[Week 3] It's an Auto-Draft Ben Kinda World and He's Just an Auto-Draft Ben Kinda Girl
An Ode to Auto-Draft Ben
There once was a Ben so busy,
He couldn't drink with his friends and get dizzy,
He bitched out on the draft,
Wouldn't chug on a raft,
But somehow has the league in a tizzy.
Seriously. Fuck ESPN's rankings. Next year I'll just randomize our draft orders and then go down their rankings and assign everybody's players to them. What even is the point? Why do we do all of this shit? Drayer's in first because he won the
McCaffrey
tie-breaker with a blackout Jim, and then Auto-draft Ben(!) of all fuckers is in second after autodrafting from the 10-spot of all places. I hate everything.
Like Week 1, last week was another solid week throughout the league, with relatively consistent and even scores, and nobody making a fool . . . Wait, what was that? He did what?!? *gets handed Broullire's Week 2 score* My dear God. He was just 3.94 points away from slotting in at #10 on the lowest point totals ever, so at least he escaped that. But hot damn. I don't think anybody has seen someone fade that quickly since Jim
Martin
at the draft between the hours of 1 and 2am. One moment he's happily snackin' on some lunchmeats and the next Mike is cleaning them up off the basement walls.
Let's look at some of those Week 2 matchups:
Jeff v. Jim / 113.09 - 136.78 - - - Hey! My team of misfits broke triple digies. Not that it mattered because Jim's defense outscored every player not named
Aaron Jones
on my team. I'm still holding open tryouts for my RB2 slot, if anybody wants to relive Neil's glory days. I am also willing to execute a trade rape. Consider me the trade equivalent of wearing a mini-skirt walking down the street in downtown Atlanta. I'm just asking for it.
Collin v. Auto-draft Ben / 103.34 - 136.12 - - - I'm now going to start using these recaps as a way to scout RBs I want to trade for. Welp, the highest of the 5 RBs that played in this matchup was
Chase Edmonds
getting 10 points for Auto-draft Ben... so.... yeah nvm. That being said, fuck old man
Tom Brady
. Auto-draft Ben was supposed to auto-draft a shitty team and the fact that he didn't is going to continue to irk me.
Stephen v.
Brooks
/ 138.11 - 95.13 - - - Well hot damn. Stephen's already had more success in this league than Schifter ever did. Gotta love catching
Brooks
early before he has the chance to find some third string RB on the waiver wire that turns to gold and trade rape Wes a couple times. *looks up my schedule* Oh cool, I play him Week 8. hooray... Stephen also locks up what I think is his very first Edgar award. So congrats on that and don't spend the $20 in one place!
Mikelilpp v. Wes / 112.99 - 120.13 - - - I honestly don't know what to think about this game. Both of these teams have actually been pretty solid, scoring triples in both weeks thus far. And yet my heart wants to assume they're headed for the Kim tourney. Maybe this is the year Wes makes the playoffs. Maybe Mike ascends to his third Oltman. At this point I honestly have no fuckin' idea.
Drayer v. Broullire / 133.79 - 62.5 - - - My God Drayer he has a family! His wife is expecting! You're gonna do a man like that? You're gonna pants him in front of everybody? While the 71.29 point differential was still 16.36 points away from making the record book, it still provided the first "fun score" of the season. Broullire seemingly couldn't get anything going with just two players reaching double digits and getting a big ole donut from his kicker. MAYBE NOW YOU'LL JUMP ABOARD THE #ABOLISHKICKERS MOVEMENT YA DAMN TRADITIONALIST! Get with the times old man.
Neil v. Colby / 108.41 - 71.98 - - - Finally, we have Colby's continued descent into first-to-worst territory. I think down in Mexico he learned that futbol is not life, futbol is in fact death. All of us fuckers below the line at the moment are all within 5-10 points of each other, and then there's Colby. He's the kid eating paste in the corner of the room at the moment, with a shocking 161.78 Total PF at the moment. As it stands, that'd put him on track for a nice, solid #2 finish on the lowest point total season of all time. That slot is currently occupied by none other than Colby
Grant
himself from 2016 so... there's that I suppose. As for Neil, he is 2-0 but he and Wes are currently playing a dangerous game of being the lowest Total PF teams above the line. But hey, it's worked before. Just look at Mike's two trophies despite being 11th in all-time scoring. The ball bounces funny sometimes.
I think it comes as absolutely zero surprise that last week's Jim
Martin
,
Hollister
Model award goes to Mr. Matthew Broullire, and I think I'll pick Neil/Colby as the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week as neither really seemed to be able to get out of the other's way throughout it.
One thing I totally forgot to mention here the past couple posts is tracking the side bets for the year! We've already had two results, with Neil winning the first annual Creamy Baileys Kickoff Classic against cheesedick and earning himself some of that sweet old gregg nectar. Drayer also took down
Brooks
in the first half of their cumulative Bourbon Bowl so
Brooks
has a 17.92 hole to climb out of in Week 12. Oh weird, that's ironic that 1792 is also the name of a bourbon. It was meant to be.
We don't have any Side Bet Showdowns this week, but next week is my Bol de Tequila con Colby and I gotta say I'm currently feelin' pretty good about sippin some scorpion juice.
Upcoming bets that I know about (tell me if there are more:)
Week 4 - Jeff/Colby, Bol de Tequila
Week 7 - Mike/Collin, The Grandaddy of them all, the Rum Bowl
Week 8 - Jeff/
Brooks
, Scotch Bowl
Week 9 - Jeff/Broullire (damn I like liquor,) Bourbon Bowl
Week 10 - Drayer/Stephen, Currently-Undecided-Liquor Bowl
Week 12 - The second half of the Drayer/
Brooks
Bourbon Bowl, Drayer's up 17.92pt.
As for this week, I get to try and do fucking something against a vulnerable 1-1 Cheese, Jim and Auto-draft Ben are legit both projected for exactly 112.4 points and someone's gotta give,
Brooks
and Collin get to see who sucks least, Steve gets to just straight up continue his rampage against a troubled Broullire, Mike makes himself feel better against a hapless Colby, and Neil takes a shot at the throne against Drayer.
I'm gonna peg Broullire as the likely JMHM recipient because that team be crashin'. I have a feeling some shenanigans are gonna happen with me and cheese so I'm gonna select our matchup as the likely DSFGotW. Though so far none of my predictions have come true so who the fuck knows.
Dawgs get their Vandy bye this week, and I think they sleepwalk to a 35-3 type of win. Things to watch are whether or not we can start getting some game time for Dom, Darnell, and Tykee to ramp them up for the meatier SEC teams. Can't wait to see this team at full strength when we pull into Jacksonville. Those fuckin' assholes won't know what hit them, kinda like every girl Wes dated in college.
Go Dawgs, Go Greased Melons, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Three
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+0). BenBottom MikeBottom 2-0 9-5 83% 20%
2(+1). Steve the Pirate 2-0 8-6 76% 15%
3(-1). League Of Skanks 2-0 8-6 71% 11%
4(+2). Collin Can't Read 2-0 8-6 70% 12%
5(-1). Futbol Is Life 2-0 8-6 67% 10%
6(-1). Who Hurt Collin 1-1 7-7 43% 6%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). Jim's Drive-By Cold Cut Vomit 0-2 7-7 42% 7%
8(+1).
Brooks
Cups My Balls 1-1 7-7 41% 5%
9(-1). Jim's Greased Melon Faceplant 0-2 6-8 32% 5%
10(+1). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 0-2 6-8 28% 3%
11(-1). Backstroke Jesus 0-2 6-8 25% 3%
12(+0). Jim Puked On My AirPods 0-2 6-8 23% 2%
