[Post-Draft] Welcome to the Thunderdome, Bitches
*knuckles cracking*
Ah shit, here we go again.
Just like the twelve of us walking into General's and ordering Dixieland Sweet Teas, we're officially back, motherfuckers. Hopefully this season isn't as weird as the vibe was in General's though. Seriously, who let all these fuckin' babies into OUR bars? They don't even know how to hit Bourbon Street Power Hour appropriately. Fuckin' children.
Oh well, I am excited for this season of fantasy. I know that that's going to last for only about 3 more weeks, but still. Just like an 18-year-old bartender pouring casino royale shots for Neil, I fully intend to take advantage of all of you. Just like Wes trying to use an ATM at Toppers, you're all going to fail miserably. I'm just hoping that all season long I feel more indestructible like I did Saturday night in my leopard print tuxedo than fully-destroyed like I felt Sunday morning after hungoverly somehow killing the battery in both of my cars. Let's just say I'm heading into this season with more confidence than Neil or Collin with a karaoke mic in their hands, and that's saying something.
Onto my favorite post-draft tradition, shitting on everybody's team names in the context of FantasyPros' Draft Day Rankings. LET'S BEGIN:
1.) Ben Has A Bengina - Brooksy Sawyer
This is one of my favorite team names in recent history, even if it obnoxiously belongs to
Brooks
. The fact that his team icon is still ballsack aladdin makes this name that much stronger. Ben does, in fact, have a bengina. that's just science. Also, fuckin
Brooks
coming in first in the draft ratings makes me question why the hell I even do this.
2.) Waffle Champ - Colby
Grant
Who the fuck had "Colby actually does the waffle house challenge" on their bingo card?! That one was a major shock to me, and based on the lack of bodily harm he seemingly endured, I still have questions about whether or not every waffle was consumed. That shit wrecked my system (ironically because that's the one thing I couldn't do,) for at least a week. But alas, with no contrarian proof, I am forced to congratulate Colby for actually sacking up and knocking it out unlike a certain tiny-wienered leaguemate.
3.) **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** - Collin Hopf
I'd add jokes here if I thought Collin could actually read them. That being said, I'm a fan of the "boiz" format after the success I had with my Tortilla Fight Boiz, so well done, Hopf. If Collin actually winds up in 3rd place though I will legitimately eat a hat.
4.) Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot - Jeff Ostenson
So I changed my team name after draft weekend. I loved jimnoballs but a) I sure as shit don't want to repeat the curse of the jim team name from last year and b) Wes' bucket pong shots were making me giggle a solid 7 days after the draft. Wes, you're a good team sport. Just never ask to watch Katherine's live birth ever again.
5.) Booty Eaters Anonymous - Neil Bramblett (lol jk this is Wes Robertson who else would it be)
Wesley
eatin' that ass. Also, coming in strong above the playoff line coming off the draft. If I wouldn't have made the dumbass slapbet with Drayer, I'd be rooting for you to fuck shit up in the league this year. Instead though, I hope you fail at every endeavor you attempt.
6.) You Just Got CPAP'd - Neil Bramblett
Yeah... I don't know that I'm allowed to make any CPAP jokes after I clearly demonstrated that I should probably start using one. Sorry again,
Brooks
. Neil's taking that Bane energy into the season. We all merely adopted the butters life. He was born into it, molded by it.
-----------PLAYOFF LINE-----------
7.) Jim Can't Spell - Matt Drayer
Truer words have never been spoken. Neither Jim nor Wes can spell. That was entertaining and we absolutely should make real spelling bees a tiebreaker going into the future. Drayer being below the line is a bit of a surprise here, but I'd be more surprised if that lasts too long.
8.) HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood - Mike
Elliott
Damn that's a long team name, but it absolutely hits. What winds up longer, Mike's team name or his winning streak this season? I guess we'll find out in a couple weeks.
9.)
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem - Matt Broullire
It's rare to keep the same name from the draft into the season, and it's even more rare to have a non-league-related name, but Broullire accomplishes both here. Is it any surprise to anybody that MB is referencing hot older women with his team name? Broullire, you cougar-hunter, you. FWIW I think you need to add an accompanying image to your team now. The whole league will thank you for it.
10.) let me think of a team name... - Stephen Robison
For the third season in a row, Stephen just bends over and accepts whatever team name I give him at the beginning of the season and rolls with it. Stephen is basically the guy who moves into a dorm room and leaves it completely empty - no futon, no posters, no curtains. Half of you wonders if he even lives there, the other half assumes he's a serial killer. Stevie over here livin' the minimalist lifestyle. If he's this content with having his team name set for him though, I motion a vote to hold a vote in the text on his team name. I'll open it up to suggestions and we'll collectively set his shit.
11.) Collin's a VVeiner Sniffer - Jim Martin
Jim coming in strong in the naming department even if not in the team rankings department. Collin's a VVeiner Sniffer has the dual benefit of a) getting around ESPN's blockers and b) forcing the reader to use a german accent to say "Veiner" which IMO is more fun anyways. With so many other names referencing shit that happened on the draft though, I do wonder what happened to make Jim name his team this. Is there a story here?!
and rounding things out at
12.) It's a Love Story - Benjamin Harbin
It's certainly not a love story between FantasyPros and Ben's draft. As much as we all enjoyed him being there in person, he may have been better off leaving himself on autodraft again.
And that's all she wrote, gentlemen and Wes. The next LM Note will come prior to Week 1, although I'm officially giving myself permission to not be as timely as usual because by that point I'll have a crying, pooping addition to the household. I am also putting out the call to anybody who might want to ghost-write an LM Note or two. It'd be super fun to feature more members of the league here, even if it's just as simple as
Brooks
and Drayer posting some nerdy stats or something. Just lemme know if you're interested.
Until that point though.....
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish
