[Week 5] Fuckin' hell, Gabe Davis
Way to be a sack of bullshit for a third week in a row. I've now lost back to back to Collin and Drayer, and similar to how the Dawgs played against Mizzou - - one bad game is an anomaly, two is a trend and fellas my team is trending downward. Mine and Drayer's matchup was definitely the Dickslapfest GotW, marking my second straight wiener war and Drayer's 2nd overall.
I really thought this was a playoff year for me, maybe more. But prospects aren't looking great and Broullire comes to town to skullfuck me this week. Thanks MB.
Elsewhere in the league - - Our dear Mr. Hopf shocked the nation with a second solid week, earning himself an epileptic squirrel for the first time since 2020 (before the award was created.) With that win he kept Broullire down in the cellar in a 3-way tie for last place. Know who else is down there? Jim, after losing to Absentee Ben this past week. 3-ways? being tied up? Jim should feel right at home (at least if you asked him in college.) Wes gave a big middle finger to my prediction of Colby taking advantage of him and pinched off a tight one. His 0.72 point marginal win is the closest match since Week 7 of last year. Strangely
Brooks
was not involved this time. Instead, Da Pirate plundered
Brooks
' booty, despite trying his damndest to give the match away there near the end. And finally, Neil got a win and escaped the cellar! He also pantsed Mike in the process, earning Mike his first loss of the season and the JMHM for the week.
Speaking of Neil though, the Nerd Report has a few thoughts. The Nerd Report really loves giving me stats about Neil for some reason. Neil's point total through 4 weeks (357.97) is the lowest four week total since Wes in 2020. The difference though? Wes was 0-4, Neil is 2-2, so ya boi Butters is finding a way to win. Neil is also now the only man to not have had a week scoring in the top half of the league. It sure would be an inopportune time for his first round draft pick to get an ankle injury, that's for sure...
Moving onto this week...
As I said before, Broullire's coming to town and he looks angrier than Gisele watching Tom play football. He takes me behind the woodshed, MB on top. Is... Drayer's team good now? TBD. It's certainly not as historically bad as I thought (Neil might have taken that title lol.) Drayer's team IS however worse than Ben's. The Missing Man stays in the attic with a win and also earns himself a squirrel, Ben on top. Y'all, I think we need to come to grips with the fact that Collin may be good this year. He's certainly better than Wes. Sake Bois on top. Mike/Jim always provides entertainment, and honestly even with Mike in the attic and predicted to win, I've got a weird feeling here. Jim shocks the world and gets on top. Da Pirate has
Cooper Kupp
. Colby is starting
Jared Goff
. Provided that
Tom Brady
isn't too distracted, Da Pirate sails the seven seas. Finally,
Brooks
and Neil. Eek.
Brooks
is collecting infinity stones whereas Neil is that first planet where Thanos killed half the population.
Brooks
snaps his finger, Neil blips . Sorry buddy.
as for the projected awards, I believe:
As I said up above, Ben's been hunting for his second squirrel, and I think he finally finds it.
I mean... I don't love my team and how they're playing right now. If someone else was writing this post, I'd understand if I were the pick here. But I'm writing this post and fuck that shit. Neil Motherfuckin
Rush
Bramblett is workin' retail this week.
Oh man, there is certainly the potential for weirdness in mine and Broullire's matchup, and I could see Wes and Collin tusslin', but man - - weird shit happens when Mike and Jim play. I think Jim pulls Mike down into the mud and fucks around.
As for the Dawgs, I'm tired of predicting a dominant run game and easy win only for us to fuck around. But this week isn't the last two weeks and Kirby and Stetson hate Auburn almost as much as me. Kirby also loves collecting coaching scalps and he's gotta be pissed that he won't get Geoff
Collins
'. Fuck these motherfuckers, Dawgs beat that ass and Bryan Harsin gets fired on Sunday. Dawgs on top 52-3.
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Five
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+2). It's A
Love
Story 3-1 9-5 83% 19%
2(+0). Ben Has A Bengina 3-1 8-6 79% 17%
3(-2). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 3-1 8-6 71% 14%
4(+3). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 2-2 7-7 58% 11%
5(+6). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 2-2 7-7 55% 6%
6(+4). Collin's Crusty Sock Lord 2-2 7-7 52% 5%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-3). Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot 2-2 7-7 49% 8%
8(+4). TheCurse Continued 2-2 7-7 37% 4%
9(-4).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 1-3 6-8 35% 6%
10(-4). Waffle Champ 1-3 6-8 30% 4%
11(-3). Collin's A VVeiner Sniffer 1-3 6-8 29% 4%
12(-3). Mike's Anthro -pariophobia 2-2 6-8 23% 3%
This would put:
Ben and
Brooks
in the Oltman Bowl.
and
Jim and Neil in the Waffle Bowl.
