[Week 4] Damnit, Fantasy Football
Fuck.
Nothing like getting careered by Wes to make you take a look at yourself and wonder how you fell so far. This has been a half-week of introspection, confusion, and bidding too goddamn much on kickers and defenses. At least I didn't bid over 50% for CMC's two-week stand-in. But I suppose Mikelilpp is just as desperate as me.
As for the other cellar-dweller,
Brooks
has, like me, institutionalized the words of the age-old adage, " Start 0 and 3? Create a new me. " I think that was in the Bible somewhere. Hopefully whatever voodoo mama JuJu that Pukey
Martin
put on our cursed teams ends with the rebranding. Although I can't say that having an Aladdin with giant balls as your mascot seems like a strategy for success... But damnit if Ballsack Aladdin doesn't just make me chuckle every damn time.
Let's take a look at the week 3 matchups:
Wes v. Jeff / 143.86 - 118.37 - - - What more is there to say that y'all didn't hear me bitching about in the text chain over the weekend? I scored enough to beat 75% of the league, and yet Zeke
Elliott
woke up and helped Wes hit the current season-high mark, winning him the Edgar in the process. All I can hope is that my team's score is a sign of things to come, and not just fuckin' par for the course.
Ben v. Jim / 106.64 - 91.59 - - - Auto-draft Ben has his one vulnerable week, and yet Pukey
Martin
can't quite capitalize.
Justin Tucker
tried his damndest to return draft value for Jim, but no one else on his team joined in. How long can Ben fly so damn high? We shall see. As someone very much on the outside looking in, it's definitely made for entertaining fantasy, that's for damn sure.
Brooks
v. Collin / 96.84 - 125.59 - - - Know what's almost as bad as losing to Wes? Losing to Collin. Not a good look.
Brooks
best be praying that
Josh Jacobs
and
Antonio Brown
get back soon, 'cause this team be limpin'. Collin on the other hand gets his first W and escapes the cellar better than the silence of the lambs.
Broullire v. Stephen / 99.66 - 105.48 - - - Gotdang, Broullire found a middle ground between his Edgar and his JMHM, but it didn't matter because Steve the Pirate keeps pillagin' villages and plunderin' booty. This time he plundered Broullire's booty better than Wes on his wedding night. Absolutely insane that Ben, Steve, and Neil are the favorites for the Oltman right now. If I can't win it (duh,) then I do love fresh blood winning it. Could it be Stevie Wonder?
Colby v. Mike / 111.96 - 100.85 - - - Colby fuckin' somehow also clawed his way out of the cellar, climbing over Mike in the process. Ouch, Mike. less than 13 combined points between your 3 WRs, with your TE adding an extra 2... That's...... not great Bob. Honest question that I'd like you to answer in the text group: What would your choice legitimately be between waffles, half-marathon, and $500? Throwing more money away to bitch out? Bettering yourself by running in what I am assuming would be an awfully humiliating costume? Finally giving in and crushing a few waffles? I'm very curious.
Neil v. Drayer / 120.71 - 80.24 - - - Down goes CMC and down goes Drayer. Poetic justice that Neil pulls out a win off of a CMC injury. It's funny that Drayer has
Mike Davis
on his bench, but unfortunately that dude's playing in Atlanta and not Charlotte now. Drayer also now loses
James White
for the season. Can he string enough players together to cover for CMC during the next few weeks? Is this the start of a plummet or a momentary hiccup? Time will tell. Meanwhile, Neil's team was massively propped up all the way from the city of angels as
Stafford
and Mikey
Williams
had massive days. Those RBs are lookin' a litttttttleeeeee dangerous my friend. Can you keep the streak up??
As for the Jim
Martin
,
Hollister
Model award, that's unsurprisngly handed to Drayer with his stud injury. And as for the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week , That's gotta go to Auto-draft Ben vs. Jim. Ben and
Justin Tucker
did everything they could to hand that one to Jim, but he just couldn't get it done.
Onto this week:
Colby and I face off in the Bol de Tequila, and I bought limes in anticipation. Jim and Wes are both slated for 106.8 points exactly, so that one's got promise. Collin and Broullire, who both have team names mocking the other, slap their dicks around a bit. Steve and Neil face off in a fascinating Top 3 battle of "Who the fuck invited these guys to the playoffs already?!" and Drayer gets to test out his non-CMC options against a worrisome Mike. Wait, there should be one more matchup... who am I missing??
Holy shit Ben. Do you hear that in the distance? What is that?!
Make way!
Here he comes!
Ring bells! Bang the drums!
Are you gonna love this guy!
Ballsack Ali! Handsome is he, Ballsack Ababwa
That physique! How can I speak?
Weak at the knee
Well, get on out in that square
Adjust your veil and prepare
To gawk and grovel and stare at Ballsack Ali!
insert ballsack aladdin pic here
Anyway, I've got Collin/Broullire as the DSGotW, and fittingly, I've got a sneaking suspicion Jim's gonna shit the bed against Wes and earn himself the JMHM. And one of the rebranded teams, either my Untouched Beers or Ballsack Aladdin himself is going to surprise and take the Edgar, I just don't know which one.
Dawgs get to beat up on a Top 8 team this Saturday. Enjoy it boys.
Jordan
Davis
firmly cements his name into the Heisman conversation, Darnell returns to much fanfare, and Kendall
Milton
has himself a day.
Go Dawgs, Go Untouched Beers, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Playoff Rankings - Week Four
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+1). Steve the Pirate 3-0 9-5 85% 18%
2(+1). League Of Skanks 3-0 9-5 79% 14%
3(+2). Futbol Is Life 3-0 8-6 77% 13%
4(-3). BenBottom MikeBottom 2-1 8-6 66% 12%
5(-1). Collin Can't Read 2-1 7-7 60% 10%
6(+2). Body Bag Jim 2-1 7-7 56% 8%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(-1). Who Hurt Collin 1-2 7-7 40% 6%
8(+2). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 1-2 6-8 35% 5%
9(+2). Backstroke Jesus 1-2 6-8 30% 4%
10(-1). Ben's Untouched Draft Beers 0-3 6-8 27% 5%
11(-4). Ballsack Aladdin 0-3 6-8 26% 4%
12(+0). Jim Puked On My AirPods 0-3 5-9 18% 2%
