[Week 13] What Do I Do With My Hands?
Welp. The Playoffs are all but set. Much like the Dawgs - - Neil, Ben, Jim,
Brooks
, Drayer, and Stephen can basically go ahead and book their tickets. Stephen technically could get supplanted by Wes if he loses twice and Wes wins twice, but let's be honest, That's not going to happen. All that's left now is to determine who gets the bye. Neil and Ben are sitting on them at the moment, but everybody else sans Stephen is only one game behind.
Down in fucksville, it's a similar story. Mike seemingly has a lock on one of the byes at this point, despite making a fool out of me two weeks ago. Colby's a favorite for the other, but at this point it's anybody's game. Man, fuck fantasy football.
Sorry for not getting an LM Note out last week. To be honest, I completely forgot with Thanksgiving. I'm sure I probably would've remembered had I beaten Mike, because nothing drives me to write profusely than beating Mike. But alas, The Bills entire fucking team and
Kyle Pitts
conspired to bend me over instead.
Let's see, was there anything else worth mentioning from Week 11? Colby's score of 44.11 made the mikelilpp.com leaderboard for 4th shittiest score in history. He posted that against an easily-beatable 79.47 from
Brooks
, but in true Colby fashion he dropped his pants at the first chance he was given. As such, that absolute dickslapfest shockingly took the title for the lowest combined score in history, which was a record set by Broullire and myself a mere 2 weeks beforehand in Week 9. Good job team. We're breaking some ridiculously shitty records this season. Just call us the Florida Gators.
Neil/Jim from Week 11 deserves a shoutout too. It didn't break any records or anything, but they both scored over 140 points, which from my perspective deep in the cellar certainly makes me damn jealous.
Let's take a look at Week 12 now:
Jeff v. Ben / 82.22 - 100.58 - - - Yeah, I don't wanna talk about it. Fuck running backs. This week I will practically be starting Neil "
Rush
" Bramblett back there. My depth is worse than Bama's. Also, fuck
Adam Thielen
. I do not know what I did to this man in a former life, but it 100% involved either screwing or killing the love of his life. At this point, who's to say?
Steve v. Collin / 76.18 - 94.87 - - - This game happened. Steve-o is now 1-4 in his last 5 matchups, yet he remains above the red line. Cool. This clusterfuck snagged the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week.
Mike v. Jim / 68.88 - 149.34 - - - YIKES. Mike, what did you do to Jim?! What derogatory term did you use to describe the tires on his truck!? He more than doubled ya up. This was the biggest beatdown of the year thus far. Basically, you were the basement walls, and he threw up all over you, only instead of cold cuts it was points. I'm hoping he took out all his anger on you, since now I get to go up against him starting Tevin fucking
Coleman
... I think it's fairly obvious but Jim grabbed this week's Edgar, and Mike ironically took the Jim
Martin
,
Hollister
Model. Funny how many people are winning the JMHM while going up against the man, the myth, the legend himself.
Drayer v. Ballsack / 86.27 - 116.87 - - - Wow. wtf.
Brooks
scored the exact same score, down to the hundredth decimal point, as he did against Drayer in Week 1. The only problem? Drayer scored 48.52 less this time. That'll happen when your team's seen more injuries than the 2013 Dawgs. What was y'alls side bet on this one? Who gets to be on top? Awesome, congrats
Brooks
, enjoy! I maintain that you fuckers above the line are straight up bending over for Ole Ballsack, and I, for one, am not going to enjoy crowning him once again.
Neil v. Wes / 100.6 - 93.34 - - - I tried to trade
Kyle Pitts
to Neil this week but for some odd reason he didn't want to have four rostered TEs. What, Neil, are you scared of a 14 personnel package? You could've snagged
Taysom Hill
at QB and just been one giant Tight End. Speaking of loving giant tight ends - - I give you Wes. Cheese, get your shit together, set a fantasy team name, and be proud of it. What even is a Public A_$$ Bleeder? Are you too prudish to say the word Ass? What's with the extra space? AASS? what are you even going for?
Colby v. Broullire / 82.55 - 106.65 - - - Broullire is the top of the class beneath the line... Let that sink in. He's the tallest midget, he's the least imbred bama fan, he's the hottest tech girl. Congrats, Broullire! BTW text me for my address for shipping me bourbon ;)
Onto this week:
-Words cannot express the destruction that's about to happen in mine and Jim's matchup. This isn't me just downplaying it in hopes that it doesn't happen. We're talking Biblical apocalyptic annihilation. My best hope at RB just broke his friggin neck two nights ago, but I'm still hoping he suits up. That's where we're at now.
Lock
me in as the latest fucker to get the JMHM against Jim, and I don't see how Jim doesn't take the Edgar for the second consecutive week too.
-Ben rides his high from forcefeeding me waffles into a win against Collin.
-Ballsack teabags Stephen.
-Mike (who hates when I pick him) takes care of the Wes-in-the-Playoffs conundrum early by knocking him out.
-I think Drayer beats Broullire but FantasyPros disagrees. For that reason, I'm taking this one as my Dickslapfest Game o' the Week prediction this week.
-Neil nut-taps Colby and he likes it.
AS FOR THE #1 RANKED GEORGIA BULLDOGS - -
Listen, I wrote a huge diatribe in this space last October. I explained all the ways that the mailman was going to deliver against Bama. I was proven woefully wrong.
This ain't that team, he ain't that mailman, and Bama ain't that Bama. Gentlemen, we just might be those motherfuckers. I hope you all find somewhere fantastic to watch the game, and I hope you all soak up every minute. It's going to taste so, so sweet.
Dawgs on top, 34-17 and we continue our quest for glory.
Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Thirteen
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+1). Futbol Is Life 9-3 10-4 100% 25%
2(+3). League Of Skanks 9-3 10-4 100% 18%
3(-2). Collin Can't Read 8-4 9-5 100% 21%
4(+2). Ballsack Aladdin 8-4 9-5 100% 14%
5(-2). BenBottom MikeBottom 8-4 9-5 100% 10%
6(-2). Steve the Pirate 7-5 8-6 92% 10%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). Public A_$$ Bleeder 5-7 6-8 5% <1%
8(+2). Who Hurt Collin 5-7 6-8 4% <1%
9(+0). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 4-8 5-9 0% 0%
10(-2). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 4-8 5-9 0% 0%
11(+0). Espn's PC Team Names 3-9 4-10 0% 0%
12(+0). Need More Tuddies 2-10 3-11 0% 0%
