[Week 2] Drayer... Buddy... Yikes.
I tell y'all what, these things are a whole lot easier to write after a win than after a loss. If I go back in time on mikelilpp.com and look at old LM Notes (esp. 2019 and early 2021) I'm kinda a whiny bitch when I'm losing at fantasy football.
----Correct that, I'm kinda a whiny bitch all of the time, but at least after a win I combine that with unbridled optimism and arrogant confidence. You're welcome, league.
Man oh man, what a week one. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty proud that my game predictions all came true. The only prediction that didn't come through is I had GroupChatBitchBen slotted down for the Jim Martin,
Hollister
Model but Drayer came on through and fucked everything up (more on that below.) Outside of a few massive outliers though, everybody had a pretty damn good week. Anytime that 75% of the league scores triple diggies is a good week overall, so congratulations y'all!
-----actually, I just got word from the resident number-crunching nerds that this was our lowest Week 1 average score since 2017. That surprises the hell out of me, but I suppose when you have a curve buster like Matt Drayer factored in, you're gonna have a bad time.
Let's review the games from last week:
Jeff v. Colby / 121.44 - 106.94 - - - HEY GUYS! Colby forgot to set a Tight End. Can you believe it? No seriously, are you surprised? Colby, I know I was the beneficiary this time but my God man, set your damn lineup. This isn't some bullshit work or family league, we've been at this for twelve years now. I want to let you know that
Brooks
very much wants to establish a punishment for failing to set a lineup and you're inching me closer and closer to putting that up for a vote. In other news,
Trey Lance
sucks.
Jim v. Neil / 89.47 - 73.23 - - - Called it! Jim and Neil whipped them out and played some tummy sticks, with Jim juuust inching Neil out (literally.) Yikes guys. You both would've been in the running for Jim's namesake award if Drayer hadn't straight Amber Heard'ed the bed, so instead y'all will just have to settle for taking home last week's Dickslapfest Game o' the Week. Congratulations.
Collin v.
Brooks
/ 112.59 - 116.04 - - - What is it with
Brooks
and winning closer matchups? He's like the anti-
Scott
Frost. If it's a one-score game,
Brooks
is coming out on top. I guess the drama queen just has a flair for the theatrics. As much as I love "Ben Has a Bengina" and the accompanying gif, I gotta say I miss calling
Brooks
"Ballsack." Maybe I'll just bring it back for shits and gigs. Anyways, Ballsack overcame
Josh Allen
's big Thursday with his big bets CMC and
Michael Thomas
paying off.
Drayer v. Stephen / 59.13 - 110.87 - - - Drayer, my God. That was kinda hard to watch. Drayer startin' 2022 super strong coming close to the Top 10 Lowest Weekly Score list right out of the gate. Needless to say, MD took home the Jim Martin,
Hollister
Model . Hell, that shit practically moved heaven and earth to get into Drayer's hands as if he were Thor calling Mjolnir. We all knew it was bad when
Akers
was a no-show on Thursday, but I get the feeling Drayer watched the rest of the weekend like this:
To the best of my data, that was the second worst opening score ever (Wes scored 57.63 in Week 1 2020.) Until proven otherwise, I'm slating Drayer in for the projected Waffle Bowl. Who knows though? Maybe Captain
Kirk Cousins
can move some syrupy mountains for him? I can tell you, Drayer would indeed "like that."
(I'd be remiss if I made that paragraph all about Drayer. Stevie had himself a solid week with
Kupp
and AJB doing
Kupp
and AJB things. That goose egg from Devonta kinda sucks though.)
Speaking of the Waffle Bowl, we have their favorite competitor next...
Mike v. Broullire / 146.09 - 102.47 - - - Wait, what's that? You say this was actually the highest scoring matchup of the week? You're saying that Mike actually won the Edgar ?! Will this be merely a glimmer of hope in an otherwise barren wasteland of despair? Or is Mike in line to party like it's 2014/2017? Time shall tell. On the other side of the coin, Broullire looks to have a fairly solid team, and you have to imagine he'll get more play out of
Pitts
and
Thielen
(FUCK THAT GUY.)
Ben v. Wes / 100.42 - 106.29 - - - Finally, we arrive at needledick vs cheesedick. (Sorry Ben, the nicknames continue until you rejoin the group chat.) Had Jim and Neil not dicked around so much, these yahoos would've taken home the DSFGotW but otherwise it was just a lil prissy party. Wes had the second-worst luck this week with both
Eli Mitchell
and
Keenan Allen
going down. Ben on the other hand just had
Stafford
,
Jacobs
,
Knox
, and
Robinson
all straight up shit the bed. Saquon and Stefon did all they could to hold up the
Love
Stories but there was just too much suck to handle. Questions need answering, fellas.
Onto this week's matchups...
Fresh off his tummysticks, Jim takes a shot at the 'mish, but unfortunately for him I do my best Wrasslin' Colby impression and I wind up on top. Colby and Collin tussle, and while it'll be close I think Colby wins and Collin goes fishin'. Neil's team isn't bad. It isn't wonderful but it definitely isn't bad. It sure as SHIT is better than Drayer's team. Neil on top of the GDGDI. Now, Broullire/
Brooks
is an interesting one. ESPN has them neck and neck, FantasyPros has them neck and neck, sorry
Brooks
but I'm calling the upset. MB takes Week 2. Da Pirate and Ben are also neck and neck, but I'm picking Da Pirate to continue his plundering, for reasons I'll disclose in the group chat later. Finally, Big Dick Mikelilpp comes up against the second worst team in the league and absolutely throws his penis weight around against Wes. In case that metaphor broke down, I'm picking Mike to beat Wes.
as for the projected awards, I believe:
Mike was a fun surprise last week, let's keep that up and choose Matthew Broullire to take the epileptic squirrel down to JAX.
Until proven otherwise, this award belongs to Matthew Drayer. All he has to do is score less than 31.15 one of these weeks and we get to rename the award in his honor.
Sorry Neil, you can't zip your pants up yet. You're goin' dickslappin' again. Neil/Drayer just has such RICH potential for tomfoolery. Gentlemen and Wes, I give you your DSFGotW.
Gettin' this in just in time for TNF, the new Papa 'Mish way. For the Dawgs, they spank SoCar,
Kendall Milton
runs for 150+, Dajun breaks a big one. Dawgs on top 42-14.
Everybody enjoy texting in the group! (fuck you Ben.)
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Two
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+1). Ben Has A Bengina 1-0 8-6 70% 13%
2(+4). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 1-0 8-6 68% 13%
3(+2). Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot 1-0 8-6 64% 11%
4(+8). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 1-0 7-7 59% 10%
5(+5). Collin's A VVeiner Sniffer 1-0 7-7 53% 8%
6(+5). It's A
Love
Story 0-1 7-7 49% 8%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+1).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 0-1 7-7 48% 8%
8(-1). Booty Eaters Anonymous 1-0 7-7 48% 7%
9(-6). You Just Got CPAP'd 0-1 7-7 41% 6%
10(-9). Waffle Champ 0-1 6-8 41% 7%
11(-7). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 0-1 6-8 35% 6%
12(-3). TheCurse Continued 0-1 6-8 27% 4%
This would put:
Brooks
and Mike in the Oltman Bowl.
and
Collin and Drayer in the Waffle Bowl.
