[Week 3] I'm Trying to Come Up With Ways For These Things to Not Be Solely Focused on Drayer...
...and I'm failing lol.
I guess let's try talking about everybody else other than him first and see where that gets us.
Mike - congrats dude. After two terrible years of being accused of having a diminutive peen, losing the waffle bowl, failing to complete the waffle house challenge and enduring both endless mockery and the curse, you finally have a team that doesn't suck. All it took was having a team name making fun of Collin's reading comprehension.
Brooks
- Wait,
Brooks
tied for the lead? Stop me if you've heard this one before. Ole Ballsack has himself a solid lil team and he's feelin' cute... let's just hope CMC doesn't get injured. **editor's note - this was written before CMC missed Thurs practice with an ankle injury. hehehe.** Still my favorite team name of recent history though.
Brooks
has been a part of the closest match each week so far, and has wound up on top. Can he keep that up?
Ben - Hope exile life is treating you well. I'm mad at you simply because I miss you. Come back to us. I swear there haven't been any politics discussed in months.
Da Pirate - Scored a respectable 97 points despite basically having Neil Bramblett dressed out at RB and
Brady
's corpse stinkin' it up on the field.
Kupp
's keepin' him afloat but that's not a bad place to be in if last year is any indication.
Colby - Moving from
Trey Lance
to
Ryan
Tannethrill shall be interesting. ARSB is carrying this team, but if
Jefferson
gets going as well, watch out. Let's see, how would Neil put this..... Can Colby go FIRST TO WORST AND THEN BACK TO FIRST?!
Cheesedick -
Wesley
's eatin' ass and takin' names, the jury's just out on whether eating ass is a good thing or bad thing in this context. I think I kinda traderaped myself by trading
Wilson
for basically $50 FAAB, but hey, at least he didn't go to Drayer.
Jimbo - Here's a fun stat provided by the resident number-crunching-nerds (
Brooks
& Drayer.) Wes, Jim, and Neil are all +1 this season in "luck assessment" which means they won when their score would have typically been a loss on average. Conversely, Collin, Colby, and Broullire are all -1, meaning they lost when their score would typically be a win. That being said, Jim actually did lose to yours truly because his team was absolute shit outside of
Lamar Jackson
.
Neil - Ohh butters. You are one win up from the cellar, so I can't completely shit on yah, but that's primarily because you got your Drayer Bye last week. Your Points For are significantly less than these next two dudes (Collin & Broullire.) In fact, here is a fun stat:
Neil's Points For for the first two weeks of the season is the third lowest first-two-weeks score of all time. The only two chumps with a lower first-two-weeks score? 2019 Jeffrey (aka Waffle Champ First of His Name,) and 2022 Matthew Drayer. Not wonderful company to be keeping... Especially after having the first overall draft pick, eek.
Broullire - Now we get to the cellar. Broullire pretty fucking unlucky (as we already determined above,) because if we went strictly by Points For, he'd be in 5th place instead of 10th. But alas, he played Mike and
Brooks
and they slapped him down despite having a high losing score and here he finds himself as a cellarmate to Collin and Drayer. He's been in the highest scoring matchup both weeks, and both weeks he's come up empty. Sorry bro.
Collin - What's there to say about my dear Shokitini Sake Boi? Well, nothing, except FUCKING POUND SAND MOTHERFUCKER IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG BRING IT ON BITCH.
and finally, that brings us to the man, the myth, the potential legend.
Matthew Drayer is breaking records. As previously mentioned, he's scored the least amount of points in the first two weeks, breaking my record from 2019 by 15%. (we all know how bad my team was that year.) He's scored, on average, 23% fewer points than an typical lowest scorer each week. How does his future look? Well, the player with the lowest PF after two weeks has missed the playoffs in 5 consecutive seasons. Statistically, he is more likely to be in the Waffle Bowl than in the playoffs. This is not a good team, but anything can happen on the waiver wire. Might want to be more open to trades though, my man.
Eh, I don't love that format. Next week I'll go back to game by game reviews, but whatever. The point of all of that was to emphasize how straight up bad Drayer's team is, so hopefully that shone through.
Let's get to this week:
I spank Collin like my name's Emily Pilwonka. Drayer gets a surprise bounce by offing Jim. Broullire has another super close game and yet falls to Colby and remains in the cellar. Absentee Ben wins from afar against Neil. Wes poses little threat to
Brooks
. Mike has his biggest fight against Steve but reigns victorious.
as for the projected awards, I believe:
Ben eeked out an Edgar win over
Brooks
last week. That doesn't happen this week as
Brooks
takes home his first squirrel.
Neil gave Drayer a run for his money on this last week, but MD20/20 took it anyways. He takes a reprieve this week while earning his first win, and I think Neil finally takes it instead.
Drayer, keep them pants on the ground, pants on the ground, lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground. Jim's making a return to the DSFGotW and the two of you are swordfightin' with your dongs this week.
Dawgs/Kent State is going to be so boring that I don't even think I'm going to watch it live as we take Mary Lundy on her first roadtrip up to the Highlands. Dawgs obviously roll, let's hope for no injuries, and let's also hope for better signs of a power rush game. We obviously haven't needed one yet, but it'd be nice to know we still have one.
Milton
and
Edwards
both go over 100 yards and the Dawgs roll 52-0.
Go Dawgs, Go Jump Shots, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Three
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+0). Ben Has A Bengina 2-0 9-5 83% 19%
2(+0). HopfCenter4Kidz WhoCantReadGood 2-0 8-6 80% 15%
3(+0). Wes's Ja Morant Jump Shot 2-0 8-6 71% 13%
4(+2). It's A
Love
Story 1-1 8-6 63% 11%
5(+5). Waffle Champ 1-1 7-7 49% 8%
6(-2). StevedaPirateII Bck4DatATHBooty 1-1 7-7 47% 7%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+1). Booty Eaters Anonymous 1-1 7-7 46% 6%
8(+1). You Just Got CPAP'd 1-1 7-7 43% 5%
9(-4). Collin's A VVeiner Sniffer 1-1 7-7 41% 5%
10(-3).
Zach Wilson
's Mormon Harem 0-2 6-8 34% 5%
11(+1). TheCurse Continued 0-2 6-8 25% 3%
12(-1). **SHOKITINI SAKE BOIZ** 0-2 5-9 20% 2%
This would put:
Brooks
and Mike in the Oltman Bowl.
and
Drayer and Collin in the Waffle Bowl.
