[Week 10] Suck My Peg Leg, Stephen
Matt Drayer's in 4th place. Let that sink in. I spent WEEKS on here talking mad shit about Drayer's team, and here we are.
It just goes to show you that the fantasy season is long. Drayer went from scoring 59pts in week 1 to 131 in week 9. Let that be a lesson for the rest of you. If you're ever feeling down about your team, you too can refuse every trade ever brought up to you, scour the waiver wire, and luck out when
Justin Fields
finally stops suckin' major ass. It's really that simple.
Speaking of sucking major ass... Neil Bramblett. Mr. Butters got himself pants by Cheesedick this past week, earning himself his second JMHM (tied with the aforementioned Drayer with that stat.) Neil's 809.25 points thru Week 9 are now the lowest total since 2018 when Collin went 798.76 thru the front nine. The biggest difference is that Collin had a score of 36.25 weighing him down as an anchor, whereas Neil's just basically been consistently in the 80's this whole time. I'm sure that like the seadonkey that Wes fucked back in college, Neil would just love to be told "welcome to the 90's, bitch." Ah.. well... nevertheless.
Elsewhere in the league this week...
As mentioned in the subject line, I managed a win against Stephen while possibly losing
Aaron Jones
for awhile, watching
Mostert
lose his starting job, and having
Gabe Davis
shit the bet yet again. Man, Stevie, what the fuck was your team doing?!
Brooks
had byepocalypse & purposefully threw his matchup against mikelilpp this week for strategery or some shit. Yeah, because god forbid you drop
Dalton
fucking
Schultz
. But oh well, it most likely wouldn't have mattered as Mike surged to his second Edgar of the year. Colby drug Ben down into the cellar mud and nearly conquered him, but of course he snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Ben would've retained sole attic position regardless with
Brooks
' loss, but Colby missed out on a chance to leave Neil locked down there by himself like he's Buffalo Bill in a skin suit. IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN. But I digress. This clusterfuck attic/cellar matchup was absolutely the dickslapfest game o' the week and it spawned an honest-to-goodness dick-shaped hurricane. Be safe down there Broullire! Speaking of FloridaMan, he fell flat on his face against Jim and very nearly earned the JMHM had it not been for the aforementioned Neil. Looking at his team brings back all sorts of haunted memories, with it's Adam Thielens and its Taysom Hills. Missin'
Chubb
and
Chase
is gonna sting no matter who's on your team though. Finally, Collin scored in the top half of the league's scoring this week, but Drayer said no fuck you that's mine and knocked him down. Now Collin's tied up with the rest of us bubble team hooligans.
Looking ahead at this week - - -
Brooks
has been building a death star all year long, with long plays like Nuk, crazy trades to net him the 1.01 and 1.02 picks, oh and sitting on
Mahomes
this whole time. Due to injuries and byes, that's netted him losses the past two weeks. LUCKY FOR ME he gets the whole squad back just in time for the Scotch Bowl. Motherfucker.
Brooks
sips the strong stuff for the third year in a row... Stephen and Neil will be a close one but Neil just picked up
Deshaun Watson
which is dangerous for his team and dangerous for the massage parlors of Birmingham, AL. The curse is real, and Stephen keeps him in the basement. FantasyPros just can't quit Colby, which has his team ranked playoff-caliber for the rest of the season and has him beating Mike. I just can't fucking do it. MikeAboveAveragePeen shows FPros who's boss. Woof. Jim/Wes is going to be bad. It's gonna be real bad. IMO it's a lock for the DSFGOTW and my lord if Jim doesn't get the JMHM I'll be a monkey's uncle. Wes somehow on top of the world's worst tickle fight. Ben literally individually texts me gloats, trash talks, legitimate commentary on the league. This week he gloated about officially being a playoff lock. I still want a unified group chat, so I do not pass any of these on. But who am I to argue with the man who's won 8 in a row? I've got no reason to start doubting him now, and meanwhile Collin may be without
Josh Allen
. Ben wins big and we all come to grips with the fact that this is one of the best regular seasons since Collin's 13-0 back in the day (we all know how that ended tho...) Finally, Drayer's on a roll and continuing his charge from probable-cellar-dweller to legitimate playoff contender. I ain't standing in his way, and neither is Broullire this week. Like Hurricane Nicole, Drayer blows right over Jacksonville this week.
So, for the projected awards, I believe:
Ben becomes the first person with three squirrels, although Drayer(!) pushes hard for his second.
This is probably the loser of Wes/Jim, who I believe to be Jim, but ngl Broullire could challenge here.
Yeah no doubt in my mind that Wes and Jim are swordfighting with limp sausages this week.
Dawgs played the most complete game since Oregon and rightfully put Tennessee back in it's place. The gravy train continues into Starkville (where they're very acquainted with gravy,) and we handle business despite all Sad Sacks being officially worried about a let down. Dawgs on top 48-13.
Until next time, Go Dawgs, Go SadSacs, and damnit, Go America!
-Your Friendly Neighborhood Commissioner
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Ten
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+0). It's A
Love
Story 8-1 11-3 >99% 27%
2(+0). Ben Has A Bengina 6-3 9-5 90% 20%
3(+0). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 5-4 8-6 74% 12%
4(+0). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 5-4 8-6 70% 10%
5(+3). TeamNameWon'tBe OnTrophyAnyway 5-4 8-6 66% 9%
6(+1). Mikey
Elliott
's SadSac Emporium 5-4 7-7 58% 6%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-2). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 4-5 7-7 43% 6%
8(+1). 901 Dub Rock 4-5 6-8 32% 4%
9(+2). Desparation Name Change 4-5 6-8 32% 3%
10(-4).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 4-5 6-8 30% 3%
11(-1). Waffle Champ 2-7 5-9 3% <1%
12(+0). Stetson IV Heisman 2-7 4-10 <1% <1%
This would put:
Ben and
Brooks
in the Oltman Bowl
and
Colby and Neil in the Waffle Bowl
