It's 2020 So Clearly Ben's Gonna Win It All - Post-Draft, Week 1 Rankings

Hey all you cool cats and kittens out there, it's your favorite Commish and I'm recycling pop culture references from the very beginning of quarantine. Remember those days? When bingewatching bullshit on Netflix and running out of toilet paper seemed like odd novelties of an otherwise normal year, and not our new and neverending existence? Good times, man.

Here we're sitting, two days out from the NFL season debut, and we still have no idea whether the season will be 6 weeks long or take us all the way to February. I do know one thing, that shower picture of Collin and Broullire is going to keep me laughing my ass off way longer than this NFL season, regardless of its length.

Draft weekend was a huge success. Sorry we missed you Wes and Stephen. At least Stephen had a good excuse of "dude i wasn't in this league 12 hours ago" for missing it. Wesley, you're on notice for next year. Start planning now. Maybe if you're there in person you won't draft the Buc's backup RB in the third round. Or seven WRs. ;)

As you all know, due to how wildly successful they made my team last year, I renewed my subscription to FantasyPros for this season. I will be using their League Analyzer tool to provide the weekly power rankings and playoff chances throughout the season (below.) But before we do that I wanted to first take a look at how things broke down during the draft. I'll also rank y'alls names.

Based on FantasyPro's Expert Consensus Rankings at the time of the draft, here is how everybody shook out:
1) The Tortilla Fight Boiz - Jeff Ostenson - - obviously I like my team name as I created it, (like Drayer's team names in most years too,) but I only hope my fantasy players fight with as much fervor as you drunk tortilla assholes did on that last night. Of note, FantasyPros was ALSO very high on my Jameis Winston, OJ Howard, David Montgomery team last year... so this is clearly bullshit.
2) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts - Neil Bramblett - - Butters recently changed this from "Ben" to "BTK" and I love it. The only thing creepier than Ben's mustache is Wes walking into Sandbar back in the day.
3) Collin, Who Hurt You? - Mike Elliott - - Mike swooping in here with a damn good question. Who did hurt you, Collin? The answer to that question would explain a lot.
4) Premature Venmolation - Matt Drayer - - So I may not have written this team name, but I sure as hell inspired it. Looking back on it, I almost wish I hadn't explained anything to Adam and had just slid his money back to him and added Stephen to the group chat. Curious how long it would've taken him to catch on.
5) COVID Jesus - Colby Grant - - So, I did write this title. Seeing him walking on the sand bars outside our draft house like he was actually walking on water was somewhat of a religious experience, I must say. That, and his sun salutations he did each morning on the algae-covered "beach."
6) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in - Brooks Sawyer - - What I love is taking what was a very small conversation on the draft and crafting it into your team name. What I love even more is that most of the time when I'm in the fantasy app, it shortens Brooks' team name to just "Aggressive Ass Wipe" which... tbh... fits.
7) How to Satisfy My Wife - Wes Robertson - - How his ranking is in the single digits is beyond me. I suppose when these draft rankings were made, Leonard Fournette was still the top dawg in Jacksonville (sorry Broullire.)
8) Marginal Fucks Given - Matt Broullire - - I think I may have missed the original conversation that sparked this phrase, but I did hear everyone saying it the rest of the weekend. Solid draft reference here.
9) mike lil pp - Collin Hopf - - Who could've guessed that Collin fucking Hopf would have the joke of the weekend? Such a little little joke (just like mike's lil pp) but so impactful.
10) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires - Jim Martin - - This change just happened a couple hours ago, and it's a solid one. Nothing says country music or cousin-lovin like two dudes fighting about the rims on their pickup trucks. Carry on, fellas.
11) Hope n' Hopf GA Guvnah 2030 - Ben Harbin - - Another recent change that I like. It's a bit of a mouthful (unlike mike's lil pp) but he'd get my vote in ten years, that's for sure.
12) My Name's Not Adam Schifter - Stephen Robison - - Somehow ranked below a guy that drafted both Sony Michel and Mohamed Sanu, Stephen enters into his first year placed at the bottom. Also, I created this team name, and while accurate and IMO solid, you should change it Stephen.

Happy Week One everybody! And may the odds be ever in your favor (except you, Colby. Fuck you.)
-Commish

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week One
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. This will change every week (mostly.)


1 Collin, Who Hurt You? 8-5 74%
2 COVID Jesus 7-6 68%
3 Premature Venmolation 7-6 65%
4 Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 7-6 64%
5 The Tortilla Fight Boiz 7-6 61%
6 Marginal Fucks Given 7-6 56%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7 Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 7-6 54%
8 mike lil pp 6-7 41%
9 Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 6-7 37%
10 How to Satisfy My Wife 6-7 32%
11 Hope n' Hopf GA Guvnah 2030 5-8 24%
12 My Name's Not Adam Schifter 5-8 23%