Ben's Feelin' Himself and Mike's Somehow Drinking Rum - Week 3 Recap & Week 4 Rankings
What a week what a week. My fantasy team did it's best impression of the first half of the Dawgs game, only we never put The Mailman in and redeemed ourselves. Also, I have officially set next Friday, 10/9, as my Waffle Day. I know it's now the third date I've selected since getting DFL last year, but these are strange times. I've researched competitive eating strategies, I'm already charging all my devices, it should be a good time. I do think, though, that we need to up the punishment for failing to do the waffles though. I'd be lying if I hadn't thought about just paying the $150 into the pool and being done with it. But despite being a LOT of things, I ain't a quitter. I'm a Waffle Bitch.
Onto the Week 3 games:
Jeff v. Ben - 85.74 - 87.74 - - Okay Ben, you beat me. In a battle of who could score less, I came up juuust short. We had the lowest combined point total by far and all I needed was one of Lamar's near INTs to fall into the Chiefs' hands and we'd be singing a different tune. But let's pump the breaks on all the double waffles talk, shall we? I will pay my syrupy debt in a week and a half, but most likely, yours is yet to come due. I'll keep the seat warm at the WaHo.
Collin v. Mike - 90.85 - 109.08 - - Speaking of people who have a high chance of downing some of Belgium's finest, Michael Elliott. CONGRATULATIONS! That's gonna be the sweetest rum you've ever tasted. Pro tip: I found this really great recipe for a buttered rum syrup drizzle you could bring with you to Waffle House in December:
https://www.food.com/recipe/tropical-hot-buttered-rum-sauce-for-drizzling-380914
You're welcome.
Wes v. Broullire - 98.78 - 173.07 - - You guys want to see a dead body? Jesus, Broullire. I'm sure as shit glad you saved this for your Wes Bye and didn't explode last week. On a week where three other guys had scores that usually would've won them the Edgar the Epileptic Squirrel Memorial Excellence Award (name still being workshopped,) you blew them all away. But then again, you've always been good at blowing other guys .... away ... haven't you.
Stephen v. Colby - 90.09 - 151.28 - - Ah Stephen, it had to happen at some point, right? Losing to Colby is kinda a hazing ritual around here, so welcome to the league, I guess? I only wish you had scored 80.08 instead of 90.09 because that spells BOOB and ... aren't boobs awesome?
Jim v. Brooks - 151.28 - 85.91 - - Speaking of boobs, Jim and Brooks. Jim licks stripper titties and Brooks is just a boob himself. This game got out of hand fairly quickly, with all of Jim's players being steady contributors and Brooks primarily riding on the back of Derrick Henry. Sure would be a shame if his whole team were to have a COVID outbreak. That'd really suck for a team that rides on his back I'd think. Man, what a bummer that'd be.
Neil v. Drayer - 103.75 - 145.03 - - What's the opposite of a Wes Bye? A Drayer Buzzsaw? A Matty D Devastation? Not quite sure, but Neil certainly ran into it this week. Drayer emerges as the last remaining unbeaten, and has not scored under 145 points within a week yet. Oh, will he be affected by the Titans outbreak? Maybe score fewer points this week? Nope, all he has is the Steelers D. Our only Hope is that he pulls a Hopf and churns his way through the regular season only to have a massive collapse in the playoffs. Hey, 2020's pretty weird, right?
Coming up this week:
I get a huge matchup, massive game, big struggle against Wes (don't call it a wes bye, don't call it a wes bye,) Ben gets to try and keep his winnin' ways a' rollin against a surprisingly vulnerable-looking Stevie (depending on what happens with JuJu,) Something's Gotta Give in the matchup between surprising Week 3 stars, Broullire & Jim, COVID Jesus looks to exorcise mike's lil pp (God the jokes are so good with these names,) Brooks and Neil face off in the Battle of "Man I Really Thought They Might Throw Some Fists a Couple Years Ago But Now They're Friends?" and finally Mike gets his Matty D's Devastation week. Dude, shock the world, Mike. Shock the world.
That's it for this week, chaps. The Dawgs get the Wartiglesmen this weekend. Let's show those fuckers why they didn't get into Georgia in the first place. I know the saying is that if you have more than one quarterback, you have zero, but I disagree wholeheartedly. I want to see a new quarterback EVERY SINGLE DRIVE. Keep those fuckers guessing. Oh, you thought it was bad that D'wan just torched you for a 35yd TD? Well here's JT slingin' the rock down to Pickens. Thought that was all we had? Here's Stetson calmly handing the ball off to Zeus. Now you've got all the Dawg fans pullin' their best Trumpian impression saying "Please sir, please, Kirby, we can't take all this winning!" and what's that coming down the track? It's MFing Carson Beck here to sweep up all the dead Auburn bodies. He'll be known as Carson "The Closer" Beck after this one, fellas.
And that, my friends, is how Optimism Jeff gets through his day to day.
Go Dawgs, Go Tortilla Fight Boiz, Go America,
-The Commish
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Playoff Rankings - Week Four
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. This will change every week (mostly.) NEW this week, odds of becoming Champion!
1(+0) Premature Venmolation 3-0 9-4 97% 32%
2(+1) Aggressive Ass Wipe Walk-in 2-1 8-5 85% 14%
3(+2) Hope n' Hopf GA Guvnah 2030 2-1 8-5 78% 10%
4(-2) The Tortilla Fight Boiz 2-1 8-5 77% 13%
5(+2) COVID Jesus 1-2 7-6 68% 12%
6(+0) Collins Got Pussy Boy Tires 1-2 7-6 66% 9%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-3) My Name's Not Adam Schifter 2-1 7-6 59% 6%
8(+2) Marginal Fucks Given 1-2 6-7 36% 3%
9(-1) mike lil pp 1-2 5-8 16% 1%
10(+1) 3 Cup Beer Pong PTSD 2-1 5-8 8% <1%
11(-2) Blackout BTK's Booty Shorts 1-2 5-8 7% <1%
12(+0) I Am Wesley Snipes 0-3 4-9 2% <1%
