Week ELEVEN Power Rankings - It's Getting a Little Lonely in this Basement
Neil, Collin, and Drayer all won this week, which is cool cool cool cool cool. I'm a near lock for the 11th/12th place matchup, which is basically a death knell. Those participants require two wins to escape the Waffle Bowl, whereas the rest of the losers' bracket only need to win one. I'm glad I'm pulling a Broullire and starting Keto right now, because ya boy is most likely breaking it in a couple months to gorge on waffles. If I do indeed wind up as the Waffler, how interested would y'all be in making an Athens night out of it? We could pick a Saturday, do some Athens things during the day, go drinking a little bit reliving our younger years, watch Colby and Neil fail to talk to Gen-Z bitches, and then end up with some solid people-watching at the downtown Waffle House. Let me know in the chat if that sounds fun.
Elsewhere in the league this week, MIKE LOST TO DRAYER. That's it, that's the joke. The one and only person to embarrassingly lose to me this year took out a strong contender for the Oltman. Well done, Drayer. Let's see if you can do it against Jim this time.
Ben won the Derp Bowl against Wes, Neil beat a once-surging Colby, Jim won the only competitive matchup of the weekend against Broullire, and Collin put the beatdown on Adam. Outside of my team being genuinely awful, the league's seen a lot of parity this year, which I love. We've got 9(!) guys that are 3-games-back or less, meaning if things played out perfectly, Collin could conceivably go from lock-for-the-losers-bracket all the way up to tied for first, which is simply insane. Only Drayer, Neil, and I seem like genuine locks at this point, so there's a high probability of the WH Challenge taking place in Dunwoody, Athens, or bumblefuck Arkansas.
Coming up this week, I get to try and get my second win of the year against Neil, Brooks feasts on Ben, Broullire and Wes matchup in a battle of good-not-greats, Mike FEASTS on Adam (set your lineup, bro,) and Drayer, Jim, Colby, and Collin all also participate.
Go Dawgs, fuck Auburn, that is all.
-Commish
Onto the rankings:
12. - Colby's L'Ville Whistleblower - Jeff Ostenson
Current Record - 1-9, Projected Record - 2-11, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 0%
11. - Doesn’tMatter HadSex - Matt Drayer
Current Record - 3-7, Projected Record - 4-9, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 0%
10. - Colby Top, Jeff Bottom - Neil Bramblett
Current Record - 3-7, Projected Record - 4-9, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 0%
9. - Broullire’s FOMO - Collin Hopf
Current Record - 4-6, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Down 1, Playoff Odds - 5%
8. - Bring Divisions Back - Ben Harbin
Current Record - 5-5, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 9%
7. - Frosted Tips 😎🔥 - Adam Schifter
Current Record - 6-4, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Down 1, Playoff Odds - 56%
-----PLAYOFF LINE-----
6. - Team Ro’Lo - Matt Broullire
Current Record - 6-4, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Down 2, Playoff Odds - 78%
5. - Team Freddy T's Wifi - Colby Grant
Current Record - 6-4, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 79%
4. - Bagels And Brats - Jim Martin
Current Record - 6-4, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - Up 3, Playoff Odds - 84%
3. - Team Cut Like Shredder - Wes Robertson
Current Record - 6-4, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 90%
2. - It Was One Tit, One Time - Mike Elliott
Current Record - 7-3, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 98%
1. - Papa Terry's 2nd Mich Ultra - Brooks Sawyer
Current Record - 7-3, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - >99%
Mike left the Greater-Than Club, Jim ascended greatly, not much else changed.
Week TEN Power Rankings - Adam Can't Hold His Waffles, Mike Can't Audit Fair Trades, and More!
Well today was eventful, wasn't it?? I woke up today in foggy Santa Monica to multiple texts from Michael T. Elliott, CPA asking for my opinion on "the trade." Being that it was 6:30am PST, I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. Once I got up to speed however, I realized he was just mad that Brooks talked Colby into a mildly one-sided trade (and I use the mildly word there very strongly.)
This is Bama complaining that Clemson might gain a leg up in the CFP. Sure, you're both looking to three-peat, but to everyone else it looks like bitchfighting. The rich keep getting richer I suppose. MAGA, am I right? Anyways, people are of course always free to vote on trades however they see fit, and to campaign for others to vote as well, but personally I hold my vote only for clear collusion. The McCaffrey/Mixon trade must never be allowed to happen again.
Speaking of voting... WOW. Who knew folks had such strong opinions on waffle-vomiting?! Especially folks who have zero shot at vomiting said waffles?! Given my proclivity of vomiting when around you guys, I'd think you would WANT me staying in WaHo for the full 24 hours. But overall though, I think Drayer brought it down to Earth appropriately. We were all a little late to the game in finalizing the loser's punishment this year, and votes of this magnitude do need to occur during the offseason. We’ll see how it goes this year and tweak it as we go along.
As for actual football, Colby handled me almost as easily as he handled that Louisville dude’s junk. Anytime Brooks loses is a good time. I hope to somehow continue those good times this week (lololol.) Jim had a good bounce back win against a resurgent Ben. Adam failed just a little bit less than Neil. Mike had nothing to complain about in a near point-doubling win against Broullire, bringing him back down to Earth a little bit. Broullire, you should have learned from Jim. Nobody has a good season right after having a child. It is a law of the Oltman. Finally, Collin took care of business against Drayer, keeping him in my warm comfy cellar while simultaneously failing to escape it fully himself.
Prop bet, which matchup this week has the highest point differential? Me v. Brooks? Mike v. Drayer? Someone else? Sound off in the group chat when you’ve got a guess and we’ll revisit this next week.
Until next week, unless Adam quits the league over something else stupid in the meantime,
-Commish
Onto the rankings: (VERY little movement this week. Mike joined the "greater than 99%" club)
12. - Colby's L'Ville Whistleblower - Jeff Ostenson
Current Record - 1-8, Projected Record - 2-11, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 0%
11. - Doesn’tMatter HadSex - Matt Drayer
Current Record - 2-7, Projected Record - 3-10, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 0%
10. - Colby Top, Jeff Bottom - Neil Bramblett
Current Record - 2-7, Projected Record - 4-9, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 0%
9. - Bring Divisions Back - Ben Harbin
Current Record - 4-5, Projected Record - 5-8, Rank Change - Down 1, Playoff Odds - 2%
8. - Broullire’s FOMO - Collin Hopf
Current Record - 3-6, Projected Record - 5-8, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 5%
7. - Bagels And Brats - Jim Martin
Current Record - 5-4, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 68%
-----PLAYOFF LINE-----
6. - Frosted Tips 😎🔥 - Adam Schifter
Current Record - 6-3, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 71%
5. - Team Freddy T's Wifi - Colby Grant
Current Record - 6-3, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 78%
4. - Team Ro’Lo - Matt Broullire
Current Record - 6-3, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Down 1, Playoff Odds - 79%
3. - Team Cut Like Shredder - Wes Robertson
Current Record - 6-3, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 98%
2. - It Was One Tit, One Time - Mike Elliott
Current Record - 7-2, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - >99%
1. - Papa Terry's 2nd Mich Ultra - Brooks Sawyer
Current Record - 6-3, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - >99%
I gotta board my red-eye flight, so I'm not going back over to italicize/bold everything like normal. Peace out bitches!
Week NINE Power Poll - Just Feels Right
There was a moment last night, after the third consecutive last-minute corner kick for Atlanta United where Brad Guzan was pulled up into the box and the kick still went nowhere where my heart felt at home. All at once, the warm comfort of mediocrity and let-down had finally infiltrated the last bastion of success left in the state of Georgia. This is also how I felt watching my fantasy team fight so hard to lose by 1.4 points to Schifter. In a word, it all just feels right. I'm a lock for the loser's bracket, and a very strong favorite for the punishment. However, I am also a sports team from the state of Georgia, so it's very possible that despite being the favorite, I may let you all down in the end.
Elsewhere, it's a three-way tie of past Oltman winners atop the standings, with Broullire currently with the edge. Have we had a repeat Oltman winner? He looks to become the first back to back champ, whereas all three of them have the chance to be the first three-time champ. Ugh. This is getting a little bit too Bama/Clemson/OSU in here. Thankfully, Wes, Colby, and Schifter(!) are right behind them and have the chance to make things interesting. If I'm going to be eating waffles in honor of one of these guys, I'd rather it be a first-time champ and not a Brooks.
Neil, Collin, Drayer, and I seem like locks for the loser's bracket, now the only question is who's going to join us in the fun. Jim and Ben seem the likeliest candidates, but I'd love to see some shakeups in the middle of the table before all is said and done!
Anyways, Colby's gonna beat my ass as quickly as he did on the draft weekend. But, at least the Dawgs are gonna beat that Florida ass this Saturday! Go Dawgs! Go Colby's L'Ville Whistleblower! Go Team Wes! Onto the rankings.
-Commish
12. - Colby's L'Ville Whistleblower - Jeff Ostenson
Current Record - 1-7, Projected Record - 2-11, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 0%
11. - Doesn’tMatter HadSex - Matt Drayer
Current Record - 2-6, Projected Record - 4-9, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 0%
10. - Colby Top, Jeff Bottom - Neil Bramblett
Current Record - 2-6, Projected Record - 4-9, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 1%
9. - Broullire’s FOMO - Collin Hopf
Current Record - 2-6, Projected Record - 5-8, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 6%
8. - Bring Divisions Back - Ben Harbin
Current Record - 4-4, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 10%
7. - Bagels And Brats - Jim Martin
Current Record - 4-4, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Down 1, Playoff Odds - 52%
-----PLAYOFF LINE-----
6. - Frosted Tips 😎🔥 - Adam Schifter
Current Record - 5-3, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 67%
5. - Team Freddy T's Wifi - Colby Grant
Current Record - 5-3, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 79%
4. - Team Cut Like Shredder - Wes Robertson
Current Record - 5-3, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - Down 1, Playoff Odds - 92%
3. - Team Ro’Lo - Matt Broullire
Current Record - 6-2, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 93%
2. - It Was One Tit, One Time - Mike Elliott
Current Record - 6-2, Projected Record - 10-3, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 99%
1. - Papa Terry's 2nd Mich Ultra - Brooks Sawyer
Current Record - 6-2, Projected Record - 10-3, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - >99%
Week EIGHT Power Poll - I AM THE GREATEST FANTASY PLAYER OF ALL TIME
Okay, let's get one thing straight. My team is hot garbage. My team is the literal modern manifestation of the Valley of Gehenna, where ancient Israelites would perpetually burn their refuse. And yet? AND YET? I beat Drayer.
Ya 'Mish is sitting at 1-6 riding high on a winning streak of one. AS HORRIBLE AS MY TEAM IS, there's a possibility that Drayer's may be worse. And man, I'll ride that high all the way to WaHo. Now there's actually a chance I won't be there to eat, but only to instead watch the newlywed gorge himself on those golden discs of butter and syrup.
I have my doubts about getting any more wins the rest of this season, but I'll always have that glorious Week 7. My bye week hell next week ought to be fun, though. I take on Colby and my starting RBs will be two out of the following three: David Montgomery, Mark Walton, and JD McKissic. Three powerhouses. My team right now literally hinges on Alvin Kamara and Sterling Shepard remaining out. cool cool cool cool cool.
Okay, elsewhere in the league, it seems Brooks is pulling a Patriots and finally rounding into usual form. Awesome. This league was more fun when he was below the line. Nobody wants a three-time-champion Brooks. Nobody. I think his ego may reach Presidential levels at that point. All of the Rest of Season rankings rank his team as a 100 (mine's a 52 for comparison's sake,) so I'm counting on some of you other good teams to do your part and keep his slimy hands off the Oltman. Colby's up first.
Speaking of the other good teams, Broullire is my surprise Most Improved winner at this point in the season. After starting 0-2 like the rest of us cellar-dwellers, he's gone on a tear. He's scored the most Points For in the league, narrowly edging out Wes. However, he still has Mike and Brooks on his remaining schedule going into the playoffs.
Other games of note last week, Adam knocked Colby down another peg. Ben is actually not bad(?) and Neil and Collin are coming down to hang with Drayer and me in the league's sweet sweet basement.
Coming up this week, we have Colby vs. Brooks in a Top 3 matchup. Y'all have got to come up for a rivalry for this game after all of your long long history of collusion over the years. Colby finally learned how to draft his own draft and manage his own team though, so congratulations. I can hear Brooks' presidential ego already saying "NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION!" though, so maybe this should be the Russian Vodka Bowl. Yeah, i probably stretched that metaphor a little too thin, but go fuck yourself.
Adam Sucks,
-Commish
Onto this week's power rankings:
12. - Colby's L'Ville Whistleblower - Jeff Ostenson
Current Record - 1-6, Projected Record - 3-10, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 0%
11. - Doesn’tMatter HadSex - Matt Drayer
Current Record - 1-6, Projected Record - 3-10, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 0%
10. - Colby Top, Jeff Bottom - Neil Bramblett
Current Record - 2-5, Projected Record -5-8, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 5%
9. - Broullire’s FOMO - Collin Hopf
Current Record - 2-5, Projected Record - 5-8, Rank Change - Down 2, Playoff Odds - 17%
8. - Bring Divisions Back - Ben Harbin
Current Record - 4-3, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 26%
7. - Frosted Tips 😎🔥 - Adam Schifter
Current Record - 4-3, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 51%
-----PLAYOFF LINE-----
6. - Bagels And Brats - Jim Martin
Current Record - 4-3, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 60%
5. - Team Freddy T's Wifi - Colby Grant
Current Record - 5-2, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - Down 2, Playoff Odds - 79%
4. - Team Ro’Lo - Matt Broullire
Current Record - 5-2, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 83%
3. - Team Cut Like Shredder - Wes Robertson
Current Record - 4-3, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - Down 2, Playoff Odds - 85%
2. - It Was One Tit, One Time - Mike Elliott
Current Record - 5-2, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - Up 2, Playoff Odds - 96%
1. - Papa Terry's 2nd Mich Ultra - Brooks Sawyer
Current Record - 5-2, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 98%
Week SEVEN Power Poll - Sorry, Not Sorry
Yeahhh, your 'mish skipped Week 6. Losing to Ben sucked. Losing to Broullire after Diggs got me 40 points off the bat was worse. Losing to Drayer will be devastating. But thems the breaks when you're cursed. My only solace is that Drayer could steal the WaHo Challenge right out from under me, and while QUITE unlikely, there's still the possibility of Brooks missing the playoffs. A broken man may dream, am I right?
It doesn't help that everyone plays their best game against me too. If I took the average of the points against Colby and compared it to my average points for per game, I'd be 6-0. "But this sport isn't about averages! Wahh!" I can hear Brooks already bitching. Well, if I look at our two actual schedules week to week, I'd be 4-2 and tied for second had I played Colby's schedule. All I'm saying is that this is a weird ass sport and the oblong ball bounces funny sometimes. This is my year for shithood. Next year could be yours, dear reader. Time to start channeling my inner 2009 or whenever, when I started 0-6 and made the finals on the back of Timmy Tebow.
Elsewhere in the league, Adam had the chance to keep Brooks below the line and blew it. So... I guess you're probably too cool for that too aren't you Schifter? Mike's team has almost reached Super Saiyan, and with the trade raping of Jim (after the fantasy raping last week,) I fear it may be too late for the rest of us. Colby continues to excel against the soft bigotry of low expectations. Don't worry Drayer, you're up against me this week so 150pts incoming. Lastly, Ben lost Dissly for the season, so I guess his team is just The Shits now. Slide into my DMs bro, Greg Olsen's on the block and he's got Scam returning.
Collin, Wes, no real fun storylines from your matchup. Collin was 2nd place at one point, but he's slid down the stairs to the cellar with me and Drayer. Cheesedick, you're gonna get bounced from your own wedding. That's it. That's the joke.
Onto the updated Power Rankings brought to you by "Jeff's-Never-Renewing-His-Subscription" FantasyPros:
---------Power Rankings----------
12. - Colby's L'Ville Whistleblower - Jeff Ostenson
Current Record - 0-6, Projected Record - 3-10, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 0%
11. - Doesn’tMatter HadSex - Matt Drayer
Current Record - 1-5, Projected Record - 4-9, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 1%
10. - Colby Top, Jeff Bottom - Neil Bramblett
Current Record - 2-4, Projected Record -5-8, Rank Change - Down 3, Playoff Odds - 7%
9. - Dissly and the Shits - Ben Harbin
Current Record - 3-3, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 14%
8. - Frosted Tips 😎🔥 - Adam Schifter
Current Record - 3-3, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 34%
7. - Broullire’s FOMO - Collin Hopf
Current Record - 2-4, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Down 3, Playoff Odds - 44%
-----PLAYOFF LINE-----
6. - Bagels And Brats - Jim Martin
Current Record - 4-2, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Down 1, Playoff Odds - 58%
5. - Team Ro’Lo - Matt Broullire
Current Record - 4-2, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Up 2, Playoff Odds - 69%
4. - It Was One Tit, One Time - Mike Elliott
Current Record - 4-2, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - Down 2, Playoff Odds - 88%
3. - Team Freddy T's Wifi - Colby Grant
Current Record - 5-1, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - Down 2, Playoff Odds - 93%
2. - Papa Terry's 2nd Mich Ultra - Brooks Sawyer
Current Record - 4-2, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - Up 4, Playoff Odds - 96%
1. - Team Cut Like Shredder - Wes Robertson
Current Record - 4-2, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - Up 2, Playoff Odds - 96%
Here. We. Go.
-Commish
Week FIVE Power Poll - no, NOW's when my great comeback begins
Nine weeks left, gentlemen and Wes. I look forward to updating this note at that time sitting at 9-4. Yep, that's right. Calling it now, 9-game winning streak coming up. Jameis let me down out of the gate, but the Crab Leg King is back and is rockin' Bruce Arian's system now. He's looking to assault your teams like he possibly didn't but definitely did assault that girl in college and that female uber driver last year. Gurley's rounding out to his former self, and soon he'll be hurdling folks even if he has to do it one-legged.
(Disclaimer: I'm about 90% full of shit.)
You guys don't read these LM Notes to hear my false bravado about my god-awful team though. Elsewhere in the league, Collin challenged Mike to the League's first ever official rivalry game, and then proceeded to get pantsed 121-63. Enjoy the rum, Big Mike. I'd love for more folks to challenge each other to side bets to make things more interesting. Once my team shows it has a chance of not being fucking terrible, I may challenge someone to a side bet rivalry.
I gotta say, as a relative outsider who's just trying to avoid the SAT who's looking in observing this year of the league, it's been fascinating. Colby's got a stronger stranglehold on 1st place than he did on Jim's neck, Jim and Mike are battling for second place, and then most folks are sitting at 2-2. Brooks is beatable, especially while Saquon is out for a lil bit longer, Drayer(!) is slumming it up near the cellar with me and Ben. All in all, a very irregular, very interesting year in the Oltman so far.
Broullire - the onus falls onto you now to take Colby down a peg. Channel all of your newfound dad-bod strength and take him down.
Mike - you're welcome for Chubb. Damn. I thought i was selling him high, then he went and got higher than Wes at a 311 concert on 4/20. Chubb for Heisman.
If I'm not mentioning you in these posts, I'm sorry. Your team just hasn't done anything interesting.
I gotta start somewhere, and where better than with #11. Gunnin' for ya Big Ben,
-Commish
---------Power Rankings----------
12. - Colby's L'Ville Whistleblower - Jeff Ostenson
Current Record - 0-4, Projected Record - 3-10, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 2%
11. - FuckingCatalina WineMixon - Matt Drayer
Current Record - 1-3, Projected Record - 5-8, Rank Change - Down 2, Playoff Odds - 10%
10. - Dissly and the Shits - Ben Harbin
Current Record - 1-3, Projected Record - 5-8, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 14%
9. - Frosted Tips 😎🔥 - Adam Schifter
Current Record - 2-2, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Down 3, Playoff Odds - 34%
8. - Colby Top, Jeff Bottom - Neil Bramblett
Current Record - 2-2, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 41%
7. - Team Ro’Lo - Matt Broullire
Current Record - 2-2, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 44%
-----PLAYOFF LINE-----
6. - Papa Terry's 2nd Mich Ultra - Brooks Sawyer
Current Record - 2-2, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Up 5, Playoff Odds - 46%
5. - Bagels And Brats - Jim Martin
Current Record - 3-1, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 62%
4. - Broullire’s FOMO - Collin Hopf
Current Record - 2-2, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Down 1, Playoff Odds - 71%
3. - Team Cut Like Shredder - Wes Robertson
Current Record - 2-2, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 87%
2. - It Was One Tit, One Time - Mike Elliott
Current Record - 3-1, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - Down 1, Playoff Odds - 94%
1. - Team Freddy T's Wifi - Colby Grant
Current Record - 4-0, Projected Record - 9-4, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 95%
Week FOUR Power Poll - Man... Damnit Gurley
1.2 points. Gurley couldn't get me an extra 12 yards. Or an extra catch for 7 yards. Or really anything above 5 total fantasy points. Welp, I'm 0-3. The worst part is? I don't even have any excuses like injuries, suspensions, or Antonio Browns. My team just blows all on its own.
Colby's up top, just like we all predicted in the offseason. And the long-haired wonder ain't slowin down either. He knocked Wes down another peg and made him just angry enough to take it out on me this week, so that's great.
Who had Drayer and Brooks both being bottom 4? This is shaping up to be one crazy year. I'm actually excited that we may get a new name on the Oltman AND Brooks may reclaim the Kim. Exciting times, indeed.
Man, Collin really destroyed Brooks didn't he? I think every player on his team except the kicker got a touchdown last week. One hundred and eighty seven points. Geeeez.
Broullire - good job escaping the basement. I'll miss you.
I don't have time this week for a full type-up, so I will just be pasting the results from FantasyPros below.
---------Power Rankings----------
1 It Was One Tit, One Time 2-1 8-5 +4 91%
2 Team Freddy T's Wifi 3-0 8-5 -1 89%
3 Broullire’s FOMO 2-1 8-5 +1 81%
4 Mem Tennekee Hood Plants 1-2 7-6 +6 75%
5 Bagels And Brats 2-1 7-6 -2 55%
6 Frosted Tips 😎🔥 2-1 6-7 -- 47%
7 Team Ro’Lo 1-2 6-7 +1 45%
8 Colby Top Jeff Bottom 2-1 6-7 -6 44%
9 FuckingCatalina WineMixon 1-2 5-8 -- 23%
10 Just Trust The Bots 1-2 5-8 +1 22%
11 Papa Terry's 2nd Mich Ultra 1-2 5-8 -4 21%
12 Googlin' SAT Prep Sites 0-3 4-9 -- 6%
Gah, please let me beat Wes,
-Commish
Week THREE Power Poll - It's Russell Hall Room 706's World and We're All Just Living In It
Does anybody know how long it takes a curse to wear off after removing the source? Neil - has your Binford curse worn off yet? Just want to see how long I'll have to suffer.
Thankfully, I'm not suffering alone. Matt Broullire joins me in pulling the fantasy-football-equivalent-of-Tennessee and starting out 0-2. Perhaps the curse of having the Oltman was rebounding toward him as the curse of not having her.
Elsewhere in the more successful corners of the league, Neil continues to do exactly what's asked of him by winning, and although he rises in today's polls, FantasyPros still ain't givin him respect and have him below the line. I don't write the rules, and clearly seeing as how I drafted using FantasyPros' rankings, perhaps they shouldn't write the rules either.
Mike pulled it out last night (something Kelley's never said) by actively wishing Nick Chubb to get injured, so, hopefully that comes back to bite him in the ass.
Ben's bots finally began playing like, well, bots and as such gave Drayer his first win of the season. Ben likewise has found a new spot on the power poll, and much like Jim under Colby (or a cow,) he'll probably stay under me for awhile.
Adam beat Wes by 0.1. literally Julio falling forward 3 feet gave Adam the win. Never thought I'd be saying this about Cheese but good job on knocking the frontrunner down a peg, Adam!
Finally, let's all bow down to our new overlord, Colby Grant. Clearly, the longer his hair grows and the more gay guys that do lines of blow off of his chest, the better at fantasy he gets. Next person to see Colby, please go full Delilah-on-Sampson on him and snip those locks. I honestly think I'd quit the league if Colby's name gets on the Oltman before mine.
Now to the rankings:
12. - Just Trust The Bots - Ben Harbin
Current Record - 1-1, Projected Record - 5-8, Rank Change - Down 3, Playoff Odds - 13%
11. - Cow Top, Jim Bottom - Jeff Ostenson
Current Record - 0-2, Projected Record - 5-8, Rank Change - SAME, Playoff Odds - 26%
10. - Team Ro’Lo - Matt Broullire
Current Record - 0-2, Projected Record - 5-8, Rank Change - Down 2, Playoff Odds - 26%
9. - Frosted Tips 😎🔥 - Adam Schifter
Current Record - 1-1, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Down 3, Playoff Odds - 37%
8. - Colby Top, Jeff Bottom - Neil Bramblett
Current Record - 2-0, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Up 4, Playoff Odds - 39%
7. - FuckingCatalina WineMixon - Matt Drayer
Current Record - 1-1, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Up 3, Playoff Odds - 44%
-----PLAYOFF LINE-----
6. - Broullire’s FOMO - Collin Hopf
Current Record - 1-1, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Down 3, Playoff Odds - 50%
5. - Bagels And Brats - Jim Martin
Current Record - 1-1, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Down 3, Playoff Odds - 66%
4. - Papa Terry's 2nd Mich Ultra - Brooks Sawyer
Current Record - 1-1, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Up 3, Playoff Odds - 72%
3. - It Was One Tit, One Time - Mike Elliott
Current Record - 1-1, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Up 2, Playoff Odds - 72%
2. - Mem Tennekee Hood Plants - Cheesedick Robertson
Current Record - 1-1, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - Down 1, Playoff Odds - 76%
1. - Team Freddy T's Wifi - Colby Grant
Current Record - 2-0, Projected Record - 8-5, Rank Change - Up 3, Playoff Odds - 79%
Jim - I'm going to violate you worse than Colby. Even worse than Georgia's about to violate the Irish.
Onwards to Week 3!
-Commish
Week Two Power Poll - Uhh... What?
Ouch. Last week was a wake up call for a lot of us. Mike and I battled for lowest possible score, where I won handily. Neil, who's drafted team was FantasyPro's least favorite, dispatched Brooks' favored team with ease. Jim and WES(!) battled for highest score of the week. Needless to say, topsy turvy.
While Brooks waits with bated breath on news of Antonio Brown's latest escapes, I figured I'd use this space to post FantasyPro's latest power rankings of our league. These rankings are strictly based on their projections of who they think will make the playoffs and who won't. That's based off of the players on your team, the players on everybody else's teams, our league settings, etc. I gotta say, after one week's results, they're pretty wacky. But we will see!
12. - Colby Top, Jeff Bottom - Neil Bramblett
Current Record - 1-0, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Down 11, Playoff Odds - 29%
11. - The Jinx of the Unearned Oltman - Jeff Ostenson
Current Record - 0-1, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Down 4, Playoff Odds - 31%
10. - FuckingCatalina WineMixon - Matt Drayer
Current Record - 0-1, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Even, Playoff Odds - 32%
9. - Just Trust The Bots - Ben Harbin
Current Record - 1-0, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Down 4, Playoff Odds - 41%
8. - Team Ro’Lo - Matt Broullire
Current Record - 0-1, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 45%
7. - Papa Terry's 2nd Mich Ultra - Brooks Sawyer
Current Record - 0-1, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Up 1, Playoff Odds - 51%
-----PLAYOFF LINE-----
6. - Frosted Tips 😎🔥 - Adam Schifter
Current Record - 0-1, Projected Record - 6-7, Rank Change - Up 6, Playoff Odds - 52%
5. - It Was One Tit, One Time - Mike Elliott
Current Record - 0-1, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Up 6, Playoff Odds - 57%
4. - Team Freddy T's Wifi - Colby Grant
Current Record - 1-0, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Down 2, Playoff Odds - 60%
3. - Broullire’s FOMO - Collin Hopf
Current Record - 1-0, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Up 3, Playoff Odds - 60%
2. - Bagels And Brats - Jim Martin
Current Record - 1-0, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Up 2, Playoff Odds - 71%
1. - Mangina China - Cheesedick Robertson
Current Record - 1-0, Projected Record - 7-6, Rank Change - Up 2, Playoff Odds - 71%
That's all she wrote. Wes is the pinnacle of success in this league, and somehow the bots think Neil is worse than me. HAPPY WEEK TWO EVERYBODY!!!
-Commish
Draft Recap
Draft weekend was a blast. BEST DRAFT EVER. Matt Broullire was not missed, Jim and Colby are in a semi-committed relationship though it's mostly physical, Wes's toe is fucked, Wes's dad is Neil's best wingman, and everybody's fingers hurt from opening over 200 beer cans during Beer Ball.
In fantasy news, Mike may have squandered yet another first round pick, Broullire drafted Zeke's backup's backup, and Ben's robots drafted an absolutely-horrible-yet-somehow-still-better-than-Neil's-team team.
Week 1 is 17 days away. Juuuuussstttt enough time for Antonio Brown to fuck Brooks over due to wanting a leather helmet, Zeke Elliott to retire, and Todd Gurley to get a bionic robot knee. Let's do this. Collin, your ass is mine. But not in a "Colby out on the town" sort of way.
-Commish