[Week 5] I, For One, Welcome Our New Ass-Eating Overlord
Know what's worse that getting careered by Wes? Getting careered first by Wes and then by Colby in consecutive weeks. It felt like the world's worst Eiffel Tower.
Know what's even worse than the world's worst Eiffel Towering? The fact that our very own Cheesy McCheesedick now owns the top spot in Points For. Granted, all that that's done for him is earn him a solid 2-2 record and a spot currently on the playoff bubble. But still. This is the world we're living in where Wes and Ben are neck and neck for most points for and
Brooks
and Jeff are playing tummysticks in the basement for least points for. Screw the Wuhan/Qanon/Illuminati conspiracy theories, I want someone's mother-in-law scouring YouTube for clues about whatever the fuck is going on in our fantasy league. Somethin' ain't right. Someone paid off Mike Tagliere to screw with the fantasypros rankings and then when Mike started chirpin', they Epsteined him and blamed it on Covid. Okay, okay, I'll admit that's a bit darker than my LM Notes typically go, but there's got to be some explanation for why fantasypros continues to rank my shithole of a cellardweller team as #1 in our league power rankings. (not playoff prediction rankings, just sheer team talent.) I blame Barack Obama.
Let's turn towards the light and recap some hot and sticky Week 4 action:
Jeff v. Colby / 77.45 - 140.83 - - - Yeesh. That was almost a doubler. Colby took some uppers in the bathroom and just came out and absolutely manhandled me and earned himself some tequila. I spent a nice solid $68 to try and improve upon my 10pt. DEF/K scoring average, and scored a solid 2.43. I'm about as good with money as Wes is at eating ass. AKA I'll pretend to know what I'm talking about but it probably ends up with some light bed-shitting. I would've been a solid lock for the JMHM award last week, had it not been for...
Steve v. Neil / 67.4 - 86.44 - - - YIKES dawgs. This was an easy winner for the Dickslapfest Game o' the Week last week, and Steve locked down that Jim
Martin
,
Hollister
Model real easy. I don't know what it is about Neil's team, but it has the insane ability to just absolutely suck every ounce of joy and love and happiness out of any man it comes up against. Basically, it's a dementor. Or more accurately, it's Binford
Griffin
.
Ballsack Aladdin v. Ben / 92.59 - 104.4 - - - Another (relatively) vulnerable week from Ben, another chump unable to capitalize. Shame, shame, shame.
Jim v. Wes / 129.04 - 124. 97 - - - And now for a barnburner between two really competent playoff teams, we turn to.... Jim and Wes. What the fuck is this year? Much like Wes' genitalia preferences, I am severely confused.
Collin v. Broullire / 107.63 - 134. 37 - - - Collin continues to hang out on the rim of the cellar, staring down at us disgusting beasts as we wallow in our sadness. Broullire rides the damn roller coaster each week and can't figure out how to get off, much like when Wes tries to have sex after eating shrooms.
Mike v. Drayer / 104.19 - 113.79 - - - Yessssss Mikeeeeeeee, stay down here my precious. We shall feast upon waffles yet.
Onto this week:
Drayer buttfucks me with
Christian McCaffrey
's resurrected corpse, ( gotdamn my visuals this week are terrifying... ) Big Dawg Ben tries to fend off a bi-curious cheesedick,
Brooks
takes on Broullire on what looks like a downer week in his bipolar mood swings (seriously dude? a 22pt dog?!) Jim does what I failed to do and absolutely destroys Colby, Neil probably makes Collin feel like he'll never be cheerful again, as if things will never be OK again, and Mike looks to escape the cellar against a stunningly weakly projected Steve.
Wait. Seriously? The other two cellar dwellers are going up against douches that don't even project above 100pt and I draw Drayer with what looks like a healthy CMC? What the damn hell, fantasy gods!? what the fuck did I do to you?!?! I'm feeling a fourth careering coming on...
Neil/Collin's gotta be the DSGotW because Neil just has that damn effect on everyone, and Colby's team is godawful and got damn lucky last week so he's my JMHM for this week.
Dawgs get to go in and pants
Bo Nix
in front of all of his friends and family. We also get to beat up on Tyler
Fromm
for his brother turning pro early. Dawgs cover -14.5 easily, but the game stays under the 45 O/U. Dawgs on top 33-6.
Go Dawgs, Go Dance Troupe, Go America!
-Commish
Onto the Rankings!
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Playoff Rankings - Week Five
(remember that this is looking at your schedule and estimating 1) final rank, 2) final record, 3) odds of making the playoffs. 4) odds of becoming champion. This will change every week (mostly.)
1(+1). League Of Skanks 4-0 9-5 86% 15%
2(+1). Futbol Is Life 4-0 9-5 83% 13%
3(+1). BenBottom MikeBottom 3-1 8-6 77% 16%
4(+1). Collin Can't Read 3-1 8-6 73% 13%
5(-4). Steve the Pirate 3-1 8-6 69% 11%
6(+0). Confused Genitalia 2-2 7-7 52% 8%
- - - - - - - - - - - Playoff Line - - - - - - - - - - -
7(+0). Who Hurt Collin 2-2 7-7 50% 8%
8(+1). Backstroke Jesus 2-2 7-7 39% 4%
9(-1). Broullire will blow for FAB$ 1-3 6-8 26% 3%
10(+0). Urban Meyer's Dance Troupe 0-4 5-9 18% 3%
11(+0). Ballsack Aladdin 0-4 5-9 16% 3%
12(+0). Jim Puked On My AirPods 0-4 5-9 10% 1%
