[Week 14] Just Throwing Shit at the Teflon Wall, Ain't Nothing Sticking
Ugh, this may be the most anti-climatic ending to a fantasy regular season ever. The playoff field has been more or less set for weeks now, but it's officially official after Stephen's win over Ballsack last week. All that's left is a fight for winners byes and to avoid losers byes.
Let's review where we're at on that!
Up Top:
Neil and Ben are currently tied for first and both sitting in the Bye Zone, however as fate would have it they both draw other playoff teams in their season finales. Ben tussles with a surging Jim (fun fact: that's how Jim's three children were conceived,) while Neil has to deal with a Drayer team that somehow is continuing to win despite not having anything resembling a top round pick on his team left.
With these matchups, we could end up with four 10-4 teams sitting atop the bracket if Jim and Drayer both win, which would be the most fitting thing ever. As if they were the stars of a TLC show about polyamory, this communal marriage of dudes just hasn't been able to quit each other all season long. On top of that, each dude of the ménage à quatre will have played the other 3 a total of 4 times, so the tie breaker will be head to head. Assuming the four-way-tie happens: Neil will have gone 3-1 against his gay lovers, Drayer 2-2, Jim 2-2, and Ben 1-3, so Neil would grab the #1 seed, Jim would then win the 3-way tie for Points For for the #2 seed, and Drayer would snag the head-to-head against Ben, slotting him in #3 and Ben in #4.
OR both Neil and Ben win this week and lock up the byes and none of this fun shit happens.
If just Neil loses, he'd be tied with Drayer and still take the #2 spot. If just Ben loses, then Jim would get in on the tiebreaker at #2.
To recap:
-Neil & Ben win: Neil & Ben get the byes
-Ben wins, Neil loses: Neil & Ben get the byes
-Neil wins, Ben loses: Neil & Jim get the byes
-Neil & Ben lose: Neil & Jim get the byes
Congrats Neil, you're guaranteed a bye and are sitting on your best damn team in years. Don't pull a Dawgs and shit yourself when you face Bama(brooks.)
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Down south in the losers' den, there's a bit of a different story. Despite looking like a mortal lock for not only a loser's bye but a probable date with waffles too, Mikelilpp is now hanging onto the edge of his cellar by his fingernails and Colby's coming to town. Let's be honest, the words "Colby's coming" are typically the worst words that any man can hear, but in Mike's case he's pretty damn glad to hear them.
The loser of Mike's matchup with Colby is guaranteed the first loser's bye and the #12 seed. As for the #11 seed and the second loser's bye, it's much more complicated:
Broullire and Wes have saved themselves for each other and are safe from the loser's bye.
If Jeff & Collin win, they are both safe as well.
If Jeff wins, Collin loses, and Colby wins, Collin gets the bye and Colby is miraculously safe.
If Jeff wins, Collin loses, and Mike wins, Mike gets the bye and Collin is safe.
If Collin wins, Jeff loses, and Mike wins, Jeff gets the bye and Mike is safe.
If Collin wins, Jeff loses, and Colby wins, Jeff gets the bye and Colby is safe.
If Jeff & Collin lose and Colby wins, Collin gets the bye and Jeff is safe.
If Jeff & Collin lose and Mike wins, Jeff will need to outscore Collin by 24 points this week to survive.
Got all that? It's okay if not because I can guaran-fuckin-tee you that
Brooks
will be reminding everybody these scenarios throughout the weekend as they play out. ESPECIALLY if things start to turn and I'm trending toward a waffle bye. Fuck.
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I'm not gonna go game-by-game from last week, but Jim did dirty things to me and locked up his second consecutive Edgar. Colby shit himself against Neil and grabbed his third J im
Martin
,
Hollister
Model award. And Mike and Wes played a lil tummysticks (foreshadowing for the loser's bracket?!) and grabbed the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week.
As for this week:
Wes makes a fool out of me and provides a more interesting bye-race, Jim slips past Ben,
Brooks
makes short work of Collin, Broullire pants'es Steve right before his playoff push (how embarrassing!) Mike comes out on top of Colby in the shit bowl, and Neil wins a hard fought battle against Drayer.
In those predictions, it winds up:
Neil and Jim with the winners' byes
Colby and TBD with the losers' byes (it would depend on Jeff outscoring Collin by 24 points... so probably Jeff.)
Me and Wes has Dickslap written ALL over it, Colby's gonna snag yet another JMHM, and Jim's gonna flex his dick with a third consecutive Edgar.
As for the Dawgs, man, fuck Bama. Like, just seriously, just fuck them. Ugh. We will rebound against Michigan and rematch Bama in Indy, but don't ask me to predict that one. I ain't doin' it so quit askin'.
Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
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Playoff Rankings - Week Fourteen
I took out the playoff percentages since it's all settled.
1(+0) Futbol Is Life 10-3 11-3
2(+0) League Of Skanks 10-3 10-4
3(+0) Collin Can't Read 9-4 10-4
4(+1) BenBottom MikeBottom 9-4 9-5
5(-1) Ballsack Aladdin 8-5 9-5
6(+0) Steve the Pirate 8-5 9-5
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0) Public A_$$ Bleeder 5-8 6-8
8(+0) Who Hurt Collin 5-8 5-9
9(+1) Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 4-9 4-10
10(-1) Broullire will blow for FAB$ 4-9 4-10
11(+1) Need More Tuddies 3-10 4-10
12(-1) Espn's PC Team Names 3-10 3-11
MIKE RISES ABOVE #12 FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE WEEK ONE PREDICTIONS!! MASS HYSTERIA!!
