[Week 11] This Honestly Might Be the Most Even Season of the Oltman, and Then There's Mike
Do you want to talk about parity?
- Through 10 weeks, we've had 9 different Edgar Winners (Broullire, Stephen, Wes, Colby(!), Jeff, Stephen again,
Brooks
, Mike(!), Neil, and finally Drayer.)
- We've had 7 different Jim
Martin
,
Hollister
Models (Colby, Broullire(2), Drayer(3), Stephen, Wes, Collin, and finally Mike.)
- We now have a ménage à cinq up top (my internet search history to figure out these orgy terms hates me.)
- Week 9, aka bitchpolcalypse, was the lowest scoring week in the history of the Oltman. This week however was the fourth-lowest scoring week in history. I don't know what the fuck is going on but something stinks.
With such parity up top, however, it makes it unlikely that we'll see much shakeup for the playoffs. We still have four weeks of matchups, but the main things I could see happening would be
Brooks
or (more likely) one of the orgy members shockingly dropping out and Wes or myself sliding in. We do have two separate matchups of orgy members this week though, so we shall see!
Let's glance back at some of the shitty times we had last week:
Neil v. Jeff / 86.91 - 105.71 - - - Well, well, well. I go off and plan a bachelors party part deux for the Big Buttery One and then pants him while he's distracted. This one was a shocker to me, as most of my players played like ass for the second week in a row. But praise be to the Atlanta Falcons. They played the shittiest football game this side of Gainesville, Florida and I took Big 'n Rich's advice and saved a horse by riding the Cowboy's Defense to victory. No complaints here, 5 stars, would ride again.
Mike v. Ben / 74.32 - 84.21 - - - What do you get when you pair one of the orgymembers scoring 84 with the cellar dweller who averages three digies each week? Well, you get a Mike loss of course! Curses be curses, after all. Mike, I'm pretty sure the waffles will continue haunting you until you nut up and do the challenge... So... I might take that into consideration when deciding what you do after losing this year. Just saying. Also, this loss officially took Mike out of playoff contention. I know that's a silly thing to say, but that's why I said it.
Drayer v. Stephen / 129.27 - 115 - - - Ohhhh
Christian McCaffrey
. Because of him, we now have the aforementioned Five Guy Fuckfest up top. Welcome to your share of the lead, Drayer, and congrats on your first Edgar. Stephen also scored a perfectly round number, which is odd. PS - I don't want to tell you how to run your team but uh... you might want to spend a singular FAAB dollar, or maybe perform a trade, because those RBs are uglier than Wes' seadonkeys he slept with in college.
Colby v. Collin / 100.22 - 80.77 - - - Ouch. Who the fuck loses to Colby? You'd have to be an idio - - - oh. nvm. carry on then. I know that the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week typically goes to the lowest point-total game, but fuck that. You guys straight up snagged that shit. Collin started two inactive RBs and got censured by the Commissioner, and Colby added a goose egg for starting a Falcons player. Boo this matchup all around. Boo. Boooooooooo.
Broullire v. Jim / 84.38 - 92.11 - - - Damn, speaking about not setting your lineup... Broullire, you had a full 24 hours after Big Ben got COVID to get a new QB. Damnit, I actually AM starting to feel very Brooksish about this shit. I was mostly out of commission this weekend cursing out Tennessee children, and y'all couldn't set your damn lineups? Come on now. How the fuck were we able to manage the friggin PANDEMIC YEAR last year with IR slots and safe drops, but picking up a friggin QB or RB off the waivers on a Sunday morning is too tall a task? Fuck all you guys. Jim, congrats on the win.
Wes v.
Brooks
/ 89.37 - 93.75 - - - A battle between shittalking bubble teams, what a shocker that
Brooks
came out on top. I only wish y'all had put something on the line this time. Gosh darnit, league, y'all are really going to let
Brooks
come back from being ranked #11 at one point to winning the Oltman this year, aren't you? You know what? We deserve it. I'm still jazzed up about the lineups. I'm gonna police that shit this week, and if it remains a problem I'm proposing some punishments for next season. I know of at least one ballsack who's vote I've got.
Onto this week's matchups:
I find a dumb way to lose to Mike in a heartbreaking fashion, in one of the orgy matchups Ben rebounds against Stephen (SET YOUR LINEUP,) Drayer destroys Collin, in the other orgy matchup Jim squeaks by Neil,
Brooks
does some absolutely unholy shit to Colby, and Broullire actually wins comfortably against Wes.
For the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week , it's tempting to select
Brooks
/Colby just in case Colby drags
Brooks
down into the mud and fucks around with him, but that Broullire/Wes matchup has way too many shenanigans waiting in the wings. Gimme that one.
I'm also gonna snag Wes as my Jim
Martin
,
Hollister
Model this week. It just feels right.
As for the Dawgs - - - You already know. The questions on the table for this week are do we break 50 on offense, do we goose egg them on defense, how long does JT play, who comes in after him,
Beck
or BVDG? I want to use the rest of this space to continue the calling for a Dawgnation Unification. You don't have to love Stetson Bennett. You can still think we'd be better if JT was starting. But it's time to start cheering our asses off for the diminutive mailman and appreciating the insanity that is a 2-star walk-on leading the #1 team in the nation towards the playoffs. I know I will be. Dawgs on top 52-0.
That's it fellas. Good luck this week to everybody but Mike.
Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Eleven
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+2). Collin Can't Read 7-3 9-5 96% 22%
2(-1). Futbol Is Life 7-3 9-5 94% 18%
3(+1). BenBottom MikeBottom 7-3 9-5 93% 18%
4(-2). Steve the Pirate 7-3 9-5 93% 12%
5(+0). League Of Skanks 7-3 9-5 89% 11%
6(+0). Ballsack Aladdin 6-4 8-6 82% 12%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). Ball-Gagged
Brooks
5-5 7-7 31% 5%
8(+0). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 4-6 6-8 15% 2%
9(+0). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 3-7 5-9 3% <1%
10(+0). Who Hurt Collin 3-7 5-9 2% <1%
11(+0). Espn's PC Team Names 3-7 5-9 1% <1%
12(+0). Need More Tuddies 1-9 3-11 0% 0%
