[Week One] Chapter One, Let's Begin
Maestro, strike up the band.
Well gentlemen, we begin again. Hot off the weirdest year in our three decades of life (and I'm talking about Colby's championship, not the global pandemic,) we find ourselves somewhere between "back to normal" and "the new normal." There will be 92,746 barkin' dawgs in Sanford in a few days and yet a quarter of them will be wearing masks and keeping their distance. You can go downtown and hammer tequila shots in bourbon street, but also Athens Regional is filled to the brim. Odd times. To be honest, this year might be even stranger than last... But hey, at least football's back.
And with the return of football is the return of The Oltman Bowl. Now 11 years old, the league is almost old enough for Jim to hit on it on a cruise. Ah, who am I kidding? It's been old enough for at least three years now.
Speaking of Jim - - I think 25% of our team names attest to the unsurprising fact that Jim officially wins Douchebag of the Draft. Poker really fucked him, didn't it? I don't think I've ever seen somebody hammer 6 or 7 shots of rum, then play 4 games of beer pong, then smoke a bowl, then eat a whole pot cookie, and then crush some raw cold cuts by hand before. It's no wonder those cold cuts quickly made a reemergence and he drafted a 9th round kicker from his deathbed. You know what they say about playing stupid games.
Know who else played a stupid game? Motherfuckin' DJ Uiagalelei. Man, beating the shit out of overhyped quarterbacks is fun as shit. Hope we do it again in Dec. against Bryce Young.
Back to fantasy - - what's insane to me is that despite literally being deader than Wes pretended to be all weekend, Jim shockingly didn't have the worst draft (according to fantasypros.) That honor belongs to Mr. Collin Hopf ... and that's BEFORE we factor in him losing both JK
Dobbins
and
Latavius Murray
. Yikes dawg. Jimbo may have the shakes, but your team's a mistake.
After Collin, there's Wes and Mike. So basically, it seems like our loser's bracket is like the CFP... The same three damn teams run that shit. Mike, if you get last again I can't WAIT to buy some cool shit for next year's draft with your $500, cause we all know you're a massive waffle bitch.
Neil, Ben, and Jim round out the bottom half of the draft rankings. I predict that one of these teams is going to shock the world and ride the year out in the top half of the league... but who knows who. If it's Ben's dumbass autodrafted team I'm gonna shit a brick.
Broullire, Stephen(!),
Brooks
, Colby, Jeff, and Drayer round out the top half of the draft rankings, but nobody wants to talk about them. I predict three of these teams will find themselves in the losers' bracket at the end of the year, with one of them in the Waffle Bowl.
Moving onto Week One, we've got some exciting matchups. I get to try and show Ben that autodrafting a live draft is a bad idea (tho let's be honest, ESPNs team of rejects is probably gonna beat me.) Also Mike gets to try and take revenge for his pukey airpods against Jim, and
Brooks
and Drayer start their annual season-long bitchfest by facing each other in Week 1.
To renew a couple terms from last year, the Dickslapfest Game of the Week goes to the game most likely to feature two teams who can't derp their way to a win, and the Jim
Martin
,
Hollister
Model award goes to the person most likely to score sub-50 points:
For Week 1 - -
Dickslapfest Game of the Week - I hope nobody is lactose intolerant, because this week's DSFGotW involves both butter and cheese. I pick Creamy is Me vs. Futbol is Life. ESPN has Wes as a slight favorite to win, but in this matchup everybody else loses.
Jim
Martin
,
Hollister
Model - Until proven otherwise I'm going to have a tough ass time picking anybody other than Collin Hopf. Hey Collin, I'm glad that you and Megan are having a boy, because your team is having a bitch-of-a-time-winning-anything-this-year.
There you have it, folks. Let's kick this season off with a bang. I wanna see plenty of shit-talking. I want to see multiple side bets. Liquor bets are fun, but slap bets are even better. I wanna see JT
Daniels
throw for four touchdowns on Sat. and then
Carson
Beck
add four more.
Go Dawgs, Go Greased Melons, Go America,
-Commish
Onto the rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week One
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+0). BenBottom MikeBottom 0-0 8-6 65% 14%
2(+0). Jim's Drive-By Cold Cut Vomit 0-0 7-7 60% 12%
3(+0). Jim's Greased Melon Faceplant 0-0 7-7 56% 10%
4(+0). Backstroke Jesus 0-0 7-7 52% 9%
5(+0). Steve the Pirate 0-0 7-7 50% 8%
6(+0). Collin Can't Read 0-0 7-7 49% 8%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). League Of Skanks 0-0 7-7 47% 7%
8(+0). Futbol Is Life 0-0 7-7 47% 7%
9(+0). Creamy Is Me 0-0 7-7 45% 7%
10(+0). Who Hurt Collin 0-0 7-7 45% 7%
11(+0). Jim Puked On My AirPods 0-0 7-7 42% 6%
12(+0). JIMBOS GOT THE SHAKES 0-0 7-7 42% 6%
