoring week, Broullire still sucks in closest matchups, etc. etc.) But continuing the theme from last week of comparing Neil historically (again, sorry buddy... but you're good content.) Neil's 5 week score of 439.12 is the lowest five week total since 2017, when both Ben and Jim topped(bottomed?) him at 394.98 and 415.01 respectively. Keepin' some pretty legit company there ole friend. Somehow, someway, you're still above the cellar and sitting at 8th in the standings.
Moving onto this week...
Absentee Ben finds his way home to battle Big Fudge, and while I feel like this one may get closer than anybody would expect, I presume Ben to pull his best Bama impression and pull away late like he meant to all along. Bitchboy Ben on top. Broullire's gotta be due for some good luck one of these days, right? Thankfully, he's got Wes this week and while FPros has them one point away in this week's power rankings, I don't think it's that close and he takes it to the cheesemeister. MB on top. Drayer and Mike just got a whole lot more interesting with
Davante Adams
getting arrested ( editor's note: I forgot he's on BYE anyways.) I can't believe I'm predicting this, but Drayer shoots at the attic and hits. Drayer on top. Stephen/Collin is must-see TV. Steve's on top of the power rankings this week but Collin is literally right beneath him. I hate pickin' against Da Pirate but Collin continues his streak and sinks his battleship. Rebellions are built on hopf. Collin on top . Ahhh, Jim and
Brooks
. one of these teams is good. That team doesn't belong to Jim.
Brooks
nails him harder than Coop, Ballsack teabags. Finally, Colby and Neil is also must-see TV but for very very different reasons. Neil doesn't amberheard the bed this time though and keeps the waffle bitch in the cellar. Butters on top.
as for the projected awards, I believe:
This is Collin's world and we're all just living in it. Hopf reigns supreme with his third straight squirrel.
This is definitely between Colby and Jim, and I'm gonna say that like a Louisville whore, Colby edges just a little bit harder.
Neil's basically a streaker at this point. Keep that pecker loose, Butters, you and Colby are swordfightin'.
Dawgs finally did the thing on the ground and ran all over Auburn. Who needs a quarterback with two healthy shoulders anyways? Dawgs rest anybody with a papercut (minus Stetson *shrug*) and get off to another slow start that puts Mike,
Brooks
, and Drayer on suicide watch, but ultimately it's fuckin' Vandy. 35-10, Dawgs rest up while we all start randomly worrying about AR15. Bonus pick - - Bama stays Bama and crushes the hillbilly's fever dreams.
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Six
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+0). It's A
Love
Story 4-1 9-5 86% 20%
2(+0). Ben Has A Bengina 4-1 9-5 85% 17%
3(+2). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 3-2 8-6 78% 14%
4(-1). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 4-1 8-6 75% 13%
5(-1). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 3-2 8-6 73% 13%
6(+1). Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot 3-2 7-7 54% 7%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-1). Collin's Crusty Sock Lord 2-3 7-7 45% 6%
8(+0). TheCurse Continued 2-3 6-8 29% 3%
9(+3). Stetson IV Heisman 2-3 6-8 25% 2%
10(-1).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 1-4 6-8 24% 3%
11(-1). Waffle Champ 1-4 5-9 16% 2%
12(-1). Collin's A VVeiner Sniffer 1-4 5-9 10% 1%
This would put:
Ben and
Brooks
in the Oltman Bowl.
and
Colby and Jim in the Waffle Bowl.
[Week 5] Fuckin' hell, Gabe Davis
Way to be a sack of bullshit for a third week in a row. I've now lost back to back to Collin and Drayer, and similar to how the Dawgs played against Mizzou - - one bad game is an anomaly, two is a trend and fellas my team is trending downward. Mine and Drayer's matchup was definitely the Dickslapfest GotW, marking my second straight wiener war and Drayer's 2nd overall.
I really thought this was a playoff year for me, maybe more. But prospects aren't looking great and Broullire comes to town to skullfuck me this week. Thanks MB.
Elsewhere in the league - - Our dear Mr. Hopf shocked the nation with a second solid week, earning himself an epileptic squirrel for the first time since 2020 (before the award was created.) With that win he kept Broullire down in the cellar in a 3-way tie for last place. Know who else is down there? Jim, after losing to Absentee Ben this past week. 3-ways? being tied up? Jim should feel right at home (at least if you asked him in college.) Wes gave a big middle finger to my prediction of Colby taking advantage of him and pinched off a tight one. His 0.72 point marginal win is the closest match since Week 7 of last year. Strangely
Brooks
was not involved this time. Instead, Da Pirate plundered
Brooks
' booty, despite trying his damndest to give the match away there near the end. And finally, Neil got a win and escaped the cellar! He also pantsed Mike in the process, earning Mike his first loss of the season and the JMHM for the week.
Speaking of Neil though, the Nerd Report has a few thoughts. The Nerd Report really loves giving me stats about Neil for some reason. Neil's point total through 4 weeks (357.97) is the lowest four week total since Wes in 2020. The difference though? Wes was 0-4, Neil is 2-2, so ya boi Butters is finding a way to win. Neil is also now the only man to not have had a week scoring in the top half of the league. It sure would be an inopportune time for his first round draft pick to get an ankle injury, that's for sure...
Moving onto this week...
As I said before, Broullire's coming to town and he looks angrier than Gisele watching Tom play football. He takes me behind the woodshed, MB on top. Is... Drayer's team good now? TBD. It's certainly not as historically bad as I thought (Neil might have taken that title lol.) Drayer's team IS however worse than Ben's. The Missing Man stays in the attic with a win and also earns himself a squirrel, Ben on top. Y'all, I think we need to come to grips with the fact that Collin may be good this year. He's certainly better than Wes. Sake Bois on top. Mike/Jim always provides entertainment, and honestly even with Mike in the attic and predicted to win, I've got a weird feeling here. Jim shocks the world and gets on top. Da Pirate has
Cooper Kupp
. Colby is starting
Jared Goff
. Provided that
Tom Brady
isn't too distracted, Da Pirate sails the seven seas. Finally,
Brooks
and Neil. Eek.
Brooks
is collecting infinity stones whereas Neil is that first planet where Thanos killed half the population.
Brooks
snaps his finger, Neil blips . Sorry buddy.
as for the projected awards, I believe:
As I said up above, Ben's been hunting for his second squirrel, and I think he finally finds it.
I mean... I don't love my team and how they're playing right now. If someone else was writing this post, I'd understand if I were the pick here. But I'm writing this post and fuck that shit. Neil Motherfuckin
Rush
Bramblett is workin' retail this week.
Oh man, there is certainly the potential for weirdness in mine and Broullire's matchup, and I could see Wes and Collin tusslin', but man - - weird shit happens when Mike and Jim play. I think Jim pulls Mike down into the mud and fucks around.
As for the Dawgs, I'm tired of predicting a dominant run game and easy win only for us to fuck around. But this week isn't the last two weeks and Kirby and Stetson hate Auburn almost as much as me. Kirby also loves collecting coaching scalps and he's gotta be pissed that he won't get Geoff
Collins
'. Fuck these motherfuckers, Dawgs beat that ass and Bryan Harsin gets fired on Sunday. Dawgs on top 52-3.
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Five
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+2). It's A
Love
Story 3-1 9-5 83% 19%
2(+0). Ben Has A Bengina 3-1 8-6 79% 17%
3(-2). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 3-1 8-6 71% 14%
4(+3). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 2-2 7-7 58% 11%
5(+6). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 2-2 7-7 55% 6%
6(+4). Collin's Crusty Sock Lord 2-2 7-7 52% 5%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-3). Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot 2-2 7-7 49% 8%
8(+4). TheCurse Continued 2-2 7-7 37% 4%
9(-4).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 1-3 6-8 35% 6%
10(-4). Waffle Champ 1-3 6-8 30% 4%
11(-3). Collin's A VVeiner Sniffer 1-3 6-8 29% 4%
12(-3). Mike's Anthro -pariophobia 2-2 6-8 23% 3%
This would put:
Ben and
Brooks
in the Oltman Bowl.
and
Jim and Neil in the Waffle Bowl.
[Week 4] Yep. This is less fun when you lose.
Womp Womp. Weird shit always happens when Collin and I meet on the fantasy football battlefield. Some days, Collin sends me to Waffle House, other days, we take our dicks out and make 'em kiss.
This past weekend was the latter. I predicted Jim and Drayer to slap some dicks, and so naturally they instead duked it out in the battle for the Edgar, with Matthew Motherfuckin' Drayer taking home the squirrel. I predicted Neil to do his best Jimbo impression and take the JMHM, and while he did his damndest to try for it, ya boi 'Mish edged out Colby for that honor. That ball bounces funny some times.
Elsewhere in the league, Wes dragged
Brooks
down into his swamp and almost had him but grasped defeat out of the jaws of victory at the last second. Mike continued his "Fuck You My Penis is at Worst Average" revenge tour by downing the Pirate. Absentee Ben did something that Jim's never done by pulling out against Neil. And finally, Colby and Broullire had what was the equivalent of two drunk hobos fighting over a sandwich, with Broullire ultimately winning himself the cold cut trio.
The Nerd Report is telling me that Neil is now the new lowest scorer in the league through the first three weeks, something you never want to hear as the 1.01 draft pick.
Brooks
has 3 consecutive weeks being in that week's closest matchup, going full hold-my-dick by being 3-0 in those. He's now 12-10 all time in closest matchups. The dude likes getting fuckin close to other dudes, who am I to judge? Mikeaveragepp is the only league member to be in the top half of scoring each week so far this season. Neil and Wes are the only ones to not be in the top half of scoring in any week so far this season.
Looking at this week:
Drayer had the nerve to call me "Geoff (mr. cocky)" in his Nerd Report. Well fuck you too, bootylicker. I get luckier than Drayer on his wedding night and knock him up, Jeff on top . Matt Broullire's team basically hit those warm gulf waters this past week and surged up to a Cat 5 and he's about to unleash hell like Collin's middle name is Fort
Meyers
, MB on top. Absentee Ben's team is not a good team. It's fuckin' better than Jim's though. Bengina on top. Colby has a flashback to freshman year and takes advantage of a probably-high Wes. Waffle Bitch on top. Neil's team might not have a terrible week, but it's meeting the buzzsaw that's name is MIKE. MIKERAGINGPP on top .
Brooks
' team is already dangerous, will be getting significantly more dangerous once Nuk and
Swift
are active, but this isn't his week. Da Pirate plunders his booty. Pirate on top.
as for the projected awards, I believe:
No one saner than Wes could've predicted that Drayer was snagging the squirrel last week. Let's keep on the weird train, Matthew Broullire takes the only W in the state of Florida this week by grabbing the Edgar.
Well, I sure as shit didn't want to win my first JMHM before my first Edgar, but fuck you fantasy gods. This week, it returns home to Drayer's mantle, although watch out for it's namesake Jim...
Again, not an award I was hoping for last week, but Collin and I had our fun. This week, I could see Neil bringing Mike down to his level and slappin' him with his dick, but I'm going to go with the more obvious choice. Wes and Colby had loads of practice rubbin' sticks in college. Let's let them do it one more time.
Dawgs fucked around and found out last week that giving up 22 points to a scrub ain't fun. That doesn't happen this week. Kirby is loving some SEC road games these days and Mizzou is no different. 42-3, MFing Dawgs on top.
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Four
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+1). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 3-0 9-5 86% 18%
2(-1). Ben Has A Bengina 3-0 9-5 82% 18%
3(+1). It's A
Love
Story 2-1 8-6 68% 12%
4(-1). Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot 2-1 7-7 55% 8%
5(+5).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 1-2 7-7 55% 9%
6(-1). Waffle Champ 1-2 7-7 47% 8%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-1). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 1-2 6-8 40% 6%
8(+1). Collin's A VVeiner Sniffer 1-2 6-8 37% 6%
9(-1). Ben Harbin's Absentee Ballot 1-2 6-8 35% 4%
10(-3).
Brooks
' A|\|AL Beads Secret 1-2 6-8 33% 4%
11(+1). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 1-2 6-8 33% 4%
12(-1). TheCurse Continued 1-2 6-8 29% 3%
This would put:
Mike and
Brooks
in the Oltman Bowl.
and
Collin and Drayer in the Waffle Bowl.
[Week 3] I'm Trying to Come Up With Ways For These Things to Not Be Solely Focused on Drayer...
...and I'm failing lol.
I guess let's try talking about everybody else other than him first and see where that gets us.
Mike - congrats dude. After two terrible years of being accused of having a diminutive peen, losing the waffle bowl, failing to complete the waffle house challenge and enduring both endless mockery and the curse, you finally have a team that doesn't suck. All it took was having a team name making fun of Collin's reading comprehension.
Brooks
- Wait,
Brooks
tied for the lead? Stop me if you've heard this one before. Ole Ballsack has himself a solid lil team and he's feelin' cute... let's just hope CMC doesn't get injured. **editor's note - this was written before CMC missed Thurs practice with an ankle injury. hehehe.** Still my favorite team name of recent history though.
Brooks
has been a part of the closest match each week so far, and has wound up on top. Can he keep that up?
Ben - Hope exile life is treating you well. I'm mad at you simply because I miss you. Come back to us. I swear there haven't been any politics discussed in months.
Da Pirate - Scored a respectable 97 points despite basically having Neil Bramblett dressed out at RB and
Brady
's corpse stinkin' it up on the field.
Kupp
's keepin' him afloat but that's not a bad place to be in if last year is any indication.
Colby - Moving from
Trey Lance
to
Ryan
Tannethrill shall be interesting. ARSB is carrying this team, but if
Jefferson
gets going as well, watch out. Let's see, how would Neil put this..... Can Colby go FIRST TO WORST AND THEN BACK TO FIRST?!
Cheesedick -
Wesley
's eatin' ass and takin' names, the jury's just out on whether eating ass is a good thing or bad thing in this context. I think I kinda traderaped myself by trading
Wilson
for basically $50 FAAB, but hey, at least he didn't go to Drayer.
Jimbo - Here's a fun stat provided by the resident number-crunching-nerds (
Brooks
& Drayer.) Wes, Jim, and Neil are all +1 this season in "luck assessment" which means they won when their score would have typically been a loss on average. Conversely, Collin, Colby, and Broullire are all -1, meaning they lost when their score would typically be a win. That being said, Jim actually did lose to yours truly because his team was absolute shit outside of
Lamar Jackson
.
Neil - Ohh butters. You are one win up from the cellar, so I can't completely shit on yah, but that's primarily because you got your Drayer Bye last week. Your Points For are significantly less than these next two dudes (Collin & Broullire.) In fact, here is a fun stat:
Neil's Points For for the first two weeks of the season is the third lowest first-two-weeks score of all time. The only two chumps with a lower first-two-weeks score? 2019 Jeffrey (aka Waffle Champ First of His Name,) and 2022 Matthew Drayer. Not wonderful company to be keeping... Especially after having the first overall draft pick, eek.
Broullire - Now we get to the cellar. Broullire pretty fucking unlucky (as we already determined above,) because if we went strictly by Points For, he'd be in 5th place instead of 10th. But alas, he played Mike and
Brooks
and they slapped him down despite having a high losing score and here he finds himself as a cellarmate to Collin and Drayer. He's been in the highest scoring matchup both weeks, and both weeks he's come up empty. Sorry bro.
Collin - What's there to say about my dear Shokitini Sake Boi? Well, nothing, except FUCKING POUND SAND MOTHERFUCKER IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG BRING IT ON BITCH.
and finally, that brings us to the man, the myth, the potential legend.
Matthew Drayer is breaking records. As previously mentioned, he's scored the least amount of points in the first two weeks, breaking my record from 2019 by 15%. (we all know how bad my team was that year.) He's scored, on average, 23% fewer points than an typical lowest scorer each week. How does his future look? Well, the player with the lowest PF after two weeks has missed the playoffs in 5 consecutive seasons. Statistically, he is more likely to be in the Waffle Bowl than in the playoffs. This is not a good team, but anything can happen on the waiver wire. Might want to be more open to trades though, my man.
Eh, I don't love that format. Next week I'll go back to game by game reviews, but whatever. The point of all of that was to emphasize how straight up bad Drayer's team is, so hopefully that shone through.
Let's get to this week:
I spank Collin like my name's Emily Pilwonka. Drayer gets a surprise bounce by offing Jim. Broullire has another super close game and yet falls to Colby and remains in the cellar. Absentee Ben wins from afar against Neil. Wes poses little threat to
Brooks
. Mike has his biggest fight against Steve but reigns victorious.
as for the projected awards, I believe:
Ben eeked out an Edgar win over
Brooks
last week. That doesn't happen this week as
Brooks
takes home his first squirrel.
Neil gave Drayer a run for his money on this last week, but MD20/20 took it anyways. He takes a reprieve this week while earning his first win, and I think Neil finally takes it instead.
Drayer, keep them pants on the ground, pants on the ground, lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground. Jim's making a return to the DSFGotW and the two of you are swordfightin' with your dongs this week.
Dawgs/Kent State is going to be so boring that I don't even think I'm going to watch it live as we take Mary Lundy on her first roadtrip up to the Highlands. Dawgs obviously roll, let's hope for no injuries, and let's also hope for better signs of a power rush game. We obviously haven't needed one yet, but it'd be nice to know we still have one.
Milton
and
Edwards
both go over 100 yards and the Dawgs roll 52-0.
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Three
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+0). Ben Has A Bengina 2-0 9-5 83% 19%
2(+0). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 2-0 8-6 80% 15%
3(+0). Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot 2-0 8-6 71% 13%
4(+2). It's A
Love
Story 1-1 8-6 63% 11%
5(+5). Waffle Champ 1-1 7-7 49% 8%
6(-2). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 1-1 7-7 47% 7%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+1). Booty Eaters Anonymous 1-1 7-7 46% 6%
8(+1). You Just Got CPAP'd 1-1 7-7 43% 5%
9(-4). Collin's A VVeiner Sniffer 1-1 7-7 41% 5%
10(-3).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 0-2 6-8 34% 5%
11(+1). TheCurse Continued 0-2 6-8 25% 3%
12(-1). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 0-2 5-9 20% 2%
This would put:
Brooks
and Mike in the Oltman Bowl.
and
Drayer and Collin in the Waffle Bowl.
[Week 2] Drayer... Buddy... Yikes.
I tell y'all what, these things are a whole lot easier to write after a win than after a loss. If I go back in time on mikelilpp.com and look at old LM Notes (esp. 2019 and early 2021) I'm kinda a whiny bitch when I'm losing at fantasy football.
----Correct that, I'm kinda a whiny bitch all of the time, but at least after a win I combine that with unbridled optimism and arrogant confidence. You're welcome, league.
Man oh man, what a week one. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty proud that my game predictions all came true. The only prediction that didn't come through is I had GroupChatBitchBen slotted down for the Jim Martin,
Hollister
Model but Drayer came on through and fucked everything up (more on that below.) Outside of a few massive outliers though, everybody had a pretty damn good week. Anytime that 75% of the league scores triple diggies is a good week overall, so congratulations y'all!
-----actually, I just got word from the resident number-crunching nerds that this was our lowest Week 1 average score since 2017. That surprises the hell out of me, but I suppose when you have a curve buster like Matt Drayer factored in, you're gonna have a bad time.
Let's review the games from last week:
Jeff v. Colby / 121.44 - 106.94 - - - HEY GUYS! Colby forgot to set a Tight End. Can you believe it? No seriously, are you surprised? Colby, I know I was the beneficiary this time but my God man, set your damn lineup. This isn't some bullshit work or family league, we've been at this for twelve years now. I want to let you know that
Brooks
very much wants to establish a punishment for failing to set a lineup and you're inching me closer and closer to putting that up for a vote. In other news,
Trey Lance
sucks.
Jim v. Neil / 89.47 - 73.23 - - - Called it! Jim and Neil whipped them out and played some tummy sticks, with Jim juuust inching Neil out (literally.) Yikes guys. You both would've been in the running for Jim's namesake award if Drayer hadn't straight Amber Heard'ed the bed, so instead y'all will just have to settle for taking home last week's Dickslapfest Game o' the Week. Congratulations.
Collin v.
Brooks
/ 112.59 - 116.04 - - - What is it with
Brooks
and winning closer matchups? He's like the anti-
Scott
Frost. If it's a one-score game,
Brooks
is coming out on top. I guess the drama queen just has a flair for the theatrics. As much as I love "Ben Has a Bengina" and the accompanying gif, I gotta say I miss calling
Brooks
"Ballsack." Maybe I'll just bring it back for shits and gigs. Anyways, Ballsack overcame
Josh Allen
's big Thursday with his big bets CMC and
Michael Thomas
paying off.
Drayer v. Stephen / 59.13 - 110.87 - - - Drayer, my God. That was kinda hard to watch. Drayer startin' 2022 super strong coming close to the Top 10 Lowest Weekly Score list right out of the gate. Needless to say, MD took home the Jim Martin,
Hollister
Model . Hell, that shit practically moved heaven and earth to get into Drayer's hands as if he were Thor calling Mjolnir. We all knew it was bad when
Akers
was a no-show on Thursday, but I get the feeling Drayer watched the rest of the weekend like this:
To the best of my data, that was the second worst opening score ever (Wes scored 57.63 in Week 1 2020.) Until proven otherwise, I'm slating Drayer in for the projected Waffle Bowl. Who knows though? Maybe Captain
Kirk Cousins
can move some syrupy mountains for him? I can tell you, Drayer would indeed "like that."
(I'd be remiss if I made that paragraph all about Drayer. Stevie had himself a solid week with
Kupp
and AJB doing
Kupp
and AJB things. That goose egg from Devonta kinda sucks though.)
Speaking of the Waffle Bowl, we have their favorite competitor next...
Mike v. Broullire / 146.09 - 102.47 - - - Wait, what's that? You say this was actually the highest scoring matchup of the week? You're saying that Mike actually won the Edgar ?! Will this be merely a glimmer of hope in an otherwise barren wasteland of despair? Or is Mike in line to party like it's 2014/2017? Time shall tell. On the other side of the coin, Broullire looks to have a fairly solid team, and you have to imagine he'll get more play out of
Pitts
and
Thielen
(FUCK THAT GUY.)
Ben v. Wes / 100.42 - 106.29 - - - Finally, we arrive at needledick vs cheesedick. (Sorry Ben, the nicknames continue until you rejoin the group chat.) Had Jim and Neil not dicked around so much, these yahoos would've taken home the DSFGotW but otherwise it was just a lil prissy party. Wes had the second-worst luck this week with both
Eli Mitchell
and
Keenan Allen
going down. Ben on the other hand just had
Stafford
,
Jacobs
,
Knox
, and
Robinson
all straight up shit the bed. Saquon and Stefon did all they could to hold up the
Love
Stories but there was just too much suck to handle. Questions need answering, fellas.
Onto this week's matchups...
Fresh off his tummysticks, Jim takes a shot at the 'mish, but unfortunately for him I do my best Wrasslin' Colby impression and I wind up on top. Colby and Collin tussle, and while it'll be close I think Colby wins and Collin goes fishin'. Neil's team isn't bad. It isn't wonderful but it definitely isn't bad. It sure as SHIT is better than Drayer's team. Neil on top of the GDGDI. Now, Broullire/
Brooks
is an interesting one. ESPN has them neck and neck, FantasyPros has them neck and neck, sorry
Brooks
but I'm calling the upset. MB takes Week 2. Da Pirate and Ben are also neck and neck, but I'm picking Da Pirate to continue his plundering, for reasons I'll disclose in the group chat later. Finally, Big Dick Mikelilpp comes up against the second worst team in the league and absolutely throws his penis weight around against Wes. In case that metaphor broke down, I'm picking Mike to beat Wes.
as for the projected awards, I believe:
Mike was a fun surprise last week, let's keep that up and choose Matthew Broullire to take the epileptic squirrel down to JAX.
Until proven otherwise, this award belongs to Matthew Drayer. All he has to do is score less than 31.15 one of these weeks and we get to rename the award in his honor.
Sorry Neil, you can't zip your pants up yet. You're goin' dickslappin' again. Neil/Drayer just has such RICH potential for tomfoolery. Gentlemen and Wes, I give you your DSFGotW.
Gettin' this in just in time for TNF, the new Papa 'Mish way. For the Dawgs, they spank SoCar,
Kendall Milton
runs for 150+, Dajun breaks a big one. Dawgs on top 42-14.
Everybody enjoy texting in the group! (fuck you Ben.)
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Two
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+1). Ben Has A Bengina 1-0 8-6 70% 13%
2(+4). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 1-0 8-6 68% 13%
3(+2). Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot 1-0 8-6 64% 11%
4(+8). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 1-0 7-7 59% 10%
5(+5). Collin's A VVeiner Sniffer 1-0 7-7 53% 8%
6(+5). It's A
Love
Story 0-1 7-7 49% 8%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+1).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 0-1 7-7 48% 8%
8(-1). Booty Eaters Anonymous 1-0 7-7 48% 7%
9(-6). You Just Got CPAP'd 0-1 7-7 41% 6%
10(-9). Waffle Champ 0-1 6-8 41% 7%
11(-7). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 0-1 6-8 35% 6%
12(-3). TheCurse Continued 0-1 6-8 27% 4%
This would put:
Brooks
and Mike in the Oltman Bowl.
and
Collin and Drayer in the Waffle Bowl.
[Week 1] A Lil Shorty Due to My Lil Shorty
Gentlemen - - I regret to inform you that this week's LM Note is not only late, it'll also be short. You see, dear reader, after my daughter came last week I've been on a fairly weird schedule where I don't so much have days and nights but rather I live my life in 3-hour increments. Change diaper, change onesie, give bottle, put down, have two hours to do whatever I want (including sleep.)
As such, I nearly forgot that the NFL season starts tonight lol. We get what should be a great game between the Rams and Bills and we also get our first chance to see if
Brooks
and Colby can defend their respective titles. Nobody has ever gone back to back for either the Oltman nor the Kim but damnit, trends are meant to be broken. That's why them Dawgs are running it back as well. Them Dawgs is hell.
Now since we have no previous games to review, we move onto an old feature in a new format, the weekly predictions:
This week, I slapdown Colby now that he's already trolling the wire for a TE (as opposed to trolling Louisville gay bars for a tight end.) Jim and Neil fight to a thrilling conclusion, with, much like the conception of his 100 kids, it ends with Jim on top . Do I even need to review
Brooks
vs. Collin? Let's just say that
Brooks
takes as much advantage of Collin as if he's still slinging free drinks at JR's. In the battle of the man who used to never name his own team with his own jokes to the man who now refuses to do so, Da Pirate takes the booty against Drayer. I can't believe I'm typing these words, but I believe Mike
Elliott
wins a fantasy football matchup this week by defeating Broullire. And finally Wes has his way with Ben and we all laugh about it in the group chat behind Ben's back.
as for the projected awards, I believe:
In the least shocking news ever,
Brooks
seems an obvious choice for this week's Edgar, but I hate being obvious, so I think Michael fucking
Elliott
finally learns what an Edgar even is and takes it home.
On the opposite side of the coin, FantasyPros fucking hates Ben's team. And since I'm still kinda mad at him for leaving the group chat, I'm sticking to their picks. Ben, enjoy your JMHM.
Ahhhh the ole dickslapfest. A time honored tradition. Ben/Wes seems like a very strong candidate, but I think we're in for a surprise here. Jim, Neil, you fellas are officially on dickslap watch. Go ahead and unzip them trousers, boys.
That's all I got this week, guys. Dawgs hang at least half a hundy on Samford and the game ends with Stockton handing off to Savion Clark or some walk-on white RB. Boring running game in the rain, but damnit it's good to be back. Enjoy tonight, text in the group (fuck you Ben,) and I'll see you guys on the flippity flop.
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week One
(For the first couple weeks, I will just be looking at FP's Rest of Season power rankings rather than their league analyzer. There's not enough team data for them to consider with the analyzer yet, as it has us all going 7-7 at the moment.)
1. Waffle Champ
2. Ben Has a Bengina
3. You Just Got CPAP'd
4. **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ**
5. Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot
6. HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7. Booty Eaters Anonymous
8.
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem
9. Jim Can't Spell
10. Collin's A VVeiner Sniffer
11. It's a
Love
Story
12. StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty
This would put:
Colby and
Brooks
in the Oltman Bowl.
and
Ben and Stephen in the Waffle Bowl.
[Post-Draft] Welcome to the Thunderdome, Bitches
*knuckles cracking*
Ah shit, here we go again.
Just like the twelve of us walking into General's and ordering Dixieland Sweet Teas, we're officially back, motherfuckers. Hopefully this season isn't as weird as the vibe was in General's though. Seriously, who let all these fuckin' babies into OUR bars? They don't even know how to hit Bourbon Street Power Hour appropriately. Fuckin' children.
Oh well, I am excited for this season of fantasy. I know that that's going to last for only about 3 more weeks, but still. Just like an 18-year-old bartender pouring casino royale shots for Neil, I fully intend to take advantage of all of you. Just like Wes trying to use an ATM at Toppers, you're all going to fail miserably. I'm just hoping that all season long I feel more indestructible like I did Saturday night in my leopard print tuxedo than fully-destroyed like I felt Sunday morning after hungoverly somehow killing the battery in both of my cars. Let's just say I'm heading into this season with more confidence than Neil or Collin with a karaoke mic in their hands, and that's saying something.
Onto my favorite post-draft tradition, shitting on everybody's team names in the context of FantasyPros' Draft Day Rankings. LET'S BEGIN:
1.) Ben Has A Bengina - Brooksy Sawyer
This is one of my favorite team names in recent history, even if it obnoxiously belongs to
Brooks
. The fact that his team icon is still ballsack aladdin makes this name that much stronger. Ben does, in fact, have a bengina. that's just science. Also, fuckin
Brooks
coming in first in the draft ratings makes me question why the hell I even do this.
2.) Waffle Champ - Colby
Grant
Who the fuck had "Colby actually does the waffle house challenge" on their bingo card?! That one was a major shock to me, and based on the lack of bodily harm he seemingly endured, I still have questions about whether or not every waffle was consumed. That shit wrecked my system (ironically because that's the one thing I couldn't do,) for at least a week. But alas, with no contrarian proof, I am forced to congratulate Colby for actually sacking up and knocking it out unlike a certain tiny-wienered leaguemate.
3.) **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** - Collin Hopf
I'd add jokes here if I thought Collin could actually read them. That being said, I'm a fan of the "boiz" format after the success I had with my Tortilla Fight Boiz, so well done, Hopf. If Collin actually winds up in 3rd place though I will legitimately eat a hat.
4.) Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot - Jeff Ostenson
So I changed my team name after draft weekend. I loved jimnoballs but a) I sure as shit don't want to repeat the curse of the jim team name from last year and b) Wes' bucket pong shots were making me giggle a solid 7 days after the draft. Wes, you're a good team sport. Just never ask to watch Katherine's live birth ever again.
5.) Booty Eaters Anonymous - Neil Bramblett (lol jk this is Wes Robertson who else would it be)
Wesley
eatin' that ass. Also, coming in strong above the playoff line coming off the draft. If I wouldn't have made the dumbass slapbet with Drayer, I'd be rooting for you to fuck shit up in the league this year. Instead though, I hope you fail at every endeavor you attempt.
6.) You Just Got CPAP'd - Neil Bramblett
Yeah... I don't know that I'm allowed to make any CPAP jokes after I clearly demonstrated that I should probably start using one. Sorry again,
Brooks
. Neil's taking that Bane energy into the season. We all merely adopted the butters life. He was born into it, molded by it.
-----------PLAYOFF LINE-----------
7.) Jim Can't Spell - Matt Drayer
Truer words have never been spoken. Neither Jim nor Wes can spell. That was entertaining and we absolutely should make real spelling bees a tiebreaker going into the future. Drayer being below the line is a bit of a surprise here, but I'd be more surprised if that lasts too long.
8.) HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood - Mike
Elliott
Damn that's a long team name, but it absolutely hits. What winds up longer, Mike's team name or his winning streak this season? I guess we'll find out in a couple weeks.
9.)
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem - Matt Broullire
It's rare to keep the same name from the draft into the season, and it's even more rare to have a non-league-related name, but Broullire accomplishes both here. Is it any surprise to anybody that MB is referencing hot older women with his team name? Broullire, you cougar-hunter, you. FWIW I think you need to add an accompanying image to your team now. The whole league will thank you for it.
10.) let me think of a team name... - Stephen Robison
For the third season in a row, Stephen just bends over and accepts whatever team name I give him at the beginning of the season and rolls with it. Stephen is basically the guy who moves into a dorm room and leaves it completely empty - no futon, no posters, no curtains. Half of you wonders if he even lives there, the other half assumes he's a serial killer. Stevie over here livin' the minimalist lifestyle. If he's this content with having his team name set for him though, I motion a vote to hold a vote in the text on his team name. I'll open it up to suggestions and we'll collectively set his shit.
11.) Collin's a VVeiner Sniffer - Jim Martin
Jim coming in strong in the naming department even if not in the team rankings department. Collin's a VVeiner Sniffer has the dual benefit of a) getting around ESPN's blockers and b) forcing the reader to use a german accent to say "Veiner" which IMO is more fun anyways. With so many other names referencing shit that happened on the draft though, I do wonder what happened to make Jim name his team this. Is there a story here?!
and rounding things out at
12.) It's a Love Story - Benjamin Harbin
It's certainly not a love story between FantasyPros and Ben's draft. As much as we all enjoyed him being there in person, he may have been better off leaving himself on autodraft again.
And that's all she wrote, gentlemen and Wes. The next LM Note will come prior to Week 1, although I'm officially giving myself permission to not be as timely as usual because by that point I'll have a crying, pooping addition to the household. I am also putting out the call to anybody who might want to ghost-write an LM Note or two. It'd be super fun to feature more members of the league here, even if it's just as simple as
Brooks
and Drayer posting some nerdy stats or something. Just lemme know if you're interested.
Until that point though.....
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish