[Week 6] I'll take a double on the rocks, please
Well, well, well - - it appears Mr.
Gabriel Davis
has himself a bit of a
Stetson Bennett
complex. The moment I tell him he's trash and consider benching him, he comes out and completely puts my team on his shoulders, earning me either two semi-good bottles or one very good bottle of bourbon from Señor Broullire. Let's be honest though, I ain't seeing those bottles anytime soon and I'm sure by the time next year rolls around we'll be going quadruple or nothing. I couldn't have done it without my second biggest scorer in Danny Big Balls
Carlson
though. By far the coolest person to ever come out of Auburn. A hat tip to you, good sir. Our matchup however wound up just being yet another boring 100ish to 100ish type of affair that we've all become accustomed to. The real entertainment came elsewhere in the league. Let's dig in - -
My body's willing and I'm ready to admit it - - Collin Hopf is good at fantasy football this year. Yung Hopf (ps - Jim, that's not actually how "young" is spelled) came in like a wrecking ball against Cheese and stole his second straight Edgar right out from under Ben's floppy bengina, despite his passcatchers being ass on the day. This is Collin's 10th all time Edgar award (dating back even before the epileptic squirrel was born) which brings him to 5th all time in Squirrel Huntin'. I, for one, welcome our new illiterate overlord and would actively cheer for Collin against anybody currently residing in the attic. Speaking of the attic, it stayed unchanged as Ben kept a surging Drayer at bay. Mike and Jim were well on their way to slappin' dicks like I predicted, until
Davante Adams
went off on Mon and Mike slammed Jim to the ground as if he was a photographer just doing his job. No, Mike and Jim did not have a wiener war, that honor resided with Neil and
Brooks
. Butters grabbed ole Ballsack and taught him a thing or two about fuckin around and finding out, but ultimately still came up short, earning him what is surprisingly his first and only JMHM for the season thus far.
Speaking of Neil - - the Nerd Report remained largely unchanged this week (Neil's still not had a top half scoring week, Broullire still sucks in closest matchups, etc. etc.) But continuing the theme from last week of comparing Neil historically (again, sorry buddy... but you're good content.) Neil's 5 week score of 439.12 is the lowest five week total since 2017, when both Ben and Jim topped(bottomed?) him at 394.98 and 415.01 respectively. Keepin' some pretty legit company there ole friend. Somehow, someway, you're still above the cellar and sitting at 8th in the standings.
Moving onto this week...
Absentee Ben finds his way home to battle Big Fudge, and while I feel like this one may get closer than anybody would expect, I presume Ben to pull his best Bama impression and pull away late like he meant to all along. Bitchboy Ben on top. Broullire's gotta be due for some good luck one of these days, right? Thankfully, he's got Wes this week and while FPros has them one point away in this week's power rankings, I don't think it's that close and he takes it to the cheesemeister. MB on top. Drayer and Mike just got a whole lot more interesting with
Davante Adams
getting arrested ( editor's note: I forgot he's on BYE anyways.) I can't believe I'm predicting this, but Drayer shoots at the attic and hits. Drayer on top. Stephen/Collin is must-see TV. Steve's on top of the power rankings this week but Collin is literally right beneath him. I hate pickin' against Da Pirate but Collin continues his streak and sinks his battleship. Rebellions are built on hopf. Collin on top . Ahhh, Jim and
Brooks
. one of these teams is good. That team doesn't belong to Jim.
Brooks
nails him harder than Coop, Ballsack teabags. Finally, Colby and Neil is also must-see TV but for very very different reasons. Neil doesn't amberheard the bed this time though and keeps the waffle bitch in the cellar. Butters on top.
as for the projected awards, I believe:
This is Collin's world and we're all just living in it. Hopf reigns supreme with his third straight squirrel.
This is definitely between Colby and Jim, and I'm gonna say that like a Louisville whore, Colby edges just a little bit harder.
Neil's basically a streaker at this point. Keep that pecker loose, Butters, you and Colby are swordfightin'.
Dawgs finally did the thing on the ground and ran all over Auburn. Who needs a quarterback with two healthy shoulders anyways? Dawgs rest anybody with a papercut (minus Stetson *shrug*) and get off to another slow start that puts Mike,
Brooks
, and Drayer on suicide watch, but ultimately it's fuckin' Vandy. 35-10, Dawgs rest up while we all start randomly worrying about AR15. Bonus pick - - Bama stays Bama and crushes the hillbilly's fever dreams.
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Six
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+0). It's A
Love
Story 4-1 9-5 86% 20%
2(+0). Ben Has A Bengina 4-1 9-5 85% 17%
3(+2). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 3-2 8-6 78% 14%
4(-1). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 4-1 8-6 75% 13%
5(-1). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 3-2 8-6 73% 13%
6(+1). Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot 3-2 7-7 54% 7%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-1). Collin's Crusty Sock Lord 2-3 7-7 45% 6%
8(+0). TheCurse Continued 2-3 6-8 29% 3%
9(+3). Stetson IV Heisman 2-3 6-8 25% 2%
10(-1).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 1-4 6-8 24% 3%
11(-1). Waffle Champ 1-4 5-9 16% 2%
12(-1). Collin's A VVeiner Sniffer 1-4 5-9 10% 1%
This would put:
Ben and
Brooks
in the Oltman Bowl.
and
Colby and Jim in the Waffle Bowl.
